My niece is a cradle catholic and is planning to marry in a civil ceromony because her boyfriend is not comfortable marrying in the Church. He was raised without any religious belief(he doesnt even know if he was baptized).Should we attend, or even participate in the ceremony

Hi Pierre,

These are always sticky questions. If you were able to avoid attending to teach and show your niece that her decision was the wrong one and by your absence she would recognize the error of her ways, then of course that would be the right decision.

However, my experience has shown me that unfortunately, people have to make their own mistakes and only when they realize what they have done is wrong and seek to correct the situation, can the teachable moment occur whereby the person can recognize their mistake and take the right corrective course. It is the difference between alienating a family member and hanging in there with the family member to have some remaining respect whereby you can act as a proper witness in the future.

If you are only seen as judgmental and uncaring by not attending the invalid union, you accomplish alienating yourself from your family member and the niece may acquire a hardness of heart against you and by extension the 'rigid' Catholic Church. If our goal is the salvation of souls as a Church, the question is how to encourage someone to do the right thing in this situation.

If there is zero chance the person will do the right thing in the present tense, but maybe in the future the person may be open to doing the right thing through your support and guidance, then perhaps it is best to look to the long-run and wait until that opportune time to support and encourage the family member to convalidate their civil union in the Catholic Church.

This is a question of praxis - how will your niece respond to you is really what is determinative. If the niece would follow your lead regardless, then it seems you have an obligation to speak up, if the niece would take it or leave it with your affection and love, then not showing up will be taken as an insult and not so much as you are 'standing up for the Church' so to speak.

Your good intent and message will get lost and actually be a source of hurt and potential family conflict. In that instance, what good is being accomplished by not showing up? If the niece is going to go through with it anyway, then as the phrase goes - work with what you got.

A longer term strategy to have the niece marry in the Church which is oriented of course to the niece's salvation, would be what I suggest. But, as I said, these situations are dicey and only you know how your niece will react. Her reaction should govern how you proceed forward with the aforementioned principles in mind - in my humble opinion!

Just one final caveat - is it possible that your niece and her boyfriend are open to receiving a dispenation from canonical form and then they can marry outside of a Catholic ceremony (since the marraige would not be sacramental since the boyfriend appears to not be baptized)? If that was the case - the entire problem could be solved. They would go through the Catholic classes, BUT marry in a non-Catholic ceremony. Depending upon her openness, this might actually be the VERY best option. Again, in my humble opinion! Plus the marriage would be putatively valid and all could go home happily ever after.

Peace and blessings, Bob

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