It sounds like your deacon lacked appropriate nuance.The preference of the Catholic Church remains that Catholics marry
other Catholics. “In all marriages, the primary concern of the Church
is to uphold the strength and stability of the indissoluble marital
union and the family life that flows from it. The perfect union of
persons and full sharing of life, which constitutes the married state,
are more easily assured when both partners belong to the same faith
community. In addition, practical experience and the observations
obtained in various dialogues between representatives of Churches and
ecclesial communities indicate that mixed marriages frequently present
difficulties for the couple themselves, and for the children born to
them, in maintaining their Christian faith and commitment and for the
harmony of family life. For all these reasons, marriage between
persons of the same [Church or] ecclesial community remains the
objective to be recommended and encouraged” (Ecumenical Directory
144).
Mixed marriage poses “an obstacle to the full spiritual communion of
the parties” (Pope Paul VI, Matrimonia Mixta). Despite their sharing
a common faith in Christ, the scriptures, and other elements of the
Christian heritage, spouses in mixed marriages bring with them the
tragically divided state of the Church of Christ. The different ways
in which their respective communities understand and live out the
common Christian heritage can be a source of tensions and
misunderstandings within their marriage. Mixed marriage is frequently
a significant factor in the decision of a Catholic to join another
Christian church or in the lapse from religious practice altogether.
Since marriage is a sacrament only between two baptized people, a
marriage between a baptized Catholic and a non-baptized person is
considered a natural marriage. If the non-baptized person receives
baptism after the marriage has taken place, the marriage automatically
becomes a sacrament.
Conditions and the Promises: For the permission for a mixed marriage
to be granted or for a dispensation from the impediment of disparity
of cult, there must be a just and reasonable cause (canon 1125), such
as the spiritual good of the faithful.
The following conditions must be met to permit a mixed marriage or
dispense from disparity of cult (canon 1125):
• The Catholic party must promise to remove dangers of defecting
from the Catholic faith.
• The Catholic party must promise to do all in his or her power
to baptize and raise all offspring in the Catholic Church.
• The non-Catholic party must be informed of the promises that
the Catholic party must make; however, no formal written or oral
promise is required of the non-Catholic party.
• Both parties must be instructed on the purposes and properties
of marriage, which neither of the parties is to exclude. “[This
instruction] is in addition to the customary marriage preparation
program and should be done on a direct and individual basis” (NCCB,
Faithful to Each Other Forever, p. 81).
The Catholic party is to be made aware of the following obligations
regarding children:
• That they are to be baptized within the first weeks after
birth (canon 867, §1)
• That they are to be prepared for and receive the sacrament of
penance before first Holy Communion (canon 914)
• That they are to be prepared for and receive the sacraments of
confirmation and first Holy Communion at the appropriate times (canons
890 and 914)
• That they are to receive catechesis in the Catholic faith
throughout their youth
It is not permissible to agree in advance to raise some children as
Catholics and others as members of another Church or ecclesial
community, or to raise the children in both communities (or neither
community), or to allow them to choose for themselves when they are of
age. Canon 1366 threatens penal sanctions for Catholic parents who
willingly allow their children to be baptized or raised in a non-
Catholic religion (see also Ecumenical Directory 151).
The following are the words that the Catholic is to promise in the
presence of a priest or deacon either orally or in writing: “I
reaffirm my faith in Jesus Christ and, with God’s help, intend to
continue living that faith in the Catholic Church. I promise to do
all in my power to share the faith I have received with our children
by having them baptized and reared as Catholics” (NCCB, Statement on
Mixed Marriages 5).
The priest or deacon is to certify that the Catholic has made the
declaration and promise and that the non-Catholic has been informed of
this requirement. This is done in the following words: “The required
promise and declaration have been made by the Catholic in my presence.
The non-Catholic has been informed of this requirement so that it is
certain that he /she is aware of the promise and obligation on the
part of the Catholic” (NCCB, Statement on Mixed Marriages 9).
A possible reason for mixed marriage permission or dispensation from
disparity of cult is the hope of reception into full Communion or
conversion of the non-Catholic. This is not a requirement before
marriage. An adult should only become a member of the Catholic Church
by his or her free choice. However, preparation for marriage presents
a unique opportunity for clergy or parish ministers to offer
information about Rite of Christian Initiation of Adult programs and
to give the non-Catholic party a positive experience of the Catholic
Church.
Treatment of Religious Differences in Marital Preparation: The
question of religious differences, the difficulties that such
differences entail, and the obligations of the Catholic party are to
be addressed early enough in the marriage preparation process to allow
a thorough airing of the concerns and possible objections of both
parties. The priest, deacon, or parish minister responsible for
marriage preparation should draw the couple into a candid discussion
of the religious issues in their marriage, possible sources of
tension, and strategies for dealing with conflicts. As an indication
of preparedness, the parties should recognize the potential problems
arising from differences of religion that have already surfaced during
the courtship or are reasonably foreseeable.
“In preparing the necessary marriage preparation programs, the priest
or deacon, and those who assist him, should stress the positive
aspects of what the couple share together as Christians in the life of
grace, in faith, hope and love, along with the other interior gifts of
the Holy Spirit. Each party, while continuing to be faithful to his
or her Christian commitment and to the practice of it, should seek to
foster all that can lead to unity and harmony, without minimizing real
differences and while avoiding an attitude of religious indifference”
(Ecumenical Directory 148).
“In the interest of greater understanding and unity, both parties
should learn more about their partner’s religious convictions and the
teaching and religious practices of the Church or ecclesial community
to which he or she belongs. To help them live the Christian
inheritance they have in common, they should be reminded that prayer
together is essential for their spiritual harmony and that reading and
study of the Sacred Scriptures are especially important. In the
period of preparation, the couple’s effort to understand their
individual religious and ecclesial traditions, and serious
consideration of the differences that exist, can lead to greater
honesty, charity and understanding of these realities and also of the
marriage itself” (Ecumenical Directory 149).
An anti-Catholic attitude on the part of the non-Catholic or his or
her family, lack of respect for the Catholic’s religious convictions
or practice, and differences of attitude about the frequency of
religious practice or church support are issues that should be
resolved prior to the marriage.
Since in disparity of cult marriages the spouses do not share a common
Christian faith, their religious differences and the tensions arising
from them are likely to be more acute. This must be acknowledged and
fully treated early in the marriage preparation process.
If the non-Catholic is indifferent to religious matters, the Catholic
should be aware of how difficult it will be to maintain religious
observance and see to the religious formation of children without the
support of his or her spouse.
