ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS

(A Series of Lectures and Discussions in Preparation for 
Marriage)

--REVISED, SECOND EDITION--


Edited by
THE REVEREND WILLIAM R. CLARK, O.P., PH.D.,
Professor Of Sociology, Providence College

Copyright 1950,1952
By the Providence College Press
Providence 8, Rhode Island


Printed by
The Rosary Press, Inc., Somerset, Ohio


Nihil Obstat:
DENNIS BERNARDINE MCCARTHY, O.P., S.T.LR., PH.D.

GEORGE QUENTIN FRIEL, O.P., S.T.LR., PH.D.

Imprimi Potest:
TERENCE STEPHEN MCDERMOTT, O.P., S.T.LR., LL.D.
Prior Provincial, St. Joseph's Province

March 19, 1952


Imprimatur:
+RUSSELL J. MCVINNEY, D.D.
Bishop of Providence

March 22,1952



FOREWORD

During the Lent of 1947, in answer to insistent requests from the 
students of Providence College and from others, the Sociology 
Department and the Chaplain's Office of the College collaborated 
on a series of lectures on Courtship and Marriage. These lectures 
were delivered by five members of the faculty, and were attended 
by an average of one hundred and seventy-five persons. Those 
responsible for the series were sufficiently gratified to promise 
that it would be repeated the following year.

This was done in 1948, 1949, and 1950. During the Lent of 1949 
and again in the Fall of the same year, the editor and Father 
Michael P. Coyne, O.P., presented the same material in two series 
for engaged and married couples at St. Pius Priory. The 1950 
series, then, represents a refinement of the five previous 
courses. It was, from the point of view of attendance by far the 
most successful, with an average of more than two hundred and 
fifty persons present for each of the six discussions. There were 
approximately four hundred present for the talk by the "Catholic 
Physician."

The 1950 Lenten Series is presented here, very much the way it 
occurred. Stenographic records were kept at each session and with 
only slight changes here and there each is reproduced almost 
word-for-word. The talk by the married couple is presented in 
more detail, as also is the physician's talk, because the 
discussion or question period assumed more importance in those 
than in the other talks. For teaching purposes, "Questions for 
Review" and "Questions for Discussion" are appended to each of 
the chapters, with the exception of the one by the physician. We 
feel that his treatment of the lecture material as well as the 
questions put to him is rather complete. Here, only review 
questions are listed.

The technique used in this series was as follows: the program was 
divided into a straight lecture and a question period. After the 
lecture a five-minute intermission was declared during which 
those present had an opportunity to write questions on slips of 
paper distributed by student ushers. These questions constituted 
the material for the second half of the program. During this part 
of the evening the discussion was open to the floor, but no one 
asked a question vocally; only the written questions were 
discussed. It might be added that ten percent of those in 
attendance were married; another twenty-five percent, engaged.

We are indebted to all those who contributed to the success of 
all of the Lenten series, and we have only praise for the 
contributors of this pamphlet. We are grateful to those who so 
kindly read the "Pro Manuscripto" edition and sent in their 
comments. A word of thanks to Mrs. William J. Flatley and Mrs. 
Owen M. Bannon must be spoken for their stenographic work, and 
Mr. Joseph F. Cavanaugh, B.F.A., who did the art work.

NOVEMBER 15, 1950                         W. R. C.


In little more than one year the first printing of 5,000 copies 
was disposed of to schools, colleges, study clubs, Cana groups, 
and parishes. In preparing the second edition it was decided to 
include one of the papers from the 1951 series, the one on the 
"Sanctifying Power of Matrimony," a topic which is sometimes 
overlooked in marriage preparation.--We are grateful to all who, 
by their purchases of the first edition and by their 
encouragement, have helped to make this second, revised edition 
possible.--Daniel F. Higgins, A.B., did the illustration for 
chapter VII.

MARCH 7, 1952                         W. R. C.



CONTENTS

I.   GETTING INSTRUCTED (On the Sacrament of Matrimony)
     Rev. John T. Dittoe, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.D.

II.  GETTING ACQUAINTED (On Courtship and Chastity) 
     Rev. Charles H. McKenna, O.P., B. Litt. (Oxon)

III. GETTING INSPIRED (On Family Retreats, Cana Conferences, etc.)
     Rev. John F. O'Neil, A.M.

IV.  GETTING MEALS (On Home Management) 
     Mr. and Mrs. Charles F. Reynolds

V.   GETTING THE FACTS (On the Medical and Personal Side)
     A Catholic Physician

VI.  GETTING MARRIED (On the Ceremonies and Contract of Marriage)
     Rev. William R. Clark, O.P., Ph.D.

VII. GETTING THE CROWN (On the Sanctifying Power of Marriage)
     Rev. Thomas H. McBrien, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.L.

Appendix A--The Catholic Marriage Ceremony, the Nuptial Mass with 
the Nuptial Blessing

Appendix B--Recommended Readings

Index



I. GETTING INSTRUCTED

BY THE REVEREND JOHN T. DITTOE, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.D.

The Reverend John T. Dittoe, O.P., is an assistant to the 
Chaplain of the College and professor of Theology.

MARRIAGE, today as always, is an intriguing subject. This fact is 
attested to by the countless times marriage is the subject, and 
perhaps--the object of conversation. As has often been said, the 
three most widely discussed topics of conversation are: religion, 
politics, and sex. For one reason or another, people are always 
interested in all three. Right now we are going to turn our 
thoughts to something that has to do with the first and the third 
topic, and in particular we are going to speak of the sacrament 
of Matrimony.

The proper view of marriage is often lacking even in those who, 
by today's standards, are learned and cultured and good people. 
Some, looking at marriage, are overwhelmed by its dignity and its 
obligations; hence they look upon it with fear. To these, 
marriage is not an ideal--but an ordeal. Some see in marriage 
something of the comical. To these, an announcement of a coming 
marriage conjures up a picture of the flustered bridegroom 
forgetting the wedding ring, or the blushing bride kissing the 
altar boy instead of her husband. Still others see in marriage 
something of the sensational, and so they are married in a unique 
way, perhaps--in the air, or under the sea. Imagine--kissing your 
bride through a diver's helmet. Yet, the proper outlook on 
marriage demands that we see it for what it truly is: the man and 
the woman embarking upon a life where two become one and remain 
one until death.


Institution

On that day in the Garden of Eden when the Creator looked upon 
His most perfect creature and saw that Adam, despite his 
countless possessions and his sovereignty over the whole world, 
was lonely, God spoke these words: "It is not good for man to be 
alone!" (Genesis 2,18) and He created for Adam a helpmate, Eve. 
Since that day when Almighty God gave Eve to Adam and Adam to 
Eve, marriage has been a good and sacred thing. On that day in 
the dawn of this world, the Author of Nature Himself instituted 
marriage, giving it a divine character. From its very beginning 
even the mere contract of marriage has been sacred; its origin 
was divine. Marriage is not merely a matter of human institution; 
it is God-given. The Sacred Scriptures tell us: "God blessed them 
(Adam and Eve) saying: Increase and multiply, and fill the earth" 
(Genesis 1,28). With these words God sanctioned the union of man 
and woman and bestowed His blessing upon the newly-married 
couple.


Sacrament

In the course of ages, the pagans and even the chosen people of 
God, the Jews, forgot the sacredness of the institution of 
marriage and considered it a mere invention of man. But the God 
of all, coming upon this earth, was again to bless the joining of 
man and woman. At the marriage-feast of Cana, Christ gave divine 
approval once more to the lawful union of husband and wife. On 
that occasion Christ Himself gave a glorious note to marriage, a 
note that has rung down through the centuries. Christ marked that 
day by His own

Divine Presence and blessed that marriage with His first miracle, 
by changing water into wine, lest the newly-weds be embarrassed 
at the failing of the wine. All this was but the forecast of the 
time when He Himself would add that touch of Wisdom Divine, when 
by His God-head He would raise marriage to the heights of heaven, 
when He would confer upon marriage the great dignity of one of 
His seven sacraments. If marriage was divinely blessed in Eden 
and at Cana, its crowning certainly came when Christ conferred 
upon it the dignity of a sacrament, whereby He Himself would be 
present for every future marriage, blessing it with the richness 
of a thousand blessings, and bestowing upon the young bride and 
groom the helps needed for a blessed and happily married life. 
The dignity of marriage is tremendous, for marriage is blessed 
and holy. It is blessed because God Himself is its Author; it is 
holy because Christ Who is God, made it the great sacrament which 
is an image of His union with the Church.

To speak of marriage, then, is to speak of the sacrament of 
Matrimony.


Contract

The nature or essence of marriage seems most complex, yet, seen 
in its true light the notion of marriage is readily grasped. 
Rightfully understood, "marriage is a lawful and exclusive 
contract by which a man and a woman give and accept a right over 
their bodies for the purpose of acts which are in themselves apt 
for the generation of children." The essential notion to be 
grasped here is contained in the word contract. At the outset, we 
see that marriage is not primarily something in the physical 
order, but in the rational or intellectual order. A contract has 
to do with our wills. Actual marital intercourse is not of the 
essence of marriage, for we can have a true marriage without its 
being consummated; after all, Our Lady Mary was truly the spouse 
of Joseph. The very essence of marriage consists precisely in 
that act of the deliberate will by which a man and a woman each 
surrenders rights in view of the ends of marriage. This renders 
marriage between animals an impossibility. You cannot picture 
Fido saying to Josephine and Josephine to Fido: "I will." When a 
couple pronounces the words that makes them husband and wife, 
they make a contract with each other, a contract that is 
different from any other contract for the object of this contract 
is the common life. With the words: "I take thee...", this man 
and this woman proclaim to the world and before God that they are 
embarking upon life together, life together as a means of 
advancing nearer to God as they advance nearer to each other, so 
that truly they are "two in one flesh" (Mark 10,8). The words 
themselves are nothing other than the exterior manifestation of 
the interior consent, of the giving and the receiving of the 
rights over each other's body. If the internal consent is not 
present, then the words are meaningless and in truth there is no 
contract, there is no marriage. All this is true of any marriage, 
not only of Christian marriage, but of each and every marriage 
from the beginning of time.


Justice

The nature of this contract to which the partners bind themselves 
is subject to justice and the conditions which justice demands. 
The nature of marriage is outside the mere whim of man. Persons 
are free to marry or not to marry; they are free to marry this 
man or this woman; they are free to marry in June or in 
September. True, marriage does have its roots in nature, in the 
nature of man and in the nature of woman, in the incompleteness 
of man or woman alone, in the limitations of our physical life 
and in the need of perpetuating society; still it is not 
something that just happens to every man and to every woman; they 
must bring it upon themselves. The free will must come into play. 
One must make the choice. Yet, once the choice is made--to marry 
and to pledge one's love and devotion to another for life, 
matrimony is entirely independent of the ideas and the wishes of 
the individual. Marriage is not merely a matter concerning 
individuals; it concerns society, and hence is subject to the 
social welfare. Once two people have embarked upon the vocation 
of marriage, they are not free to do as they will in all matters. 
The common good of all men demands that they be bound, and be 
bound absolutely by the laws of God and of His Church in the 
living of that vocation. Marriage is a personal matter in that 
you can take it or leave it, but once you take it and enter into 
it, marriage is a matter of society.

(Society's interest in marriage will be touched upon later under 
the question of marriage laws; but in passing, let it be said 
that marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is 
the foundation of society. Anything that gnaws at the foundation, 
as divorce does, gnaws at society itself.)


Purpose

Everything in this world exists for a definite purpose, and 
marriage exists for a very definite purpose. In fact, the 
purposes of marriage are many, and usually they are divided into 
primary and secondary. The primary purpose is clear from the 
definition of marriage given above. The reason for marriage in 
the Divine Plan is the generation of children and their 
education. In other words, marriage exists, first of all, for the 
purpose of bringing children into the world and educating them in 
the knowledge and the love of God. Secondarily, marriage exists 
for the mutual help the partners can give each other in living 
the good life, for their mutual love and devotion, and for the 
protection they afford each other against temptation. How 
different is this view of marriage, God's view, from that of 
sentimental moderns, where convenience and physical attraction 
are the only "sane" reasons for marriage.

Marriage is a good and holy thing. The narrow mind which looks 
upon it as something merely to be tolerated is to be condemned. 
Marriage existed before sin entered into this world, and it 
exists after sin, not as an effect of sin, but as a remedy 
against evil and a way to holiness. It came directly from the 
hands of God with the nature of man. And it was inevitable that 
when Christ came upon earth that men might have life more 
abundantly, He would certainly give greater fulness, greater 
holiness, greater union to this thing which is human love. Christ 
made marriage a source of divine life as well as of human life. 
He raised marriage to the dignity of a sacrament. From God and 
the sacrament come the goods and the compensations, the blessings 
and the benefits of marriage.


Blessings

The blessings of marriage are threefold: these are the good of 
the child, the good of faith, and the good of the sacrament. In 
that order we shall treat of the blessings and benefits of 
marriage. For the modern man and woman, to hear children listed 
as the first blessing of marriage would call forth a wry smile. 
To the modern mind it is not merely a joke when a certain man 
seeing his son pass by, turning to the fellow next to him and 
instead of saying: "There goes my boy, Johnny or Jimmy or Joe." 
says, "There goes one of my tax deductions."


The Child

That children hold the first place among the blessings of 
marriage was taught by God Himself, when He said to our first 
parents: "Increase and multiply and fill the earth." God Himself 
chose marriage as the means of bringing more souls into this 
world that they might someday enter into the glory of Heaven. 
Children are the primary reason for marriage, and they are 
actually the first fruit of the pure love of husband and wife. 
The child is the perfect expression of love, for here is a union 
which is an embodiment of the father and the mother. Here is, as 
it were, a human trinity--the father, the mother, and the child.

The coming of the child brings not merely a new life into the 
home, but with the birth of the child a new kind of life enters 
into the home--family life. It is when God sends the fruit of 
marriage--children--that the parents begin to know what true love 
is. Certainly, there was love before the coming of the child, but 
now there is a deeper love, a nobler love, an enduring love. True 
love is identical with sacrifice. To love someone with a true 
love, a spiritual love, an abiding love means thinking of them 
often, means trying to please them, means making sacrifices for 
them. It means being able to accept another person into their 
love, not so as to deprive each other of one bit of love, but 
broadening the same intense love to include another. The coming 
of children into the home offers countless opportunities for the 
expression of all these sentiments, for with children come 
responsibilities, and cares and duties, and anxieties, and 
sleepless nights and work-filled days, and above all the need of 
patience and kindness and forebearance. No truer words do we find 
than those which are read to us in the instruction before the 
marriage ceremony: "Sacrifice is usually difficult and irksome. 
Only love can make it easy; and perfect love can make it a joy. 
We are willing to give in proportion as we love."


Conjugal Fidelity

The second blessing of marriage is the good of faith, conjugal 
fidelity--the faithfulness of husband to wife and of wife to 
husband. To this blessing pertains specially conjugal chastity by 
which the spouses render to each other and to no one else the 
mutual rights granted by marriage. Here is had that perfect unity 
of a man and a woman, that oneness of mind and heart and 
affections to be achieved in a whole lifetime, not in a day or in 
a year. Without faithfulness to each other, love cannot endure. 
This benefit of marriage includes the minimum that can be asked 
of the partners, the fairness to each other in thought and in 
desire as well as in external honorable acts which justice in the 
household demands. But it goes beyond, to a deep mutual 
confidence and trust, binding husband and wife closer as they 
spend the years together. Perhaps only those who have lost it, 
who can no longer trust their partner can fully appreciate how 
profoundly this absolute confidence has entered into every 
thought, word, and action of their married life. Without this 
faith, every gesture is interpreted as a sham, a lie. If the 
husband is late for dinner, he has been entertaining someone 
else. If the wife accepts a ride home from a party with someone 
else's husband, her mate is sure that she has been unfaithful to 
him and there wasn't any party at all. And suspicion grows and 
mounts with each passing day until all trust in one's partner is 
lost and the living of married life is unbearable. Without the 
blessing of conjugal fidelity, here truly is a betrayal of love.


Sacrament

The final compensation of marriage is the good of the sacrament. 
This blessing of marriage goes beyond the act of marriage to its 
very essence. The love part in marriage is never forgotten and 
neglected; often the part of sex is stressed far above its 
rightful place. The third and last blessing of marriage, however, 
is too frequently given little or no thought. This is the "good 
of the sacrament," by which is meant the noble significance which 
this sacrament of matrimony has of the union of Christ with His 
Church. Marriage itself signifies this transcendent union of the 
Divine Spouse, Christ, with His Mystical Body. Here we find the 
greatest dignity of marriage. Just as the union of Christ with 
His Church was a union of love, and a union by which grace 
entered into the Church, so also is marriage a union of love, and 
a union by which sacramental grace enters into the spouses of 
Christian marriage through each other. In Matrimony, the spouses 
are the ministers of the sacrament. The man and the woman are the 
instruments which God uses in conferring grace upon each other. 
The priest, present at the ceremony, is not the minister of the 
sacrament; he is only the witness to the proclamation of the 
intention of these two before him to live a common life to the 
glory of God and to their own salvation. The Wisdom of Divinity 
alone could conceive of making marriage the means by which two in 
love might confer grace upon each other.


Indissolubility

As a blessing of marriage the good of the sacrament denotes above 
all the indissolubility of the bond which is of the very essence 
of the consummated marriage. Nature itself dictates the need of 
stability in marriage; nature demands that marriage be not merely 
a temporary arrangement, but rather a permanent union, for there 
is always the child, with its nourishment and care and education 
to be considered. However, nature alone would not dictate the 
complete unity and lastingness of marriage.

The consecration of Christ gives to every marriage which is a 
sacrament the blessing that it be perfectly one and enduring 
until death. From this consecration comes the ultimate perfection 
to human love. Just as the union of Christ with His Church cannot 
be dissolved, neither can the union of man and woman in holy 
wedlock cease to be, except by death. In this way alone can 
marriage be a worthy climax of love. The realization of the life-
long endurance of marriage is bound to have its effect upon the 
living of life together. It is a positive guarantee to each 
spouse, making easier and safer the total giving of oneself to 
the other. To bear with one another, to give and to take, to 
forgive and to be forgiven--all this must be if marriage is to 
endure, and marriage must endure. Yet, marriage does not change 
the persons involved so that they are entirely different. No, 
they remain the same, with the same faults and failings. Each has 
his or her own ideas on certain matters; each has his or her 
likes and dislikes; each knows what he or she wants and what he 
or she does not want. Yet, here we have two who are one. It is 
this oneness that is itself an endless process. Each must learn 
that gentleness and sympathy from which spring real peace and 
fulfillment. There can never be complete agreement of desire in 
every little issue, but beneath these little differences, there 
must be a solid core of unity which nothing can shake.


Sacramental Grace

The first blessing of the sacrament guarantees that the marriage 
will never fail, and it will never fail because of the other 
gifts the sacrament brings to the spouses. Marriage, above all, 
is a sacrament. As a sacrament it increases sanctifying grace in 
the soul, for it is a "sacrament of the living" to be given only 
to those already friends of God. To receive Matrimony in the 
state of sin is to commit a sacrilege, the defamation of a sacred 
thing, and instead of beginning married life with the blessings 
of God the spouses enter wedlock with the scorn of their Creator 
upon them, having made a mockery of His Wisdom and His Mercy. 
Besides this increase of the Divine Life in the spouses through 
sanctifying grace, there is given in Christian marriage a very 
special grace, called the sacramental grace of Matrimony. This 
grace is not conferred for the moment, for the time being, but 
this sacrament confers upon the man and the woman a right to all 
the graces of a lifetime, a right to all the special helps they 
will need to live a holy and happily married life. The grace of 
this sacrament assures them that in the time of difficulties, 
which, although unforeseen on their wedding day, will certainly 
come, they will have the strength and the courage to bear with 
the problems of living the common life. They know that through 
this sacrament they will have, on the promise of God Himself, the 
help they need to overcome each and every temptation in their 
married life. (A more complete discussion of sacramental grace 
will be found in Chapter VII.) These temptations may be an attack 
on any of the three goods or compensations of marriage. All told, 
there are just three roads which the enemies may take in an 
attempt to disrupt the peace and the sanctity of the home. 
Whether the temptation be against the child, during pregnancy, at 
birth, or after birth; against mutual justice, by denying 
another's right, notably in the use of Matrimony's act, through 
the practice of birth control or adultery; against the 
indissoluble bond of union, by divorce and attempted re-marriage-
-no matter what, each partner will have the particular grace and 
special help he or she needs to overcome that temptation because 
of the sacrament which has been received. The right to these 
graces has been given them, and this right will not be denied by 
God.


Attacks on Marriage

In this day and age the interest in marriage is one of 
desecration rather than consecration of the home. The attack upon 
Matrimony is growing day by day as is evidenced by the number of 
divorces granted each year, by the conservative estimate of one 
million abortions performed last year, by the tremendous 
manufacture and sale of contraceptives. All this is an attack 
upon the home, but at the same time it is an attack upon society. 
The family is the basic unit of society; without the family 
society could not exist. Yet, the advocates of legalized adultery 
and legalized murder and legalized self-abuse are ignorant of 
their undermining our democratic way of life, a way of life to 
which they profess to be so greatly devoted. In the midst of all 
this corruption and degradation there is but one means of saving 
all that we hold with a sacred trust. To save society, we must 
save the family; to save the family, we must save the sacrament 
of Matrimony.


To Husbands and Wives

Upon those who have the one and only true concept of marriage, 
there rests a tremendous burden--the task of living their own 
married lives after the manner God Himself, the Author of 
marriage, has decreed; and the task of inducing others to realize 
the solemn contract they have made before God. Married men and 
women must be true to themselves, to their partner, to their 
children, to society--in other words, to their contract--and 
above all to their God. They must live the good life of married 
love encompassed with the love of God.

The beauty of Matrimony can be seen at a glance. We have only to 
recall the blessings of marriage--children, companionship, and 
grace--correspond to the three kinds of love, physical, 
sentimental or emotional, and spiritual. God alone could blend 
them all so beautifully. To those living the married life, we 
say: With courage go forth and face the world with its 
condemnations and desecrations and vices and selfishness. The 
courage is yours, for you have the absolute assurance of the 
helps and graces you will need to lead a virtuous life in the 
midst of corruption. Be the help and assistance to each other 
that you proclaim you will be on your wedding day. Teach your 
children of God and the way to God. All this, that the day may 
come when you will be united in the glorious family of God with 
the angels and saints in Heaven.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What is the definition of marriage?

2. What is the essential notion contained in the definition of 
marriage? Explain your answer. 

3. What is meant by the statement: Marriage is a good and sacred 
thing? 

4. In what way is marriage a concern of society? 

5. What is the primary purpose of marriage? secondary purpose? 

6. For what benefits was marriage instituted? 

7. What is the source of the indissolubility of marriage? 

8. What is the special grace of the sacrament of Matrimony? 

9. How does the sacramental grace of the sacrament of Matrimony 
enable marriage to achieve its purpose? 

10. In how many ways can the enemies of the home attempt to 
destroy marriage?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. Is marriage a mere invention of man? 

2. How did Christ show His approval of the union of man and woman 
in marriage? 

3. What are the effects of Christ's raising marriage to the 
dignity of a sacrament? 

4. How does nature dictate the stability of marriage? 

5. In what way does the sacrament make the bond of marriage 
stable and permanent? 

6. Are children a blessing for the parents? 

7. What sins make an attack upon the three benefits of marriage? 

8. Is every marriage a sacrament?



II. GETTING ACQUAINTED


BY THE REVEREND CHARLES H. MCKENNA, O.P., B.LITT. (OXON)

The Reverend Charles H. McKenna, O.P., has been the chaplain of 
the students at Providence College for more than ten years. He 
teaches in the Department of History and Government.

MARRIAGE is a vocation, a distinct vocation for certain souls. It 
is a serious and sacred union of man and woman for life, not in 
the manner of a business partnership, but rather in a most 
intimate relationship affecting their present, future, and even 
eternal destinies. To perpetuate Divine Life on earth Christ 
established His priesthood and gave us the sacrament of the Holy 
Eucharist. To perpetuate human life, the Creator not only endowed 
man and woman with certain physical and mutually complementary 
characteristics, but He also implanted in them natural impulses 
and objectives which are consecrated in the sacrament of 
Matrimony. Both the priesthood and the married state are 
vocations. Both are blessed with sacraments. Both are lifetime 
consecrations--"thou art a priest forever"; husband and wife take 
each other "until death do us part."

Now the Church is particularly careful about those whom she 
anoints as priests, or whom she admits into her service in the 
religious life. For those who would share in her ministry she 
demands a long period of study and preparation, while for the 
religious life a time of novitiate is required in which the 
candidate has an opportunity to investigate the life that 
eventually will be his, to live according to its rule and to 
learn something of the responsibilities and obligations of such a 
career.


Novitiate to Marriage

The period of courtship is somewhat similar to the novitiate for 
the religious life. It is a time of investigation and preparation 
for that common life which begins with the reception of the 
sacrament of Matrimony. Since marriage is a real vocation to a 
divinely instituted mode of living, since it is a union of 
husband and wife until death, the people who enter into it should 
not do so with too great haste, nor without the proper 
appreciation of all its responsibilities, realizing that the 
better one prepare for it, the more likely it is to be a happy 
and successful union. The boy and girl, to quote the phrase of 
Father Bede Jarrett, "should be apprenticed, as it were, to the 
trade of family life." They should look into the family life of 
their own homes and study the reasons for the success of their 
parents. They should learn wisely of others whose households are 
an inspiration. Unless fundamentals are understood beforehand and 
realities seen, at least in outline, the future "with its hopes 
and disappointments, its successes and its failures" may be 
unbearably rough and embarrassing.


Sacrifice Necessary

It cannot be too forcibly impressed on the minds of those 
contemplating marriage that although marriage serves many 
purposes and brings immeasurable happiness, nevertheless it 
demands positive sacrifice, sometimes for long periods, and a 
mutual give and take in matters in which each has held a stubborn 
point of view. Every advantage received in matrimony seems to 
exact a yielding of a corresponding freedom, yet every sacrifice 
involved means a commensurate benefit. It gives strength and 
endurance to the bond of partnership, but only at the cost of 
mutual cooperation and confidence. It offers social stability and 
protection and, at the same time, imposes social restraints and 
limitations. It allows and enobles physical gratification, but, 
in turn, demands a mutual self-surrender and the obligation to 
accept the responsibilities that may follow as a consequence of 
this physical union.


"Window-shopping"

The initial stage of courtship might be called the "Discovery 
Era." Before true courtship really exists there is generally a 
period of investigation, of romantic window-shopping. Both boy 
and girl look over the eligibles. This is the time when 
practically every date is with a different boy or with a 
different girl. Sometimes a couple will go out together for a 
month or more and then if one or the other begins to "get 
serious" a new partner is immediately sought. This process goes 
on for a while with the usual waverings of the affections, the 
awakening of enthusiastic interests followed by a series of 
wounding disappointments. But despite the surface attitude of 
flippancy there may be, in fact there should be, a very serious 
search for genuine value. The choice of one must eventually be 
made by both the boy and the girl. Marriage is with one partner. 
It is an investment not only for life, but an investment of life.

Many things cause initial attraction. Physical beauty and 
personal charm play a great part in bringing together young 
people; a kindred field of interest, or work, a similarity of 
taste in literature, music, or the theatre may be other reasons. 
But these are really accidental and, important chiefly at the 
outset. Subsequently, however, the hidden qualities, the deeper 
and more sterling revelations of character should gain pre-
eminence and help in the definite selection of this particular 
boy or girl.

Theoretically, for both the choice is equal. But because the girl 
too frequently does not wish to take the chance of remaining 
single throughout life, she makes the decision sooner than the 
boy. Unfortunately, at times this decision is prompted not by 
love, but because there is, or there seems to be, no immediate 
prospect of another choice. The natural desire for motherhood in 
every woman and the fear of "remaining on the shelf" with all the 
accompanying stigma attached to that state is the true motive for 
this hasty selection. Too late is it realized that it would have 
been better to have stayed single than to have entered into an 
unhappy marriage--until death--is the wisdom of the old adage 
impressed on her: "Marry in haste, and repent at leisure."


Going Steady

Gradually this period of shopping narrows itself down to the 
choice of the individual partner. Perhaps the selection was slow 
in coming; perhaps it was delayed because of necessity. But 
eventually there is that unforgettable occasion, usually some 
night, when the heavens seemed to take on a new glory, when the 
moon appeared brighter than ever before and the stars more 
brilliant, when the air was more exhilarating, when the world had 
taken on a new meaning. Life had suddenly become more purposeful. 
In the quietude of each other's company, it was discovered that 
boy and girl are in love. The girl thinks that she has found the 
man of her ideals, or at least as near to those ideals as 
possible; the boy feels that this is the girl of his choice, the 
one he wishes to make the mother of his children, the only one 
that was ever made like her.

Once the decision has been made it is followed by a period in 
which the affections are quickened. There is a constant search on 
the part of each to say and to do the things that please each 
other. The free moments of the day, and the sleepless hours of 
the night are spent in planning things that will be mutually 
enjoyable. There are frequent treasure hunts through the stores, 
trying to find gifts for each other's birthday, for Christmas and 
other occasions.

In this period the boy seeks to secure his position and to cement 
his affections. He showers his attention on the girl and 
endeavors to make himself acceptable to her parents. She, on her 
part, tries to understand better her fiance and to make herself 
acceptable to his parents.


Consider the "Old-folks"

Why should parents be considered? After all, boy takes girl and 
girl takes boy, not each other's family. That is true; the 
marriage contract is between the boy and the girl, but how often 
do parents attempt to interfere with their children's plans? How 
often do parents attempt to arrange a marriage according to their 
longtime secret ambitions. One does not have to search for long, 
nor very far, to find examples of parents who for reasons of 
social prestige, of wealth, or of personal advantage forced their 
sons and their daughters into unhappy marriages without any 
consideration of the wishes of the parties themselves. Such 
interference and coercion, under certain circumstances, may 
vitiate the marriage contract and render it null and void.


Compatible?

The principal purpose of courtship is to find out whether the 
couple can adapt themselves to a common life, to see whether 
their personal lives are compatible, whether their love can stand 
the test of sacrifice and persist through periods of difference 
and difficulty. Much time will be spent together, at dances, in 
restaurants, and in the theatre. There will be automobile drives 
together, walks through the park and parties with friends. But 
the most important opportunities for discovering the 
possibilities of a successful marriage will be found in the hours 
that are spent at home, away from all the artificial stimulation 
and the external excitement and glamour of public entertainment. 
Here they will learn to know and respect each other. As future 
man and wife their lives together will be lived in the home, and 
the proper time to discover whether they are capable of 
establishing a true home is the period of courtship. Can they 
carry on for any length of time a serious conversation about 
topics of mutual interest? Are their cultural likes so diverse 
that discussion is impossible? Are their ideals and standards of 
morality, of economics, of social life such that there can be no 
agreement? The answers to these questions will be unfolded in the 
hours spent together at home.


Not Compatible! 

If perchance it should be discovered that a harmonious future 
cannot be foreseen, that the pattern of these two lives cannot be 
reconciled, then a separation should take place immediately. The 
fear of emotional upsets, the apprehension of what other people 
will say, should not be made the reasons for prolonging a 
courtship which will eventually end in tragedy. In all such cases 
time is a great healer. A change of scenery also may help one to 
forget a broken romance, although this may not always be possible 
because of family obligations or economic necessity. But to 
continue keeping company when it is known that marriage is out of 
the question merely postpones the difficulties of separation and 
delays the chances for each party to begin a new romance with 
someone else. For the girl this can be most unfair, because time 
works more to her disadvantage than to the boy's. The longer she 
waits to find the truly compatible partner, the more limited is 
the choice, if she is given the opportunity of a choice at all.

But the couple who have tried themselves in the school of daily 
living, who have investigated their differences in thought and 
habit, who have weighed their sensitive natures and finally come 
to the conclusion that marriage is possible, then, with the help 
of God, they may look forward to a future filled with the 
happiness that comes only from true love.


True Compatibility

This true compatibility of the boy and girl is assured if both 
have similar or complimentary tastes and habits. It is not 
necessary that their likes and dislikes be identical, but each 
must be ready to appreciate the other's temperament and 
eccentricities. Each must be willing to make concessions in favor 
of the other. This yielding to the ideas of the other must be 
mutual. It must not always be the boy who gives in to the girl, 
or the girl who constantly has to do what the boy wants. There 
should also, of course, be some common interests which can be 
shared together, especially during leisure time.


Social Compatibility

Social compatibility is another essential to marital happiness. 
This does not mean that there must be equality of social 
prominence, or of wealth, but it does demand a harmony of ideals 
and social adaptability. Class distinction is not part of our 
American system of life. The traditions of our national and 
social life are founded on the equality of individuals. Not 
infrequently, however, social and economic differences create 
hazards to a happy married life. This is particularly true if the 
wealthy party receives expensive gifts and financial assistance 
from his parents. A patronizing attitude is sometimes manifested 
by wealthy in-laws which makes the less fortunate member feel 
that he has lost his economic independence, or gives him the 
sense of a social orphan, who has been suddenly elevated to a 
station which would have been unobtainable without this help. It 
puts a stigma on lowliness of birth and poverty that is not 
easily erased.

During the time of courtship the young couple should endeavor to 
enjoy themselves within the capacity of the boy's income or 
allowance. For a girl always to seek luxurious gifts and costly 
entertainment may create the impression that she has such 
expensive tastes that even with a reasonable salary the boy would 
never expect to support her in the future in the style to which 
she has been accustomed. Consequently, that romance is ended. Or, 
for the boy always to suggest that he take the girl to the most 
expensive night clubs and to the most highly priced shows, when 
he really cannot afford to do so, deliberately leads the girl to 
false impressions of his economic standard. Frankness in such 
matters may be a little humiliating on occasion, but if the truth 
is not made known at the outset, then false criteria may be set 
up and when the sham is eventually revealed--as it must--
disillusionment and discontent are the normal results.

Extravagance is understandable and tolerable on rare occasions: a 
birthday, a college junior promenade, or some similar event. 
These are exceptional instances, however, and a boy who pretends 
that such is the normal routine is doing a grave injustice to 
himself and to his girl. He is inviting future trouble when it 
becomes apparent that his wallet just will not support a 
continuous round of such activities with all their attendant 
appeal.


Religious Compatibility

A common faith and religious background are the cornerstone of a 
happy marriage. Differences of religion hit at the very basis of 
the married life. The Church, with the divine authority that is 
hers, and the wisdom that is based on the experience of 
centuries, places obstacles in the way of a mixed marriage, that 
is, a marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. The reason 
for these obstacles is to create a greater awareness on the part 
of the young couple of this very fundamental difference and to 
cause them to think well before entering into the life-lasting 
contract.

The whole relation of the emotional and sensual life, the 
question of children, their baptism, education, and religious 
instruction are involved in mixed marriages. These are root 
issues, and where there is friction or disagreement on them, 
trouble is sure to follow. Not too infrequently the bitterness 
engendered by these problems becomes so tense and so constant 
that the home is disrupted and the family separated.

Certain promises must be signed by the non-Catholic before the 
marriage ceremony can take place. First of all, the Catholic 
doctrine of marriage as an enduring contract "until death," must 
be recognized. Then the non-Catholic specifically states that the 
Catholic shall in no way be impeded from the free and complete 
practice of his religion; secondly, that all children--not just 
the boys, or just the girls, but all--will be baptized and raised 
in the Catholic Faith; lastly, it is pledged that no other 
ceremony, either civil or religious, will take place before or 
after the Catholic wedding. These promises are made in writing 
and must be witnessed by a priest. The mere expression of good 
will and a verbal pronouncement to observe them are not 
sufficient. The signed document must be forwarded to the bishop 
of the diocese where the wedding is to take place, and he gives 
the dispensation and the permission for the marriage ceremony.

Even after these promises have been made and the marriage 
ceremony over, there may be difficulty and unrest because the 
non-Catholic takes very lightly, or completely disregards the 
pledge not to interfere with the Catholic's practice of religion. 
Because he is no longer concerned with the struggle to obtain the 
partner of his choice, and takes advantage of the security of a 
Catholic marriage, his sworn pledge loses its meaning. For 
instance, a Catholic is obliged under pain of serious sin to 
attend Mass on Sundays and Holydays. It may happen that on 
occasions an outing of some sort had been planned on one of these 
days, and an early start is desirable. The Catholic insisted on 
first going to Mass, which gave rise to an argument. The brief 
delay caused by this fulfillment of the Commandment and 
obligation to God was made the reason for "running into heavy 
traffic" or any other inconvenience that occurred during the 
whole day. Or, the Catholic husband should say that he does not 
want breakfast early on a certain day because he intends to 
receive Holy Communion, and the non-Catholic wife decides that 
there will be "only one breakfast served in this house." If her 
husband wants breakfast he either takes it when it is served, or 
he does not eat breakfast that day at home. Multiplied over the 
course of years, such instances become not a little annoying and 
produce positive rancor and unhappiness. (A further discussion of 
the Church's attitude toward mixed marriage is to be found in 
Chapter VI, under the treatment of impediments.)

The best protection against a mixed marriage is to avoid keeping 
company with a person of a different religion. It is often 
difficult, sometimes too late, to break up after the couple has 
fallen in love. To prevent trouble, avoid the circumstances that 
cause it. Perhaps it will be objected that a mixed marriage is an 
opportunity to effect a conversion of a Protestant. This is true, 
but unfortunately experience has proven that the number of 
conversions which do take place occur quite often after the 
couple has lived together many years. Sometimes it is the 
occasion of a child's first Holy Communion that proves the 
inspiration, sometimes it does not happen until the silver 
jubilee, or even later. Therefore it is repeated, and with 
emphasis, that company keeping with people not of the same faith 
is one way to invite an unhappy marriage.


Clean of Heart

Two people who have discovered that they are in love want to do 
more than merely tell each other about it, they want to manifest 
it. This is natural. But demonstrations of affection must be held 
within the bounds of the moral law and the accepted standards of 
social propriety. True love tends towards union, a union of 
hearts, not necessarily of bodies, certainly not before marriage.

There are men who will attempt, even on the first date, to 
persuade a girl to yield to their sensual demands. There are 
girls who believe that the only way to attract and to hold a man 
is to allow him liberties and erotic pleasures which belong only 
to those who are married. Courtships based upon these ideas put 
love as a synonym for sex and cannot have an enduring value. A 
marriage that has its origins in such circumstances is 
practically certain to end in disappointments and disaster.

True love is something noble, dignified, precious. True love is 
something natural, but it is also very spiritual. If it seeks to 
unite two beings of opposite sex into one, if it seeks to bring 
together two intellects, two free wills into one life, it is 
because the Creator "made them male and female," and because the 
Second Person of the Blessed Trinity consecrated this union in 
the sacrament of Matrimony. The husband and wife who share such 
conjugal love will enjoy real, lasting happiness. On the other 
hand, the couple whose love is based solely on sexual attraction 
will know no other, no higher enjoyment, than the sensual, which 
is ephemeral and as changeable as the ocean tide.

"Blessed are the clean of heart for they shall see God" was the 
message of Christ on the Mount of the Beatitudes. He was speaking 
to all peoples of all ages. It was a doctrine not only for those 
of His time, but it was a universal principle, equally applicable 
to our own day, despite the current public disregard for the 
sacredness of marital love. The boy and girl who indulge in pre-
marital sexual relationships steal the joy of the honeymoon, 
weaken the affections because the emphasis is placed on the 
sensual, and lastly, invite suspicion and lack of mutual 
confidence in the faithfulness of each other after marriage.

It is not wrong to show affections by caresses and kisses, but 
when these reach the intensity that cause either the boy or the 
girl to become physically excited, then it is time to change the 
scene, time to have a smoke, time to quit. Of course, if the 
intention is wrong at the outset then it is definitely a sin. To 
continue demonstrating affections under these circumstances is to 
expose oneself to the deliberate occasion of sin, which is itself 
sinful because it is toying with the grace of God. It is setting 
the stage for sin and then hoping--maybe praying--that sin will 
not happen.


Temptation

Temptation is strong, passion is powerful, youthful love is 
grasping for union, but temperateness must guide the young couple 
in their courtship. This is not simply a negative thing, a policy 
of restraint, but a positive and creative virtue It is an 
essential quality of love because it sees the human body as the 
temple of the Holy Ghost, the sanctuary of God, and it treats 
that body with reverence. To do otherwise is to be irreverent to 
God.

Temperateness is one of the virtues that is acquired by diligent 
self-discipline, a continued chastising of the assertive cravings 
of the flesh. Hence, instead of being masters, enslaving the 
soul, these cravings become what God intended them to be, a part 
of the total, unified personality. The practice of this virtue, 
therefore, safeguards and perfects the life of the senses by 
steadfast restraint and by the development of a deep appreciation 
for the purpose and the position of man in the Divine economy. 
Since love is the total enchantment of being and identical with 
what is good and beautiful, it follows that true love is not 
possible without temperateness. Sensual indulgence is an isolated 
part of the expression of love, and, separated from the whole 
being, it is naturally selfish and destructive. One does not love 
less, but more, when the passions are ordered and controlled by 
reverence for the human body and a respect for the laws of the 
Creator. It is well to remember that boys who are permitted 
sensual liberties by girls frequently do not choose these same 
girls to be their wives and the mothers of their children. Boys 
will often take every advantage of such opportunities for 
pleasure, but when it comes to the permanent partner in life, 
they want to feel that they are taking a girl that has not been 
violated by another man. Restraint, therefore, in the days of 
courtship, may be well rewarded by happiness in marriage and an 
unquestioned confidence in each other's fidelity.

One of the best known means of helping to preserve purity during 
the days of courtship is to "double date," that is, for two or 
more couples to go out together. "There is safety in numbers" 
goes an old saying, and there is a great amount of wisdom in it. 
Certainly it is much easier to control one's emotions and to keep 
passions disciplined when others are present. Even if it is not 
possible for several couples to go out together, a good practice 
is for the boy and the girl not to seek isolated spots where 
opportunity for unbridled emotional display is possible. To stay 
out in the open, to keep in public view may be restraining, but 
it is good insurance against wrongdoing. This may sound like mid-
Victorian advice; nevertheless, it is still helpful in 
maintaining self-respect and purity in love.


The Ring

After the boy and girl have been keeping company for some time 
and have made the decision that they are meant for each other, 
the engagement is announced. Weeks may be spent in trying to 
choose the engagement ring. Perhaps the ring will be purchased on 
the installment plan (unknown to the girl); but whatever the 
circumstances it will be bought only after physical and economic 
sacrifice. All that the ring symbolizes, however, is sufficient 
compensation for every sacrifice involved.

Primarily the ring is a pledge of marriage and a sign of the bond 
which will bind them together for life. Made of gold, or some 
other precious metal, it portrays the value and the rarity of 
true love. The diamond reflects the interior joy of the engaged 
couple, while its crystal clearness is indicative of the purity 
that should animate their affections. The ring is a public 
proclamation that from this day forward the couple belong to each 
other, and the announcement of the wedding date is awaited.


Engagement

The period of engagement is a time of specialized study; it is 
the graduate work in the school of romance. Conflicts of opinion 
may be more apparent as the hidden qualities of personality are 
revealed and the willingness to adapt oneself to economic and 
social standards is made more evident. The capacity to build and 
to maintain a home is, at least, foreshadowed as they search for 
furniture and have long conversations about who will be invited 
to the wedding and who will be the attendants. This is the most 
crucial time of courtship because of the frequent occasions when 
they are alone for long periods planning the future, and the 
increased intimacy that comes as the day for the wedding gets 
closer. If ever there was a time for self-discipline, it is 
during the last few months of the engagement.

No new privileges are conferred by the announcement of the 
engagement, as so many like to believe. On the contrary, the 
nearer the wedding day approaches, the more should the engaged 
couple strive to remain pure in their affections. While the 
dangers are increased, there is also a greater opportunity to 
prove their individual fidelity to that which is right and to 
build an impregnable confidence in each other.

A much disputed question is "how long should the courtship last?" 
Every case is different and, consequently, it is difficult to 
give a specific answer. Certainly, courtships and engagements 
should not be drawn out. A year--at the most, two years--is 
considered a sufficient duration for an engagement. Ordinarily 
the young man and young woman should have found out in that 
length of time whether they are suited to each other. Of course, 
circumstances of emergency, family obligation, or financial 
difficulties may alter the individual case. But when a courtship 
is prolonged into five, seven, or even ten years, there is 
obviously a lack of intention to marry. Furthermore, protracted 
courtships are spiritually dangerous because, as the affection is 
increased, so also is the danger of sinning. With no possibility 
of getting married in the foreseeable future the idea of "going 
steady" should be abandoned.


With God's Help

Man cannot afford to forget his Creator, to ignore his complete 
dependence upon God. Moreover, the words of Christ have re-echoed 
down through the centuries: "Without Me you can do nothing." 
Certainly in such an important matter as choosing a partner for 
life, it seems that divine guidance should be sought. Our Blessed 
Lord prayed before selecting the Apostles, who were to be his 
companions for three years and then to continue His mission after 
His Ascension into Heaven. Was He not giving humans an example, 
pointing the way for man to seek enlightenment at the time of 
choosing a companion for life?

During the period of courtship, too, spiritual assistance is 
necessary to preserve purity in the young couple's relationships. 
"My Grace is sufficient for thee," is the assurance of Christ to 
St. Paul at the time of temptation. But with sexual impulses so 
strong and public vice so prevalent, is not grace needed in 
abundance to persist in love's ideal?

The prayers of the wedding ceremony invoke the divine blessing on 
the common life which is just beginning at the altar. A special 
blessing, given during the Nuptial Mass, asks that the union may 
be fruitful and that all the offspring may enjoy heavenly 
protection. After that common life has begun and the glamour of 
the honeymoon has worn away, there may be many occasions when the 
tranquillity of the household is threatened. It is then that a 
prayer to the Prince of Peace should be offered asking Him to 
restore domestic harmony. There may be other occasions when it 
will be consoling to turn to Him Who came in poverty, that we 
might know the riches of divine gifts, and beg for spiritual and 
material help in a time of economic crisis. It will always be 
inspiring to glance up at the Crucifix adorning the wall of every 
Catholic home, and see Divine Love with outstretched arms 
renewing for us the lesson that true love demands sacrifice.

The Catholic who looks upon marriage as a vocation with serious 
obligations and responsibilities will very early in the days of 
romance learn the necessity of turning to prayer and of putting 
trust in Him Who said: "Come to Me..." The road may be rough and 
the young couple may know dark days of trial, of want, of 
disappointment, but no matter how troublous the times may seem, 
courage will not be lacking, because their marriage was founded 
on true love. Husband and wife see in each other a mutual 
inspiration. even in difficulty, the calmness, the happiness, the 
security of a union "until death."


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What is meant by the expression: "Courtship is the novitiate 
to the married state?" 

2. What is the discovery era in courtship? 

3. Should parents be considered during courtship? 

4. Why should a couple look for compatibilities during courtship? 

5. What is true compatibility? 

6. Should a couple have identical tastes to be compatible? 

7. What about economic and social status? 

8. How important is religious compatibility? 

9. How can one avoid a mixed marriage? 

10. Does "being in love" grant moral liberties to a couple? 

11. Does being engaged allow greater moral liberties? 

12. Is true love noble? 

13. Why is temperateness important to true love? 

14. How long is the ideal engagement? 

15. Should a couple pray for guidance during courtship?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. How can Catholic boys and girls meet one another? 

2. Should date bureaus be run by schools and colleges? 

3. Should a couple when not yet going steady attend a lecture 
series such as this one? 

4. Is it advisable for a young man to spend a week-end with his 
fiance s family? 

5. With the possibility of another world war, what do you think 
of war-time marriages? 

6. If the young woman does not agree with her fiance on matters 
of politics, world conditions, etc., does this mean that the 
couple is not suited to each other?



III. GETTING INSPIRED

BY THE REVEREND JOHN F. O'NEIL, A.M.

The Reverend John F. O'Neil, is an assistant in the Cathedral of 
SS. Peter and Paul, Providence, R.I. He has been active in 
preparing young couples for marriage, not only in parish 
conferences, but also in conducting weekend retreats for engaged 
young ladies.

IN THIS third conference of our series on Courtship and Marriage, 
we propose to discuss the importance, in fact the necessity, of 
religious inspiration and motivation throughout any courtship 
that will be a proving-ground of real and enduring love, and 
during any marriage that is destined to be a permanent, happy 
union of husband and wife in Christian wedlock.

Our dictionary defines the word inspiration as "an awakening of 
thought and purpose by some specific external influence." And so, 
tonight, when we speak of the necessity of young people who find 
themselves called to the marital vocation "getting inspired," we 
mean precisely that they must be awakened to the practical 
application of their religious principles to everyday living, 
that they must be alerted in thought and purpose by active 
cooperation with the external influence of God's grace, from the 
first days of courtship down through the days and years of 
married life, if they are desirous of making their union in 
marriage permanently happy, successful, and secure. In our day, 
there is no work of zeal more important in the eyes of a priest, 
whether he be a college professor or engaged in the work of a 
parish, than to point the way to the sources of this inspiration 
to those who have sense enough to desire it.


Misinformation

Practice in yielding readily and without awkwardness to 
instinctive yearnings, both physical and emotional, is generally 
regarded by young people today to be the most important practical 
test of marital compatibility. The modern agencies of 
misinformation: the radio serial, the romantic novel, and the 
screen portrayals of idyllic love have so influenced the minds of 
our young people that at an early age, they become saturated with 
a type of living that is essentially different from the pattern 
found in nature and stamped with the seal of nature s God. 
Therefore, their preparation for the married life and their 
general concept of conjugal love are not essentially different 
from their cursory knowledge of the barnyard mating of domestic 
animals. This may be a crude manner of expression, but a nodding 
acquaintance with such studies as the Kinsey Report is ample 
evidence that it is a statement of fact. And while we are facing 
facts, let it be noted that in spite of the ever-expanding 
influences of Catholic Education, the departments of human living 
that may be designated as love-making and marriage, are 
considered by all too many of our young people out of bounds  and 
beyond the sphere of influence of moral principles and religious 
inspiration.


Vocation

That marriage is a sacrament of the New Law--one of the seven 
instituted by Christ--is a doctrine of Catholic Faith, an 
infallibly revealed truth. Two of the seven sacraments have the 
specific purpose of dedicating and consecrating baptized 
Catholics to a new and special kind of Christian living: the 
sacrament of Holy Orders, and the sacrament of Matrimony. Even 
the poorly informed Catholic has some notion of the lengthy 
preparation that is required and that is necessary for the 
reception of the sacrament of Holy Orders. Everyone knows too, 
that those who have taken up the life of a priest require and 
receive constant spiritual rejuvenation in order to maintain the 
ideals of that special kind of living.

Now a vocation to the married life and the reception of the 
sacrament of Matrimony appeals to a larger number of people 
because of their particular characters and temperaments, than 
does the vocation of the religious life. But the duties of this 
state of life, as decreed by God, are sometimes just as 
demanding, just as difficult of fulfillment as the duties of the 
priesthood. It is foolhardy to presume that these 
responsibilities can be undertaken and these duties fulfilled by 
the recipients of the sacrament of Matrimony, without a spiritual 
preparation and a frequently renewed consecration of ideals, at 
least comparable to those demanded of the recipient of the 
sacrament of Holy Orders.


Reminders

When civilization was essentially Christian, Holy Mother the 
Church did not find it necessary to stress formal preparation for 
the reception of the sacrament of Matrimony. Christians of former 
generations did not have to be reminded of the necessity of 
seeking God's abiding assistance constantly during their married 
life in order to secure a maximum of happiness and adjustment 
during the exercise of the marital vocation. But during the last 
fifty years, she has seen the minds of her children clouded with 
the fog of confused thinking on marriage, its nature and its 
purpose, and with alarm and solicitude, she has sounded a call to 
action. Pope Pius XI and our present Holy Father have written 
solemn, eloquent, and forceful appeals to Catholics throughout 
the world, emphasizing anew, the great dignity of the marital 
vocation and the necessity of restoring to married life the 
Christian principles that make of this vocation a means in itself 
for the salvation of souls. Throughout the world, these 
admonitions have been heeded. The Catholic Press has made the 
exposition of the principles of right living in Christian 
marriage its most popular subject; Christian Marriage has become 
the timely topic of the day. On the assumption that knowledge of 
principles is the first step in the restoration of all things in 
Christ, the Church is exerting every effort in popularizing every 
type of appealing treatise on the subject of the Christian 
marital vocation.

But education is only the first step, and by no means the most 
important step in bringing Catholics to recognize, in the 
practical routine of their everyday living, the implications of 
their delegation by the reception of the great sacrament to a 
special kind of Christian living. To know is not always to do, or 
to act. And this is precisely where inspiration becomes 
necessary. Conviction and purpose must be awakened and then 
translated into action. Minds must be illumined and hearts must 
be moved by the transforming power of God's abiding grace.

Priests who are engaged in the care of souls in Catholic parishes 
are moved almost to discouragement when they observe how many of 
their people who have the divine gift of Faith and who have been 
given all the advantages of a thorough Catholic education, and 
yet are permeated with the secular standards of married life, 
that are so conspicuously prevalent everywhere in America today. 
They see day by day, the remorse of conscience and the bitter 
mental torment visited upon those husbands and wives who have 
lost sight of the spiritual ideals of their marital vocation. 
From their pulpits, they preach these ideals frequently and 
forcefully, but their admonitions fall upon ears that are 
deafened by the engrossing predominance of the one secular norm 
of a happy marriage: self-seeking pleasure. Periodically missions 
are preached in the parishes during which more intensive attempts 
to inspire are made. But the results are not as effective or 
widespread or permanent as they should be.


Family Life Bureau

In 1931, shortly after the appearance of Pope Pius XI's 
encyclical "On Christian Marriage," the Family Life Bureau of the 
Social Action Department in the National Catholic Welfare 
Conference was established by the Bishops of the United States 
with the distinct purpose of spreading the doctrine of the Church 
as contained in the encyclical. Father Edgar Schmiedeler, O.S.B., 
Ph.D., then on the faculty of the Catholic University of America, 
was placed in charge of it and is still the director. As this 
revision goes to press the twentieth annual meeting of the 
National Catholic Conference on Family Life is meeting in 
Columbus, Ohio, with some three thousand delegates and members in 
attendance.

The work of the Conference, and of the Bureau which sponsors it, 
is concerned with education for family living, conducting family 
retreats in parishes, the appointment of the "Catholic Mother of 
the Year," and many other activities aimed at giving Catholics a 
deeper appreciation of their married vocation.


Cana Beginnings

More recent in origin is the Cana Conference. Not quite ten years 
ago, a Jesuit priest, Father John P. Delaney, inaugurated a 
movement in New York City called the Family Renewal Association. 
He conducted periodical retreats for husbands and wives which 
were immediately successful to a marked degree in solving 
marriage problems and in bringing to the lives of the 
participants, the inspiration so badly needed in the daily 
routine fulfillment of the marital vocation. Shortly afterwards, 
a similar movement began in Chicago which grew so rapidly that in 
1946 a full time Chaplain was appointed to take charge of 
coordinating such activities throughout the Archdiocese. A few 
months later, the movement began in St. Louis. The first retreat 
day for married couples was held there on October 15, 1944 under 
the direction of Rev. Edward Dowling, S.J. It was he who gave the 
name "Cana Conference" to the movement and it was largely due to 
his influence that the movement spread so rapidly throughout the 
country. In some form or other the Cana Conference Movement is 
now operating in about thirty dioceses of the United States.


Spiritualize Marriage

The Cana Conference bears some resemblance to a Retreat. It is a 
day set apart for recollection and discussion by married people 
for the purpose of spiritualizing the ordinary activities of 
family life and nourishing the corporate life of married people. 
The lectures are given outside of Church or Chapel and questions 
are invited and encouraged by the speaker. Husbands and wives sit 
side by side. Comfortable chairs are provided and the 
participants are permitted to smoke if they wish.

The Cana Conferences are essentially a Christian marital 
adjustment movement; they are an attempt to adjust modern couples 
to the Christian plan of marriage and family life as drawn by God 
in the natural law and transformed by Christ. Although the 
Conferences discuss the meaning of marriage and the problems of 
married life, emphasis is placed rather on the Christianizing of 
marital and parental attitudes than on the here-and-now solution 
of a particular problem of a particular married couple. The 
attempt is made to replace the secularist attitude towards 
marriage and the family with the Christian outlook in the belief 
that thus the root cause of much marital friction will be stunted 
and the obstacles to an even greater happiness be overcome.

From experience with the various groups, it has been found that 
the conferences are more effective when there are not less than 
fifteen and not more than twenty couples present. Such a small 
group has been found necessary to create the informality and 
intimacy of contact during the day of the conferences.


Cana Day

The typical Cana Conference Day opens with Mass and a Communion 
breakfast. Two talks are given in the morning followed by lunch. 
A third talk and a question-and-discussion period are held in the 
afternoon followed by Benediction of the most Blessed Sacrament 
and the renewal of the marriage vows.

It has been also found that the success of the Cana Movement is 
strictly dependent upon the couples themselves; the more actively 
they participate in the Conferences, the more lasting will be the 
effects and the more closely will they be tied in with the 
Movement. Moreover, its activity must proceed from the laity; the 
clergy provide only the necessary direction and encouragement.


Pre-Cana

In dioceses in which the Cana Movement has been popularized, Pre-
Cana Conferences have been encouraged and enthusiastically 
received. These Conferences are forums for the pre-engaged and 
engaged couples. Priests, doctors, and lay persons engaged in the 
work endorse it whole-heartedly.

The ideals of Christian Marriage must be re-taught to our young 
people in a manner that will captivate their minds and hearts to 
bring them to a realization that marriage is a vocation just as 
surely as is the priesthood and the religious life. Therefore, 
young people of sixteen years of age and up are invited to 
participate in the Pre-Cana Conferences. The forum is usually 
held one night a week for four weeks. The first talk is given by 
a priest; the second is by a physician who is also available for 
private consultation on questions that could not be broached 
publicly without embarrassment; the third talk is a combined 
discussion by a Catholic married couple; and the last talk is 
given by the priest. This arrangement solves the problem of 
questions that demand answers by a priest, and at the same time 
provides the priest with an opportunity to tie up all four 
sessions into one compact, complementary whole.


Marriage Inventory

While there are many successful methods of solving individual 
marital difficulties, the Cana Conference Movement is the only 
method thus far tried and found successful in removing the basic 
causes of unhappiness and maladjustment in marriage. Partners in 
Christian marriage are theoretically aware of the principles of 
right living in holy wedlock, but in our day, they are inclined 
to lose sight of the fact that the career of marriage is very 
much a spiritual life, a vocation to a particular way of sanctity 
and that married Catholics have no reason to seek outside of 
their chosen vocation any other means of achieving their 
supernatural destiny. To be a full life and a happy one, married 
life must draw constantly upon the sources of spiritual power and 
strength. It is a vocation and a spiritual endeavor of great 
importance, in which God has an intense interest, because through 
marriage, partners share in God's power of creation; as parents, 
they are instruments of His Divine Providence. They have also a 
share in Christ's work of teaching, ruling, and sanctifying.

In other words, Cana Conferences are one means of teaching 
Catholics to think habitually of marriage as one of the seven 
sacraments. Thus conceived, the life to which this sacrament 
delegates them will be characterized by reverence, dignity, and 
supernaturalized emotions everywhere along the line, from the 
first days of courtship to the end of life. Thus conceived, 
marriage is the genuine Catholic's way of coming to know, love 
and serve God, and thus being happy with all the happiness of 
God.


The St. Cloud Plan

Most recent and most outstanding is the pre-nuptial education 
program conducted in the diocese of St. Cloud, Minnesota, under 
the guidance and direct supervision of his Excellency, the Most 
Reverend Peter W. Bartholome, D.D., Bishop of St. Cloud, who is 
also the episcopal chairman of the Family Life Bureau. Engaged 
couples, and those expecting to be married within one year, are 
invited to participate in the course which is conducted during 
Lent each year. The fifteen lessons of the Ottawa Marriage 
Preparation Course entitled "This is a Great Sacrament" serve as 
a basis. In this sparsely settled diocese (the total population 
is little more than that of the city of Providence) more than 
1600 engaged couples have been thus prepared for marriage. A 
certificate, the design of which is reproduced at the head of 
this chapter, is given to the couple on the completion of their 
"novitiate" to marriage. The course is now being taken by 
correspondence in every State in the U. S., and in almost every 
foreign country of the world.

Marriage is more than a partnership; it is the fusion of two 
lives. And just as the carpenter must make accurate measurements 
and skillfully use the saw and chisel in joining two irregular 
surfaces, so must the partners to the marriage contract 
thoughtfully and deliberately measure their individual 
differences and use the saw and chisel of religious inspiration 
and self-discipline if they are to achieve the blissful union 
that is the basis of permanent marital happiness. God's help is 
always available to those of good will who cooperate with the 
supernatural graces that accompany the reception of the sacrament 
of Matrimony.


Happy Marriage

Happy marriages are not made in Heaven. They are made on earth by 
facing down-to-earth realities. They are made by partners who set 
out to learn slowly how to build their lives together. More than 
any other earthly vocation, married life is a labor of love and 
married love is a love of giving. It is within the reach of all 
those who do not reject God's Grace, deny His assistance, abandon 
His love, and degrade their own.

There are two philosophies therefore, that govern the success or 
failure of marriages; one is that philosophy by which married 
couples live their lives according to the rule: Is it fun? These 
people shun anything and everything that is difficult and dull. 
In the other attitude toward marriage, lives are regulated, rule: 
What is God's will?

Those who base their lives first of these principles will be 
inevitably unhappily married. But those who pattern their lives 
according to God's plan, will raise their marriage to the heights 
of the sublime and beautiful ideal that God intended it to be and 
will walk down the road of life together toward the celestial 
beatitude that is the fulfillment of that ideal: the perfect 
happiness that God never intended to be found in this life. They 
will bear in mind, day by day, that Christ came not to remove our 
crosses, but to help us bear them. And when storm clouds gather 
on the horizon of their lives together they will go together to 
the altar of God to seek and find that help.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What do you understand by the word "inspiration"? 

2. Show how the Catholic attitude toward Marriage is opposed to 
the attitude of worldlings. 

3. Why is preparation for the reception of the sacrament of 
Matrimony so important? 

4. Identify the following: Bishop Bartholome, Father Edgar 
Schmiedeler, Father John P. Delaney. 

5. What is the National Catholic Conference on Family Life? 

6. What was the Family Renewal Association? 

7. Who gave the name "Cana" to conferences for married couples? 

8. Is a Cana Conference a kind of Retreat? 

9. What is meant by Pre-Cana Conferences? 

10. What part do the laity play in a successful Cana Conference? 

11. Describe the "St. Cloud plan" of pre-nuptial instruction. 

12. Is the theme of the Catholic Family Movement spiritual or 
material?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. When young men and women have received a thoroughly Catholic 
education, are not Cana Conferences superfluous? 

2. Why cannot priests engaged in parish work accomplish the 
objectives of the Cana Movement in their pulpit discourses? 

3. Does not the Church teach that discussions of matters of sex 
should be confined to the confessional? 

4. How can a Cana Conference be organized on a parochial basis? 

5. How can irreverence and frivolity be effectively excluded from 
Cana discussions? 

6. Is there not a danger of scandal in admitting some young 
people to pre-Cana forums? 

7. How is the expense of the Cana Conference kept at a minimum?



IV. GETTING MEALS

BY MR. AND MRS. CHARLES F. REYNOLDS

Mr. and Mrs. Charles F. Reynolds were married in the Fall of 
1929, and are the parents of ten children. Mr. Reynolds is a 
former college athlete of renown, and a graduate of Providence 
College in the class of 1926. He is in business in Providence.

Introduction by Father Clark

IT IS appropriate that on this the Feast of St. Joseph we should 
have a married couple, representative of Catholic Family life, 
address this group which is preparing for marriage. In the recent 
past the public has been regaled with descriptions of large 
families, especially on the humorous side. The best sellers that 
have been made into movies have pointed up the funny side of 
family life. One needs a sense of humor, there is no question 
about it, especially to raise a large family. In presenting Mr. 
and Mrs. Reynolds, parents of ten children, we allege that they 
are qualified from their experience alone, even had they not 
stopped to think about the issue, to answer most of the questions 
you may care to ask on family living. While it seems true that 
most of the books and speeches on modern family living have come 
from "bachelor uncles," it does not mean that those who are 
living family life have nothing to add to this collection of 
wisdom.

This evening's program will vary in that the first part, instead 
of being in lecture form, will be after the manner of 
"Information Please," with your chairman asking the questions and 
our guests answering them.

FR. CLARK--Mr. Reynolds, as most Rhode Islanders and even most 
people in New England know, you got into the newspapers a long 
time ago by pitching the Providence College Friars to a victory 
in a 20-inning baseball game against Brown University. We are 
proud of you for that, of course. But I would like to ask if Mrs. 
Reynolds were in the stands cheering for you on that famous day?

MRS. REYNOLDS--NO, I didn't know Charlie at that time. He was 
already the famous boy when I met him.

Fr. C.--I understand that your married life didn't have too fancy 
a beginning because you were married on the day of the Stock 
Market Crash.

Mr. R.--That is true.

Fr. C.--Is it true that when you got back from your wedding trip 
you had no job?

Mr. R.--Oh, I had a job all right, but I didn't have very much 
money to start with.


Money

Fr. C.--Would you say that those who place a great deal of 
importance on money are getting off to a bad start?

Mr. R.--I read recently that a national survey attributed to 
money the main source of conflict in marriage. It wasn't a 
question of having too much or having too little; but how it was 
to be spent. I don't think a couple need everything their parents 
had before them. But they should have a little reserve and have 
their furniture and honeymoon paid for so that by the time they 
arrive back home they can start off on an even keel. It's nice to 
have some money in the bank, but I don't think it is entirely 
necessary. It wasn't in our case.

Fr. C.--Do you think that a couple ought to submit to a lower 
standard than move in with in-laws?

Mr. R.--You have to qualify the answer to that. In some cases it 
is a good thing to move in with in-laws. There are cases where it 
works out well. But ordinarily, two families under one roof do 
not work out well.


Budget

Fr. C.--What do you think of a budget for a young married couple? 
Do you think it is helpful?

Mrs. R.--Yes, I do. I think the couple should sit down together 
and work it out. Of course, even with a budget, unforeseen 
expenses come up and you just don't have enough to meet them. 
Some people place a lot of importance upon a budget, but many 
others work it in reverse: they spend whatever they have and keep 
account of where it goes. Instead of setting aside certain 
amounts, in particular departments, they spend all they have and 
keep tabs on what they have spent. Most people never have too 
much, and for that reason a planned budget will help to make what 
they have meet the necessities. Someone has said recently that 
the economic goods are to be divided into three classes: 
necessities, comforts, and luxuries. And that no couple should 
have the comforts until they have the necessities, and no 
luxuries until they have the comforts. I am sure that if people 
don't have the money to spend they will not get the luxuries even 
before they have the necessities. They must work it out together.

Fr. C.--What about household expenses? Do you think the couple 
should plan together, or do you think that this part of the 
management should be left entirely to the woman?

Mrs. R.--I think this is where the budget comes into its own. And 
it should be made out together. Make a list. Plan well for your 
light, heat, food, and other necessities, and allow a margin for 
doctor's bills. And then, of course, if you have a little bit 
left over you can tuck it away for a rainy day. You have just so 
much to live on, and you must stay within your means.

Fr. C.--Do you think that the husband should do all the shopping 
for the food and things of that sort?

Mr. R.~--Definitely not! I'll leave that to the good wife.

Mrs. R.--It depends on the size of the family when it comes to 
buying the food. Take mine, for instance. I buy my meats 
wholesale. I am sure most large families buy that way. With a 
small family, it is necessary to be more careful in buying food.

Fr. C.--Did you learn some of the tricks of marketing by being a 
member of a large family?

Mrs. R.--Yes, I did. I learned quite a bit from my mother because 
I watched her take care of a large family. Of course, I didn't 
know that I was going to have a large family, but I am very glad 
I kept my eyes open when I was at home.


Who's Boss?

Fr. C.--You said a moment ago that the married couple should work 
out things together. I wonder if that isn't the secret of success 
in married life in every department. The question might be stated 
in another way: Who is boss in your house, the husband or the 
wife?

Mrs. R.--There just isn't any boss in our house. We really work 
out things together. Everything is done on a partnership basis. I 
don't see any necessity for a boss in the home. I think that the 
husband and wife, the father and mother, should stick together 
and plan and work these things out together. That is really the 
way it should be done, I think. Where this partnership is 
concerned, one person is not a dictator with all the others 
taking orders.

Mr. R.--I subscribe entirely to that. It is the only way married 
life will succeed--each of the partners cooperating with the 
other.

Fr. C.--That gives rise to several other questions. I know that 
it is advised by some marriage guidance clinics that husbands and 
wives should take separate vacations.

Mrs. R.--That's out. I feel that people who want separate 
vacations should never get married. They are not prepared to take 
each other for better or for worse, in rainy days and sunny days.

Mr. R.--I think that the and wife should have a vacation. It is 
good for them to get away, but together. They married each other; 
they should stay with each other; they should enjoy each other 
and relax together on a vacation. But I certainly do not approve 
of separate vacations.

Fr. C.--What do you think of these people who get married with 
plans all laid so that the husband will have one night out each 
week to spend "with the boys?"

Mrs. R.--If he wants to be a drugstore cowboy, he should stay 
single. He couldn't be with you enough before you were married; 
why does he have to leave you alone afterwards?

Mr. R.--I think there is another angle to that question. There 
are times when a business man needs to go out and meet business 
associates. And I believe that it is not wrong for the wife to 
belong to a bridge club, or have some other outside interest.

Mrs. R.--Yes, I agree to all that, and we know we do those 
things. There is no reason why the husband can't take care of 
business and even belong to a fraternal he chooses; but just to 
hang around the corner and talk things over--there's no necessity 
for that. He could stay home and do the dishes, or some other 
chore around the house.

Fr. C.--Do you subscribe to that, Mr. Reynolds?

Mr. R.--I do, Father. There will be no difficulty between the 
husband and wife if there is understanding between them.


Working Wives

Fr. C.--Another question related to money--What do you think, 
Mrs. Reynolds, of the wife working to supplement the family 
income?

Mrs. R.--If it is absolutely necessary it is all right for the 
wife to work. But when there are small children to be cared for, 
the mother belongs in the home. The child needs the mother's care 
right from the beginning. But, I suppose, if they are near 
destitution, that is another thing. But leaving children in the 
care of others always poses a problem. It is not easy to find 
someone who is capable and otherwise qualified to care for your 
children while you go to work. And by the time you pay someone to 
care for the children, you are not much ahead by working. 
Certainly, I would say, the mother belongs in the home. Someone 
wrote just recently that the wife and mother staying at home 
could earn almost as much for the family, except in extraordinary 
cases where she is earning a big salary, as she would if she went 
to business. By staying home she would save on special lunches, 
and extra clothes, since she would not have to dress so 
expensively at home. In most cases, she would be better off to 
stay at home than to pay someone to take care of the home and 
children, unless she is a highly paid career woman. But the 
children would suffer even if she were highly paid.


Child? or Children?

Fr. C.--We know that a couple gets married because they are in 
love with each other and they say that they are very happy with 
each other. But how important to the happiness of marriage is the 
child? Do you think the couple will remain happy without 
children?

Mrs. R.--I think that children are very necessary in every home. 
I couldn't imagine living without children. It would be a very 
long, lonesome life. Of course, we have a lot of them, and we 
never have a dull moment; so I couldn't imagine not having a 
family.

Fr. C.--Mr. Reynolds, do you have anything to say on this 
question?

Mr. R.--I think Mrs. Reynolds has covered the question pretty 
well. But I might add that I believe that those who are not 
blessed with children of their own should adopt them if their 
situation is such that they could manage it. The child cements 
the relationship between the husband and wife and gives a reason 
for the home. Monsignor Sheen says that it takes three to make 
love--father, mother, and child. This is the perfect triangle, 
not the so-called eternal triangle of conflict; but rather the 
perfect triangle of completed love.

Fr. C.--Regarding this question of adoption, you hear people say 
that they don't know much about children who are up for adoption; 
there is often no information available about the parents, the 
child has gotten off to a bad start in life, and may have 
questionable heredity, etc.

Mr. R.--I think the same way as Father Flannagan of Boys Town. He 
said that there is no such thing as a bad boy, and to my way of 
thinking that goes for the girl too. If these children are 
adopted when they are small and guided through life carefully, 
they would help the foster parents to be very happy with them. No 
one knows what the future of any child will be. But with the 
proper care and guidance on the part of the parents the child 
will usually turn out all right. No one knows infallibly just how 
a child will grow up. Even though he may have the best of care 
and heredity, there is still that unpredictable thing called 
"human nature." Sometimes, children from the very best of 
families will turn out to be "bad eggs." I have never heard of a 
couple who have adopted a child who have not been blessed beyond 
the average. I once heard it said that it seems to be in the plan 
of Divine Providence that some married couples will go childless 
just so that the unfortunate children born out of wedlock will 
have a home with care and loving attention.


Homemaking

Fr. C.--Here is a question for Mrs. Reynolds. In these days when 
the High Schools are placing more emphasis on homemaking, do you 
think this should be left to the schools, or should the mother 
teach her daughters to cook and sew and other domestic arts?

Mrs. R.--In that department, the children can usually learn more 
from the mother. The schools do teach them a lot, but the mother 
should not leave it to them, but should teach them all she can. 
It helps both the daughter and the mother.


Dad, a Pal

Fr. C.--Here is one for the "father department." We have been 
told that parents should have their children while they are young 
and that they should "grow up" with their children. How can a 
father find time to grow up with his sons and daughters?

Mr. R.--I think he should make a pal of them. He should take the 
sons, and daughters too, for that matter, to sports events, and 
if he has time on week-ends he should play sports with them. All 
boys like sports, and if the father can spend the time with them 
he will easily make a pal of them. He should also be close to his 
daughters, so that his daughters will confide in him as well as 
in the mother. This helps to make a better future for the boy and 
girl. I feel that the father should spend all the spare time he 
has with his children. He owes it to his wife, too, to help care 
for the children as much as he can.


Discipline for Children

Fr. C.--What about the times when the children get fractious and 
need discipline.

Mr. R.--I believe in a system of rewards and punishments for the 
sake of discipline. When the children are in school, for 
instance, and they become delinquent in their studies, they 
should be deprived of privileges until their marks get back to 
normal. And around the house, if they are helpful they should be 
rewarded. It takes a lot of imagination to keep up with them, and 
in trying to keep up with them our pooled imagination still 
sometimes lags behind.

Mrs. R.--This is one time when the partnership between husband 
and wife is of extreme importance. They must present a united 
front to their children, and not give them the impression that 
they can "get by" with something on the mother, but not with the 
father. If the father corrects the child, the mother must support 
him, and vice versa.

Fr. C.--Our time has just about run out, and we have almost run 
the gamut. So we will have our brief intermission and continue 
with the question period.


QUESTION PERIOD

Question: How do you utilize your time during a typical day?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) They are all typical days, as far as I am 
concerned. But to begin at the beginning, I usually arise at 
7:15--during Lent it is earlier because I have been trying to get 
to the seven o'clock Mass every morning--and of course the first 
thing is breakfast for the children. After that I drive them to 
school and when I get back home I sit down and have my own 
breakfast. Then it is a day full of dishes, dry mops and dusting, 
and then I do the marketing. By then it's lunch time and they're 
home again and dishes again. If I have hurried in the morning and 
have the ironing done I may get down-town a while in the 
afternoon. If not, it's down with the ironing board and iron some 
more. Then they're home again and milling around wondering: 
"what's for dinner?" All they do is eat, it seems. But there are 
days when I manage to get out of the house for a few hours. It is 
usually a good long day in the home of a large family.


Question: Please give the ages and sex of your ten children.

Answer: (Mrs. R.) The names will help tell the story: Sally Ann--
19, Charles, Jr.--18, Lynn--17, Jim--16, Joe--15, Mike--13, 
Peter--12, Paul--11, J. Howard--10, and Jane--5.


Question: How many baby sitters does it take to handle ten 
children when you go out?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) Sally Ann and Lynn stay with them when we go 
out, and they can handle them pretty well.


Question: Which are harder to raise, boys or girls?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) In my case I would say that they are all alike. 
With so many boys the girls had to learn to take care of 
themselves. But I don't see much difference, except perhaps, the 
boys are inclined to be tougher. They would like to play football 
in the house if you let them.


Question: Do you have a maid or do you do your own house work?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) I had a maid for years, but she got married and 
I just decided that I wouldn't have one any more. You have more 
privacy. I like to have help on the heavy jobs of house-cleaning, 
but when I think of having a maid again I usually decide to do 
the work myself.


Question: If you spent a large sum of money on your daughter's 
college education would you expect her to work for a long time 
before she gets married? Do you think she owes it to her parents?

Answer: (Mr. R.) Certainly not! Children are not made for 
parents. It is the parents' duty to their children if they can 
afford it. It is true that a child can never repay what the 
parents have done for him. But there are too many parents who 
think that just because they gave things to their children at a 
sacrifice they should intrude on their children's welfare in 
order to get back penny for penny, what has been invested in 
them. That sort of thing would be very selfish on the part of 
parents.


Question: Do you think, assuming that a couple is going to live 
with in-laws, they have a better chance with her folks than with 
his folks?

Answer: (Mr. R.) As we said before, this works out well in some 
cases, especially where a parent is alone. But as a rule, it 
seems, when the couple lives with the wife's relatives it works 
out better.


Question: Approximately how much money does it take each week to 
support ten children?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) There is never enough!


Question: Do you think it is a good idea to patch up any quarrel 
that may have occurred before the end of the day?

Answer: (Mr. R.) I definitely do. We have had differences just as 
any married couple would. But before the day ended we sat down 
and talked it out to clear up any misunderstanding. When you 
analyze these arguments they usually don't mean a thing.


Question: What do you do when you get on each other's nerves?

Answer: (Mr. R.) It sometimes happens that one will have the 
nerves a little closer to the surface on one day than on another. 
But I think I have already answered that question by saying it 
all depends on an understanding between husband and wife.

(Mrs. R.) When the husband has had a hard day and is nervous and 
upset, the wife can usually tell what mood he is in as soon as he 
opens the door. Then the best thing for the wife to do (and the 
husband too) is to keep quiet and you won't get on his nerves.


Question: Should the husband help with the housework?

Answer: (Mr. R.) When we were first married, I used to help.

(Mrs. R.) I don't think it hurts the man to dry a few dishes now 
and then, especially on Sunday when he is hanging around the 
house.


Question: How old should a boy or girl be before they "go 
steady?"

Answer: (Mrs. R.) That rather puts me on the spot, but anyway, 
this is what I think: When I was a youngster we didn't think of 
going steady until we were older than the High School age. Today 
it seems that as soon as youngsters get into High School they 
have steady dates. They don't "play the field" as we did. That is 
too young, I think. They should meet different people and have 
many friends rather than restrict their attentions to one, alone. 
I am not opposed to boys and girls meeting socially, but it 
should be at parties in the home rather than on dates.


Question: Would you advise a couple to wait an extra six months 
before marrying so that the man can finish his college education 
and get a job to make sure they will have the necessities of 
life?

Answer: (Mr. R.) Since the war, we have men in college who are 
older, having gone through the war and are now being educated 
under the G. I. Bill of Rights. Some of these are married. In my 
time in college such a thing was not tolerated. You were expelled 
if you got married. But now, the number of Veterans returning to 
college is diminishing and soon that problem will not exist. But 
I think it is all right for a man to get married while he is in 
college as long as he recognizes the problems that he will have 
to face, and as long as the wife is willing to face them with 
him. They will have difficulties, but both must work together and 
understand each other to make a success of their marriage under 
such circumstances. Our experience has been that each time God 
blessed us with a child a new opportunity presented itself to me, 
and I was fortunate in that each child seemed to bring something 
new by way of help to take care of him. I think that the Lord 
will provide for anyone with a large family, providing, of 
course, he uses a little energy of his own. It is true that some 
large families are in financial distress, but it is not usually 
because of the large number of children, but some other 
circumstances, such as sickness, unemployment, poor management, 
or some other condition.


Question: How can you get along with in-laws?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) It is true that you cannot avoid in-laws. But 
their reasonable opinion is to be respected. If their opinion is 
prejudiced and they seem unreasonable, then they can be ignored. 
In-laws, with their advantage of age, which usually brings 
prudent judgment, should be consulted on serious problems. They 
have already gone through most of the problems the young couple 
is just now facing. Their seasoned judgment usually can help. But 
if it is prejudiced and unreasonable, ignore it!


Question: Would a person coming from a large family find 
happiness by marrying an only child?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) It would seem to me that if both parties came 
from large families they would have a similar background, and 
therefore be better able to understand each other. But it is not 
impossible for an only child to find happiness in marriage with 
one from a large family. The trouble is that the only child may 
be selfish, and there just isn't room for selfishness in 
marriage. One thing in the only child's favor is that he has been 
so alone, he might be inclined to make up for that in marriage 
and have a large family as a result.


Question: Should the husband hand over his entire pay to his 
wife?

Answer: (Mr. R.) That goes back to the question of the budget, 
and that should be worked out together with care and patient 
understanding. The husband is the breadwinner, but he is not 
making the money so that he can have it, but so that the family 
can have it. Just because he works for wages or for a salary 
doesn't give him a right to spend it on himself.


Question: Would it be more Catholic to have eight or ten children 
looking "the worse for want of clothing and food" than to have 
three or four children and give them the good things of life?

Answer: (Mr. R.) God takes care of those things; you cannot 
control them. If God blesses you with children, He will give you 
the means to see that they are properly brought up. They may not 
have all of the luxuries of life, but in the end they will be 
good Christian children and good American citizens.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. Is it necessary to have a bank account to get married? 

2. What is a budget? 

3. Who should plan the budget, husband or wife? 

4. Is it necessary that one of the married partners be "boss"? 

5. Should the husband have one night out a week with "the boys"? 

6. Is it good for the mother to work outside the home? 

7. How important to the happiness of marriage is the child? 

8. Should a childless couple adopt a child? 

9. Who said "There's no such thing as a bad boy"? 

10. What do you mean by the expression "the father should grow up 
with the children"? 

11. Should children be punished and/or rewarded for the sake of 
discipline? 

12. Is it important for parents to be firm with their children 
where discipline is concerned?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. Can persons expect happiness when they marry for money? 

2. Is it true that "when poverty comes in the door, love flies 
out the window?" 

3. How important is it for men and women to recognize the 
psychological differences between them? 

4. How important is it for the parties in marriage to remember 
anniversaries, birthdays, etc.? 

5. Should the wife take an interest in her husband's business? 

6. Is it good for either father or mother to have a favorite 
child? 

7. What do you think is a minimum salary requirement for a family 
with three or four children?



V. Getting the Facts

BY A CATHOLIC PHYSICIAN

The "Catholic Physician," who is author of the following paper, 
prefers to remain anonymous because it is in keeping with medical 
ethics and also for personal reasons. It is sufficient to say 
that he is a product of Catholic education and an obstetrician of 
wide experience.

I SPEAK tonight as a Catholic doctor under the auspices of a 
Catholic college on the subject of Catholic marriage to Catholic 
students and their friends. Among the friends must be members of 
other faiths. To them I say that I'll not talk a word of 
controversy. Agree that humans have spirituality, and a believing 
person of any faith does, and you'll like what I say tonight. So 
open your hearts and listen.

Being a public speaker neither by inclination nor training, I 
approach this lecture tonight with true humility and not a little 
trepidation. I wrote most of this talk during the Novena of 
Grace. My prayer was that the Holy Spirit would touch my mind and 
help me to accomplish the perfection demanded for this occasion. 
My prayer tonight is that He touch my mind and my lips, and your 
ears and your minds, that in so involved a subject as marriage, I 
may say what is right and you may rightly interpret what I say. 
Let this be our special invocation.

When you talk on sex and marriage, you are certain to touch on 
many physiologic facts that have moral ramifications. However, 
I'm no moralist and I'm not talking morals here tonight.

I will outline the social and biologic background of modern 
secular marriage, then bring out the pertinent anatomy, 
physiology, and psychology of the sexes. Lastly we will tie the 
loose ends together in a discussion of the psychosomatics of 
marriage--a relatively new term by which medical science at least 
is again admitting that man has spirituality as well as a 
physical nature. Medicine was deeply secularized. But physicians 
have been the first scientists to admit their error. You can 
secularize biology and speak of man and guinea pigs in the same 
breath, but a doctor cannot cure a man of a disease by treating 
him like a laboratory animal. So now we have the psychosomatics 
of all disease entities, the effect of the disease on the total 
man--body and soul. Now marriage is diseased today--with a 
frightening mortality rate of 25% in 1946. I know of few diseases 
with a higher mortality rate. Secularized, godless marriage is a 
major disease of society. And the cure is going to be found along 
spiritual lines. Medicine today is stressing psychosomatics. It 
can't otherwise cure human beings. And when our social scientists 
give man's spirituality the dominant place it deserves in 
marriage and all human relations then marriage and this socially 
sick world of ours will be cured of its worst ills.


"Modern" Marriage

Until recently Catholic marriage presented no great problems. Why 
does it present problems today? Largely, because our society has 
been changing during the first half of this century, at an almost 
cataclysmic rate. The institution of marriage, the cornerstone of 
any society, has been caught in these changes. Catholic marriage 
has held rigidly to its traditional norms and customs. Too much 
of the rest of society has accepted a new marriage--"modern 
marriage." The danger today is that too many Catholics, accusing 
the Church of being old-fashioned and out of touch with the 
times, are accepting modern marriage as the real thing.

Modern secular marriage is relatively new. Like so many things in 
our culture, it found its seed in the great mass of new, 
materialistic, scientific knowledge brought forth in the last 
half of the Nineteenth Century, that reduced man from his 
traditional role as a son of God, to that of a brother of the 
animals. The Freudian concept of sexuality took root here and in 
turn it affected man's concept of marriage as did nothing since 
the new force of Christianity centuries earlier. Modern marriage 
was nourished by the new secularism that took God, paradoxically 
enough, even out of religion; and also out of education, and all 
of life. It grew with the new-found, highly developed 
individualism with its corresponding weakening of social 
controls.

Urbanization, the mass migration to the cities, and its 
concomitant industrialization, provided further rich soil to 
strengthen it. It moved millions of mothers from the home to the 
factory, attending machines instead of children. It made the 
child, who for centuries had been a help on the farm, at first a 
less useful tool of industry and then with the enactment of child 
labor laws, an outright economic burden. Urbanization brought 
prenatal and well-baby clinics and hospitalization for safe 
delivery and thus the cost of bearing and rearing children was 
multiplied. More and more unwanted, they in turn became 
neglected. Here entered the crusading Birth Controllers. It is 
only charitable to say that almost without exception they were 
misguided, untrained, shallow-thinking zealots who attempted 
radically to eliminate effects rather than patiently reshape 
causes. They accomplished little in reducing the number of 
children, but they did succeed in prostituting man's conception 
of the marriage act, and effectively persuaded the unthinking 
millions and the selfish few that children were to be accepted as 
a burden once or twice and after that only in so far as Nature 
could not be controlled.

And lastly, universal modern education with its emphasis on 
freedom of expression without any reasonable restraints or 
discipline, helped modern marriage to reach finally and quickly, 
large numbers and to take a central place in the landscape of the 
new society, leaving the old, traditional Christian marriage in 
its shade.


A Hybrid

Modern Marriage, then, has come into being as an off-shoot of all 
these new forces. It is presented now as a hybrid with 
deceptively little trace of the original seed. But remember, it 
took seed in naturalism, materialism, and atheism. If it ran true 
to stock it would today teach that marriage is but the union of a 
male and female animal, solely to perpetuate life and the 
species. Generation, it would say, a blind compulsive force, is 
the fist commandment of nature. Motherly love, also blind and 
compulsive, is the second commandment. Love is but a powerful 
instinct. Insects, as well as man and woman, make love. And above 
all, man admits of no spirituality any more than the rest of 
nature. Now some scientists teach those things today. At the 
human level they logically teach free love before marriage and 
concubinage in marriage, thus combining the social advantages of 
monogamy for the children with cohabitation for the male, which 
they consider proper to his nature. Easy divorce settles the few 
difficulties that could arise in such a so-called natural free 
society. That is what the naturalistic philosophers teach to be 
marriage. And give them credit at least for consistency. But they 
were so consistent that the common ordinary thinking man sensed 
their inhumanity and rejected them. Man will stand for human love 
being called the same thing as the force that brings two love 
birds together cooing at each other on the branch of a blossoming 
tree. That is beautiful. That could be love, all right. But, 
these philosophers are not satisfied to stop there. They debate 
whether man's ability to paint represents as high a development 
of the color sense as that displayed by certain species of birds. 
To the ordinary man, that doesn't make sense. Then the cold 
rascals come up with a real shocker. For instance--and I take 
this from one of their writings--they describe the beautiful love 
of two vultures mating in the carcass of a dead horse. That 
chills the ordinary man. That, he is somehow sure, is false. That 
is not beautiful. That is not love. But the philosophers who have 
given us the hybrid that is passed off as modern marriage, steer 
away from these too consistent naturalists. They tell us a little 
bit of pre-marital sex experience is desirable if it is done 
intelligently enough to avoid pregnancy. A little philandering in 
marriage is in keeping with man's polygamous nature and is to be 
accepted and winked at. We must have contraception and easy 
divorce if man is to enjoy the full freedom of action that is his 
right. All these new ideas might trouble man's conscience, pardon 
me, his sub-conscious, so they do away with a personal God and 
substitute a vague notion of humanity.


"But, There is a God"

That is the inseparable social and biologic background of modern 
marriage. Now, either there is no God, man is just an animal, the 
mating of the vultures is love, and the materialists are right; 
or God exists, man has a spiritual as well as a physical nature 
and marriage is the union of two immortal beings bound forever by 
a powerful, beautiful, spiritual force--love. The principles 
underlying the two philosophies are totally incompatible--an 
attempt to mix them in any proportion flies against reason. The 
more materialism is mixed into a philosophy of marriage, the 
surer are its vow-takers to end up unhappy and in failure. And 
remember--this is basic--in any discussion of marriage, at the 
extremes you embrace the philosophy of Catholic marriage or the 
vultures.


Heredity

A man and a woman on the threshold of marriage have certain 
spiritual, physical, psychological, and emotional resources that 
are more or less manifest. From them we can predict the success 
or failure of a marriage with some accuracy. They are the 
important things. A very minor consideration are the hereditary 
resources of the couple. Some of this is manifest; most is masked 
in hidden assets and liabilities. Most present here tonight, I 
know, have a working knowledge of genetics; for those who do not, 
let us recall a few basic facts. There is no family tree that 
does not have some undesirable skeleton in the closet--insanity, 
epilepsy, diabetes, some malformation or other, to name but a 
few. The important thing to remember is that there is no family 
tree, now perhaps millions of years old, that has not some 
undesirable branches. The undesirable branch of your tree might 
not show in this generation, but may in the next or the next. Any 
family tree will be weak in some things, strong in others. But 
except for very rare instances, one family can look another in 
the eye and rightly say: "We are no better than you are, but 
we'll be darned if we're not as good." Fortunately, most 
undesirable characteristics and diseases arise from genes that 
are recessive and tend to be weeded out. A recessive, such as a 
tendency to schizophrenia, can never show in an offspring unless 
it is present in the family trees of both parents. Even then it 
is extremely rare. Related family trees are apt to have the same 
undesirable recessive, and that is why marriages are forbidden 
within the third degree of kindred.

Another principle to remember is that acquired characteristics 
are not hereditary--lameness from Polio, for example. That is an 
acquired characteristic and never hereditary. There are diseases 
which are inherited from genes that are dominant--creeping 
paralysis is one. These dominant, lethal genes are rare. If a 
person did not have such an inherited disease, but a parent did, 
the chances of transmitting it would be nil. When we leave 
characteristics and begin to talk about hereditary traits and 
tendencies, we find that these are even more difficult to assay 
and predict. When all is said on the subject of heredity and 
marriage, there are four worthwhile rules to remember. One:--Take 
a look at the family tree of the person you are courting, the 
mother, the father, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles and you 
can get a pretty good idea, whether from it will come little 
acorns, or little chestnuts, or what is more important, little 
screwballs. Two:--If you have any fears about heredity, have them 
settled by a competent authority before marriage. Three: choose a 
partner who epitomizes "sana mens in sano corpore"--a sound mind 
in a sound body--and let the devil worry about hidden undesirable 
characteristics. Four:--Remember that at the time of conception 
the genes of the two partners are shaken up much like a pair of 
dice. When you are married and are hoping for a child, it is wise 
to ask God to stack the dice in favor of that little person to be 
conceived. If He will, there is nothing to worry about, because 
there is no undesirable dominant characteristic that is inherited 
in a proportion higher than one in two, and with God watching 
over the dice, as it were, you can always get the child of your 
dreams and miss little "snake eyes." So much for heredity.

We will turn now to the anatomy, physiology, and psychology of 
the sexes. A basic knowledge of all three is necessary for a man 
and woman to understand and love each other.


Anatomy of Sex

Bookshelves are filled with treatises on marriage, all with the 
anatomy of sex adequately and usually profusely illustrated. It 
is a good idea to take such a book along on one's wedding trip. 
Before that time we have to strike a balance between innocence 
and a knowledge of sex anatomy which is essential to a knowledge 
of the physiology of sex. A minimum background knowledge of 
anatomy then seems desirable and necessary. It can be presented 
briefly using symbols and employing a comparative technic, that 
could spoil the innocence or offend the sensibilities of no one 
mature enough to attend these lectures.

When the embryo is about two months old, the two sexes are 
indistinguishable both externally and internally. Using symbols 
to illustrate, the picture is this:

{Graphics cannot be displayed in ASCII text.}

Each circle is an undifferentiated internal sex gland, later to 
be an ovary or testis. There are two duct systems in every 
embryo, the broken line the male, the solid line the female. The 
square and the rectangles represent the undifferentiated external 
genitalia. If things develop completely and it is very 
exceptional if they do not, the rectangles representing the 
genital folds receive the male sex gland when it descends. The 
female internal sex gland descends only as far as the pelvis and 
remains an internal organ. The genital tubercle represented by 
the square becomes the erectile tissue of either sex. The male 
duct system develops into narrow tubes to transmit the male sex 
cells, the spermatozoa. The female duct system develops into the 
tubes to transmit the female sex cell, the ovum; the uterus, to 
nourish and house the fertilized ovum; and the vagina, the 
external passage to allow the developed products of conception to 
reach the outside world. The extra duct system of either embryo 
degenerates and disappears.

The sexes in their origins then are completely alike. In all 
respects other than the organs of generation, male and female are 
very similar anatomically, but in every respect the male organ, 
say the heart, is bigger and stronger than the female indicating, 
right at the start, that, the feminists to the contrary, God did 
not create the sexes equal. Over and over again we will see that 
as we go along. Male and female are seldom equal, but they do not 
compete with each other; they complement each other. Anatomically 
speaking, God obviously meant man and woman to come together in 
marital union and complete their otherwise incomplete natures. 
There is no reason for a male genital apparatus to produce and 
transmit the male sex cells, spermatozoa, if there were no female 
sex apparatus to receive and unite with and develop the seed. And 
likewise, the female sex apparatus is unintelligible without the 
male component. That is all you need to know about the anatomy of 
sex to understand intelligently God's design, which is even more 
interestingly revealed by a brief study of the physiology of the 
sexes.


Requirements for Marriage

Before leaving the anatomy, let us say a word about the minimal 
physical and mental requirements for marriage. A person must be 
able physically to perform the sex union or if not, marriage is 
impossible. If there is a development anomally the time to 
discover it is before marriage. Surgery can correct most defects. 
If it cannot, and the marriage has taken place, there may be the 
embarrassment of an annulment. This has happened; so it can 
happen. There are less serious deficiencies that have to be 
individually appraised. For instance, should a person marry who 
has been hospitalized more than once for a major mental illness? 
Is it wise for a woman to marry who knows that she has a fatal 
form of hypertension, likely to be aggravated by pregnancy? Any 
serious disease should be revealed and appraised before marriage, 
its risks known and accepted by both partners. "A sound mind in a 
sound body" is one of the foundation stones of a happy marriage.


Physiology of Sex

Now we will take up the physiology of sex. The physiology of the 
female is much more complicated than that of the male, because 
while the marriage act ends with the physical union for the 
latter, for the female it may activate a gestation period of nine 
months. To take up the male physiology first:--The internal sex 
organ, the testis, from puberty on, is continually forming 
millions of motile cells--the spermatozoa, microscopic cells with 
a head, and a tail for locomotion. These sperms are capable of 
uniting with the female sex cell, the ovum or egg, in what is 
called fertilization. Actually only one does. Millions are formed 
apparently so that surely one will reach the female sex cell. 
This is not a perfect explanation because a lot less than two 
hundred to four hundred million, the actual number deposited at 
sex union, would guarantee that one would reach the ovum. Only 
recently it has been discovered that the others, previously 
thought wasted, secrete a substance which dissolves a resistant 
membrane around the ovum, enabling one sperm to unite with it. To 
this point there is an attraction between the male and female sex 
cells much like the attraction between the negative and positive 
sides of an electric circuit. Once contact is made between the 
ovum and sperm, the attraction is neutralized, the circuit is 
closed as it were, and there is no further attraction.


The Man

Sperm production is continuous. Differing with the individual, 
when large numbers are manufactured and stored, there is a sex 
tension set up, the intensity of which varies according to the 
individual. Mental activity seems to mitigate the sex drive and 
lessen fertility in the male. To control the sex drive is no 
problem whatever in the life of a normal man. Many husbands sell 
their wives the idea that it is, and begin talking about rights 
and duties. There are physiologic outlets for the physical 
component and the psychic tensions can be sublimated and thus 
channeled into other activities. That is normal human male sex 
physiology. A man who is a sex addict, who centers his very 
existence around sexuality, will find any reasonable continence 
in or out of marriage a source of psychical and physical 
discomfort. The morphine addict does too when he is deprived of 
his drug. One is as pathologic as the other. All this is said to 
refute the idea that continence is harmful in the male in or out 
of marriage. In a sex addict it is. But not in a normal man and 
that is one of the first principles of married sex life. For 
years some professors of science in a few of our secular colleges 
have been teaching that continence is harmful. This view has 
gradually reached large numbers of men at lower educational 
levels with harmful sociological repercussions. Far from being 
harmful, continence is natural in courtship. In marriage, linked 
with a spirit of sacrifice, it is not a cold, negative thing, but 
a virtue that can fire married love.

Here let us pause to recognize that it will be an uncommon 
marriage in which at some time husband and wife do not think 
there is reason to postpone conception. They should then bring 
their individual personal problem to the moralist--preferably in 
the rectory rather than in the confessional. Let them tell him 
what the family doctor or the wife's doctor or the husband's 
doctor has said or tell him their sociologic or other problem, 
and if he agrees that they have a reason to postpone conception, 
then they know, not just think, they have a reason to postpone 
conception. Then they are faced with a problem involving their 
total natures, separate and as joined in marriage. Its solution 
must logically be along broad lines; continence, periodic or 
total, will obviously be a part of it. That will usually be more 
of a burden to the husband than the wife. Then they must 
sublimate their sex drives. Here we look to the developing Cana 
Movement to help couples accomplish this. We must teach them that 
marriage is more than opening the door to sexual union. We must 
stress the need to develop its full physical potentialities. For 
instance, in sports enjoyed together, there aren't enough mixed 
foursomes on our golf courses, mixed doubles on our tennis 
courts. Too few couples dance together after marriage or bother 
to keep up with the new steps. We must impress on them that their 
marriage can be psychologically richer, fuller, and happier by 
learning to enjoy good music, literature, and the other arts 
together. Spiritually, they must be impressed again and again 
with the necessity of continually seeking the miracle of Grace. 
It would seem that when postponement of conception is necessary, 
continence for short or prolonged intervals is going to be a much 
more important part of marriage in our generation. And continence 
is a virtue. Because the sex drive is stronger in the male, the 
burden of continence will have to be shouldered a bit more by our 
Catholic men than by the women. Up to now, in all, but especially 
in the spiritual and psychological spheres, many of the most 
precious, deepest, and best well-springs of happiness in Catholic 
marriage have been stumbled upon by too few of our Catholic 
couples. The Cana Movement must show more of them the road to 
these well-springs.


The Woman

And now to the physiology of woman. Beginning at puberty, new 
secretions of the pituitary gland come into action and act on the 
ovaries stimulating them to periodic activity. The ovary is the 
center of things--more specifically, an egg follicle that begins 
to grow. It takes roughly fourteen days for the egg to grow and 
be discharged from the ovary. This is called ovulation. As the 
microscopic egg develops, it becomes surrounded by a cavity 
filled with fluid. When the egg is discharged, a rent about the 
size of a hazelnut is left in the ovary and this is filled with a 
yellow substance. In about fourteen more days the rent is 
completely healed. Both the fluid present about the egg during 
the first fourteen days and the yellow substance that closes the 
rent over during the second fourteen days are active chemicals, 
and they act upon the uterus in succession to cause a thickened 
membrane to line its cavity. This membrane receives and nourishes 
the fertilized egg if conception occurs at the mid-point of the 
cycle, namely, at ovulation. If conception does not occur at the 
time of ovulation, the yellow substance peters out at the twenty-
eighth day; the nourishing force of the membrane of the uterus 
entire