THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK


Reverend George A. Kelly


Foreword by FRANCIS CARDINAL SPELLMAN
Archbishop of New York


Copyright, 1959, by Random House, Inc.


Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 59-10826


NIHIL OBSTAT: John A. Goodwine, J.C.D., Censor Librorum

IMPRIMATUR: Francis Cardinal Spellman, Archbishop of New York

The nihil obstat and imprimatur are official declarations that a book 
or pamphlet is free of doctrinal or moral error. No implication is 
contained therein that those who have granted the nihil obstat and 
imprimatur agree with the contents, opinions or statements expressed.

August 22, 1959



                    This book is a memorial
                    to eleven wonderful and
                         happy years in
               Saint Monica's Parish, New York City,
                         and to people
                    I will always cherish with
                         fond affection.



ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many good people have made the writing of this book a pleasure and have 
contributed much to the finished product. Our Regional Family Life 
Directors in New York have organized the family apostolate from which 
has been drawn some of the viewpoints and experiences recorded herein. 
The writer wishes publicly to acknowledge the work of the Reverends 
John Mulroy, James Keating, William Shelley, William McManus, John 
Hawes, John Hynes, John Scanlon, and Raymond Hill, and to thank them 
for their enthusiastic support and co-operation. The important part 
played by Dr. Bernard Pisani, in the success of "The Catholic Marriage 
Manual," both as friend and collaborator, is belatedly recognized. To 
John Springer is owed a special debt of gratitude. Mr. Springer was a 
constant source of help in assisting the author finish this work. His 
time, intelligence, and energy were always at my disposal. I am 
sincerely appreciative of his unselfishness and that of Paul Lapolla of 
Random House, whose personal concern and criticism helped us progress. 
Last and certainly not least, the author wishes to thank his 
Archbishop, Francis Cardinal Spellman, not only for the Foreword to the 
book, which sums up so well its purpose and spirit, but also for his 
interest and encouragement during the year of writing.



CONTENTS


FOREWORD
By His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman, Archbishop of New York


Chapter One: YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY

The purpose of this book--to strengthen your family life . . . Avoiding 
modern pressures against family life . . . Parents are partners with 
God in a sacred vocation . . . True Christian home as a church, school 
and recreation center in one . . . The example of the Holy Family . . . 
How can you teach your child to know God? . . . You will find your 
greatest joy in your children.


Chapter Two: YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

Church and social scientists agree on characteristics of a happy family 
. . . Parents agree that home and children come first . . . Father and 
mother are equals--Father the head, mother the heart . . . The 
importance of clear-cut family rules . . . Everybody should work 
together . . . Advantages and disadvantages of the large family . . . 
How children help and teach each other . . . Considerations for parents 
of small families . . . How to help an "only child" make a good 
adjustment . . . Four basic traits that make a good father . . . Why a 
mother is the most important person her child ever knows . . . "Don'ts" 
for mothers.


Chapter Three: YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

Your child's need for security which only you can give . . . Ways to 
build his self-confidence . . . Recognize your child's own native 
talents and capabilities and accept him for what he is . . . 
"Understanding" is not enough; you must also give him direction . . . 
How to earn respect for your authority . . . Authority thrives on use . 
. . How to instill obedience without being a dictator . . . Forming 
good habits of work, study and play . . . The art of self-denial: Why 
your child must learn to say "no" to impulses . . . Five principles to 
help you discipline your child effectively.


Chapter Four: YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

Teaching your child about God . . . How to use stories, prayers and 
pictures effectively . . . Developing his conscience . . . Early sex 
experimentation and what to do about it . . . Lying and stealing . . . 
What about "dirty words"? . . . How children learn them . . . Don't 
stress sin too much or use religion as a weapon . . . The right 
attitudes on confession . . . Don't be too scrupulous! . . . When 
children doubt religious truths . . . Church teachings will withstand 
investigation . . . Masturbation and homosexuality.


Chapter Five: WHY SEND YOUR CHILD TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS?

You have the first responsibility of deciding how to educate your child 
. . . Why we have parochial schools . . . How school may influence your 
child's attitudes for life . . . Moral teaching should hold first place 
in the classroom . . . Answers to objections by parents who choose non-
sectarian schools . . . Is public school education really superior? . . 
. Graduates of Catholic schools are their most ardent supporters . . . 
The case for Catholic higher education . . . Responsibilities of 
parents with children in public schools . . . Newman Clubs . . . Co-
operating with your child's teacher . . . Don't nag your child to the 
limit on his school work . . . Six ways to help your youngster prepare 
for college . . . Let him earn his own way--at least partially . . . 
School costs vs. "school palaces"--why Catholics should be interested 
in the controversy.


Chapter Six: HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEX

Conflicting advice about sex education confuses parents . . . Five 
basic principles which should be followed in teaching about sex . . . 
What parents may do when they "can't talk about sex" . . . How your 
child first learns about sex . . . The relationship between bowel 
training and sex attitudes . . . How to answer your child's questions . 
. . A timetable for sex education, year by year . . . Overcoming 
"street corner" knowledge . . . Preparing your boy or girl for puberty 
. . . The different natures of the sexes . . . Ignorance about life is 
not innocence.


Chapter Seven: WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CAN DO TO YOUR CHILD

Influences outside the home, Church and school can harm or help . . . 
Counteracting the steady sex stimulation to which children are exposed 
. . . Separating the good from the bad in television, movies, radio 
programs, books and magazines . . . How you can make your influence 
felt . . . Pornography on the newsstands . . . Cultivating wholesome 
tastes . . . The importance of good companions . . . Criticizing your 
child's friends may have an effect opposite to that intended . . . 
Community recreation centers, teen-age canteens, etc. . . . Don't be a 
stern policeman over your child's tastes!


Chapter Eight: THE CHILD WHO IS "EXCEPTIONAL"

One child in ten is unlike others in some important way . . . Mental 
retardation--causes, detection, treatment and training . . . Facts on 
cerebral palsy, epilepsy, physical defects which restrict movement, 
neurosis, exceptional difficulties in seeing, speaking or hearing, etc. 
. . . How parents can aid the exceptional child . . . Pity seldom helps 
. . . Emotional problems of exceptional children . . . How to prevent 
overdependence and rebellion . . . Brothers and sisters of an 
exceptional child may also need special attention . . . The adopted 
child . . . What should he be told? . . . How to handle a "genius" . . 
. Signs of a gifted child . . . Most bright children lead happy lives.


Chapter Nine: WHEN ONE PARENT MUST BE FATHER AND MOTHER

A child without a mother or father needs more security than the average 
youngster . . . Parents can be "psychological deserters" . . . How a 
child may react when one of his parents dies . . . A child needs to 
retain faith in his missing parent . . . How a "substitute father" or 
"substitute mother" can help . . . Dangers for parents to avoid . . . 
The evils of "smother-love" and overstrictness . . . Gaining strength 
through prayer . . . Don't abuse foster homes . . . When should parents 
let children be adopted? . . . Guidance for stepparents . . . 
Principles to help the children grow to love their new parents.


Chapter Ten: WHERE TO GET HELP WHEN IN TROUBLE

Almost every family faces serious problems at some time . . . 
Differences and difficulties must be expected . . . Danger signs of 
trouble . . . Don't let problems grow until they become unmanageable . 
. . When to seek outside guidance in solving family problems . . . 
Where to take your problems . . . What priests and family counselors 
can do . . . Sources of financial, physical and emotional aid . . . 
Psychiatry is not a "dirty word" . . . How a psychologist and a 
psychiatrist handle a case . . . Beware of "psychological quacks" . . . 
What to do if your family is "disgraced' . . . Care for the unwed 
mother.


Chapter Eleven: SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

How working mothers are causing a revolution in home life . . . Reasons 
why more married women than single women now hold jobs . . . How a 
mother who works full-time may harm her child, her husband and herself 
. . . Why nurseries can't substitute . . . What happens to children 
deprived of mothers . . . How the family unit suffers through 
overemphasis of material values . . . Does it really pay mothers to 
work? Statistics prove employment outside the home often is 
unprofitable . . . Alternatives to work outside the home for mothers . 
. . The problem of "moonlighters"--men who hold two full-time jobs . . 
. How overambitious fathers may harm their families.


Chapter Twelve: WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

Every person should decide his own course . . . How you can implant 
ideals to guide your child . . . Three requirements every career should 
fulfill . . . How your child can know if he has a call to the religious 
life . . . Requirements for priests, brothers and sisters . . . Can 
Catholic parents thwart a religious vocation? . . . Answers to 
objections by parents . . . The vocation of marriage . . . Reasons why 
a man or woman might remain single . . . Young men and women in the 
world can still serve God and man in almost all occupations . . . Even 
one individual can do great good . . . The child who "disappoints" his 
parents by choosing an "inferior" career.


Chapter Thirteen: HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

Modern factors which have produced the "teen-age" crisis . . . Today's 
youngsters have greater freedom, sophistication and insecurity . . . 
Teen-age problems almost unheard-of a generation ago . . . Physical and 
emotional changes of adolescents. . . How they are affected by 
awakening sexual desire . . . The fight for independence . . . What 
your child needs to become a successful adult . . . Force him to take 
responsibility . . . How teen-agers' codes guide their conduct . . . 
Practical problems of adolescents . . . Why parents are frustrated in 
dealing with their adolescents . . . Why you should let your child make 
mistakes.


Chapter Fourteen: PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

How you affect your child's attitudes toward the other sex . . . 
Practical rules for parties and dances . . . When should youngsters 
begin to date? . . . Effective deterrents to premarital intercourse . . 
. The importance of modesty in dress . . . But you can still be 
attractive! . . . Moral dangers of going steady . . . What public-
school officials say about teen-age pregnancies . . . Why do Americans 
marry so young? . . . The kinds of men and women your child should 
avoid . . . Impediments to valid marriages . . . Qualities they should 
seek in a mate . . . The serious purposes of courtship . . . How long 
should engagements be? . . . Preparations for marriage.


Chapter Fifteen: HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

The growing trend toward interfaith unions . . . Why the Church opposes 
mixed marriages . . . Why such unions often end in divorce and 
desertions . . . Strains and tensions are common in mixed marriages . . 
. All faiths oppose them . . . Church rules on mixed marriages . . . 
Why Protestants object to prenuptial promises--and why Catholics in a 
mixed marriage are at a disadvantage . . . Do such marriages make 
converts? . . . How the sincerity of a prospective convert can be 
tested . . . Three basic ways to help your child avoid a mixed 
marriage.


Chapter Sixteen: RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN YOUR HOME

Your home can be a little sanctuary . . . Family prayer . . . Inspiring 
customs from every land to help you celebrate Christmas, Easter and 
other feast days . . . Suggestions for observing special religious 
feasts throughout the year . . . How saints' days can be celebrated to 
strengthen your family's spiritual life . . . Your child's special 
days--baptismal day, feast day of his patron saint, First Communion and 
Confirmation days . . . Articles for the sickroom.


APPENDIX

Naming your baby . . . Church rules on fast and abstinence . . . The 
Eucharistic fast . . . A Betrothal Rite . . . Consecration of the 
family to the Holy Family . . . Family Prayer Card: The Confiteor, 
Prayer for the home, Parents' prayer for children, Children's prayer 
for their parents, Prayer for a sick person, Blessing on sleep, Prayer 
for the dead . . . Prayer for vocations to the priesthood and religious 
life.


ADDITIONAL READINGS ON FAMILY LIFE


INDEX



FOREWORD


By His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman

Archbishop of New York

There is no art or profession more difficult and more strenuous than 
that of molding the bodies, minds, and souls of children. Because these 
are tender creatures, easily influenced by wrong guidance, God made 
parents the first and most important educators of children. When God 
confides a child to the care of Christian parents, He seems to say to 
them what Pharoah's daughter said to the mother of the infant Moses: 
"Take this child and rear him for Me."

The family, then, in God's plan is the nursery school in which the man 
of tomorrow matures and is formed--for life and eternity. The 
foundations of Christian living are established in the home, where 
minds are opened to God's Presence in the Universe and virtue is 
nurtured and strengthened. Children are eager pupils following the 
examples their father and mother give--learning from their words, their 
actions, and their attitudes.

How serious then, is their obligation to be good teachers. How tragic 
when they neglect their duties or perform them carelessly or 
indifferently!

In the training of children for effective Christian living, none can 
fully take the place of parents. If the home fails to measure up to 
divine ideals, the Church and school labor with impaired fruitfulness.

But it is not enough to be conscious of an obligation and to have the 
desire of discharging it. Parents must have besides, the competency to 
render them capable of fulfilling their responsibilities. Hence 
Catholic parents should deem it a sacred duty to prepare themselves 
properly for the arduous work of educating citizens of heaven and 
earth.

"The Catholic Family Handbook" performs a real service for parents. It 
helps fathers and mothers realize the full meaning of their sacred 
calling and offers them practical directives for dealing with the 
problems of educating modern youth; and they will find in its pages 
ways and means to perfect their relationship with their children.



CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY

WHEN you became a parent, you undertook the most important job of your 
life--the job of guiding your children so that they might live happily 
on earth and win eternal happiness in heaven. The purpose of this book 
is to help you gain that objective--to strengthen your family life and 
to make yours a truly happy family. Its viewpoint is not always the 
popular one, nor is its advice easy to follow. For the foundations of 
Christian family life have never faced the many-sided assault they must 
stand up against today, and the task of the conscientious Catholic 
parent has never been more difficult.

Many secular books provide an abundance of directives to parents. 
Almost all deal with the "how" of parenthood but few deal with the 
"why." It is not the purpose of this book to oversimplify the parent-
child relationship. Nor does it offer a final blueprint for all parents 
in all circumstances, for wholesome family life always contains a 
mysterious ingredient, known only to God, which makes each effort a 
real adventure.

This book recognizes that to be truly successful, a family must be more 
than merely "good." All its members must be suffused with the Christian 
concept of life. For what does it profit a father and mother if they 
achieve good social adjustment and perfect psychological balance among 
their members if they do not serve Christ on earth and gain eternity 
with God for themselves and their children? "The Catholic Family 
Handbook" therefore seeks to define the nature and purpose of Christian 
domestic life--and to encourage you to reach its high and worthy goals.

In order for you to understand what objectives you should strive for as 
a parent, you should first realize that your Catholic family symbolizes 
in miniature the Mystical Body of Christ. The husband and father is the 
head of the body and represents Christ. The wife represents the Church 
and the children, as members of the body, represent the faithful. And 
this family unit has been designated by Christ to worship our Heavenly 
Father. Through its common life all the members give glory to God and 
express their submission to Him.

In addition, the family works with Christ for the redemption of its 
members and the world. For when Our Lord made marriage a sacrament, He 
established the family as a basic means through which His grace could 
be given to men. The husband and wife channel grace to each other and 
to their children and vice versa. If these graces do not come to us in 
this way (through another member of the Mystical Body), they do not 
come at all. Therefore it is most important that parents and children 
live in the state of grace, and that the Holy Spirit continually dwell 
in their souls. For mortal sin in any member prevents the free flow of 
grace to other members of the household.

You will achieve the greatest success in your family life if you 
remember that you are fulfilling this sacred vocation. Like the priest, 
you are called upon to teach, rule and sanctify your children in the 
name of Jesus Christ. His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman, once 
wrote: "A man's family (is) a place to which God could look, as He did 
to Bethlehem, for the beginning of mortal lives which are also eternal, 
for the beginnings of lives of tiny citizens of two worlds--of earth 
and of heaven." Your work as parents, therefore, is a holy and 
religious work. You may produce doctors, lawyers, scientists. But to 
the extent that your children do not reach heaven or are given every 
opportunity to do so, you have not succeeded. And you will begin to 
realize the full potentialities of your vocation when you see your 
family in this light.

Modern pressures harm family life. Today, unfortunately, we do not 
always have that Catholic family life of which older generations were 
justly proud and which produced great human beings and outstanding 
Christians. The adult children of those fine German, Italian, Irish and 
Polish households now tend to reject their parents' way of domestic 
living. They may value their many brothers and sisters and pay generous 
tribute to their self-sacrificing fathers and mothers, but the effort 
involved in having a large family is too heroic for them. The training 
for hard work and service to others, the mental stability, the sense of 
right and wrong, the religious faith which they received--they want 
these for their children too, but they often do not want to do all the 
work or accept the point of view that makes such accomplishments 
possible. In fact, some couples have wandered so far from the ideals of 
Christian marriage that they are not Christian parents at all.

Today we see the individual exalted at the expense of the family. 
People marry foolishly and then leave marriage to suit their own 
convenience. Others deliberately limit children and thus belittle the 
importance to solid family life of a full household; their birth-
control mentality tempts them to look upon their union merely as 
companionship or a means of mutual gratification. Frequently a small 
and prosperous family has a built-in selfishness which disturbs, where 
it does not destroy, domestic peace. And parents who use contraceptives 
may have lax opinions about sexual morality, so that the young 
consciences under their care are harmed.

Many modern wives have forgotten, or do not want to know, that their 
first purpose is motherhood and that making a home is their most worth-
while career. They have emancipated themselves from serious self-
sacrifice on behalf of their husband or family. Many husbands, too, 
have mentally divorced themselves from their high calling as teacher 
and ruler of their young ones; as a result, their homes are in a state 
of anarchy or matriarchy. Thus the marriage bond in many instances has 
ceased to be moral and spiritual. Instead it has become sensual, social 
and esthetic.

Some modern social scientists have termed Catholic concern over the 
decay of public and private morality and the disintegration of home 
life "alarmist poppycock." They array a large amount of statistical 
evidence to demonstrate that the American world is no worse off than it 
was before. They declaim that elders have always looked upon every new 
generation as a generation of vipers. But we who deal with people as 
people, and are interested in their moral well-being, know that the 
divorced, the promiscuous, the drug addict, the alcoholic, the 
homosexual, the juvenile delinquent, are increasingly prevalent 
phenomena which cannot be discovered in social pathology books, let 
alone the neighborhood streets, of thirty years ago. They live next 
door--in large numbers and among ordinary family folk, and can be found 
in the mainstreams of society. Parents, priests, doctors, teachers, 
judges, policemen and thoughtful citizens are rightfully alarmed, even 
if the sociologists and psychologists are not. And you, as parents, 
must be concerned lest the plague infect your home.

The blame for these blights on modern happiness can be laid squarely on 
the secular culture of our country which equates happiness with the 
pursuit of private pleasure and denies the existence of spiritual goals 
and values. The lack of religion, the encouraged agnosticism of our 
public institutions, particularly our schools, and the denial of the 
authority and rights of parents are all related to secularism.

In the face of such widespread error, the Church turns hopefully, as 
she did two thousand years ago, to the family. She would (1) have you 
recognize the Christian dignity of marriage; (2) strengthen your 
determination to live your family life in Christ and for Christ; (3) 
confirm your resistance to the pressures which threaten to destroy 
family virtue and domestic tranquillity; (4) inoculate your family 
against further moral contamination. These purposes of the Church are 
the purposes of this book. For no matter what evil influences flourish 
outside your home, your family can be an impregnable refuge of 
Christian life.


Parents are partners with God. The success of your family depends upon 
your recognition of the fact that as a parent of a human life, you 
share one of the greatest of God's gifts--the magnificent act of 
creation. Your role is to procreate His children, and to educate them 
so that they may ultimately return to Him in heaven. Only with Him can 
you realize your life's goals for yourself, your mate and your 
children; for, as we learn in childhood, the first purpose of our 
existence is to know, love and serve God in this life so that we may be 
happy with Him forever in the next one.

To achieve its purpose, the family must be a triangle consisting of 
God, parents and children. Our Lord taught us this when He raised 
marriage--the fountainhead of the family--to the dignity of a 
sacrament. And through the sacrament, He provides the graces for true 
spiritual success in your family life regardless of the trials and 
tribulations you may face.

As your partner in parenthood, God will help you. His grace will make 
your home His dwelling place and the means of your sanctification. It 
will make you capable of greater love than you ever thought possible 
and will enable you, as a parent, to achieve levels of self-sacrifice 
beyond your dreams. And what it will enable you to achieve will lead 
not only to your own salvation but also to the salvation of the souls 
He has entrusted to your care.

God's partnership with husbands and wives is nowhere more evident than 
in what might be called the "innate genius" of parents. If you look 
about you, you doubtless can see many men and women who a short time 
ago seemed to be irresponsible and incompetent, poorly fitted for the 
many tasks which must be performed as parents. Yet today they are 
fathers and mothers and--thanks to God's grace--they are doing a proper 
job in caring for their children.

Once you accept the great force of God's grace, you will never 
underestimate your own genius as a parent. Many of our own fathers and 
mothers were, by worldly standards, ignorant of psychiatry or 
psychology. Yet, by and large, they succeeded in bringing to adulthood 
men and women who walk in the path of goodness. They succeeded for one 
reason only: they understood their children's need for love, 
encouragement and direction, and they gave it. Without child experts to 
guide them along each small step of the way, they instinctively 
provided what was best for their youngsters. Once you make yourself 
willing to accept the graces which God offers to you, you will do so 
too. You will achieve a natural competence as a parent that will 
produce more good in your children than any blueprint that a human 
authority can give you.


What is a true Christian family? We probably can best appreciate the 
characteristics of a genuine God-fearing family by picturing it in 
operation in a representative home. As Richard Cardinal Cushing of 
Boston has inspiringly described it: "The worthy Christian home finds a 
true Christian family abiding therein and growing in love and care for 
one another. This home is not constructed in prefabricated fashion in a 
few weeks or a few years--for it is not purely material. Indeed its 
true character is achieved not through plaster and paint and sanitary 
plumbing, but through love and sweat and tears. It is a framework 
trimmed with remembered moments of joy; cemented by hours of suffering. 
It is a reflection of the personalities of those who dwell therein, an 
expression of their likes and dislikes. The true Christian home is an 
altar of sacrifice and a theater of comedies and drama; it is a place 
of work and a haven of rest."

If yours is a true Christian home, it is like a little church, where 
the family daily joins together in beautiful devotions--the family 
rosary, family night prayers and the act of consecration to the Sacred 
Heart. Life is viewed as Christ would have us view it. There is great 
trust and confidence in His providence. Love, tenderness and 
forgiveness you find there, but also a high standard of moral living, 
obedience and discipline. Parents and children, whether they be rich or 
poor, share generously with each other, go without things if necessary, 
and bear trials and sufferings in patience.

It is a little school, where your children learn to live and love as 
dignified human beings, to work for the good of others, and to serve 
their fellow man without thought of monetary gain.

It is a little recreation center, where the family relaxes in peace 
from outside woes and work. Playing together helps children and parents 
reconcile differences and adjust to each other's needs, and builds up 
the affectionate ties that last a lifetime. Most of us remember the 
starring roles we had at one time or another in our own homemade 
theater. It is the humorous incidents of the family that help develop 
pleasant and outgoing personalities--the good fun involving Mother and 
Dad and all the boys and girls which the uncrowded modern household 
misses.

You can best live up to this picture of true family life if you keep as 
your ideal the life led by the Holy Family at Nazareth. For there, as 
Cardinal Cushing goes on to say: "...one beheld simplicity and purity 
of conduct, perfect agreement and unbroken harmony, mutual respect and 
love, not of the false and fleeting kind, but that which found both its 
life and its charm in devotedness of service. At Nazareth, patient 
industry provided what was required for food and raiment; there was 
contentment with little--and a concentration on the diminution of the 
number of wants rather than on the multiplication of sources of wealth. 
Better than all else, at Nazareth there was found that supreme peace of 
mind and gladness of soul which never fails to accompany the possession 
of a tranquil conscience. At Nazareth one could witness a continuous 
series of examples of goodness, of modesty, of humility, of hard-
working endurance, of kindness to others, of diligence in the small 
duties of daily life."

You can imitate this model of the Holy Family only if you set out to 
make every member of your family more concerned about God and the 
things of God than about the things of this world. You must live in the 
awareness that all that is done is done in the presence of God and that 
genuine happiness results only when we conform to His will.


The triangle of God, parents and child. It cannot be stressed too often 
that you can leave a heritage of good for centuries simply by leading a 
holy life as a parent. For example, if you have six children, it is 
possible that within your lifetime you will have twenty-five or thirty 
grandchildren. They in turn may have more than 100 children, and within 
a century perhaps 1,000 lives will reflect your influence to some 
extent. If you have been a good parent, thanks to you they may be good 
Christians--your advocates in heaven. If you are a bad example, you may 
leave a large number of evildoers as your contribution to God and 
humanity.

As the Catholic Bishops of the United States pointed out in 1950 in 
their memorable formal statement, "The Child: Citizen of Two Worlds," 
the first requirement of good Catholic family life is that the children 
must know God. However, as the Bishops emphasized, "there is a vast 
difference between 'knowing about God' and 'knowing God.' The 
difference is made by personal experience. It is not enough that the 
child be given the necessary truths about God. They ought to be given 
in such a way that he will assimilate them and make them a part of 
himself. God must become as real to him as his own father and mother. 
God must not remain an abstraction. If He does, He will not be loved; 
and if He is not loved, then all the child's knowledge about Him will 
be sterile. Where love is, there too is service. ('If you love me, keep 
my commandments.') That is Christ's test and it must be applied to the 
child. He should be brought to see God's commandments and precepts as 
guideposts which give an unerring direction to his steps. In this work, 
the Church, the family and the school all have a part to play."


How can you teach your child to know God? First, by inspiring him to 
love and serve God by your own daily actions. He will be quick to 
imitate what he sees and hears at home. If good example is not 
forthcoming, he will become confused by the contradiction between what 
you teach and what you practice. His confusion will be compounded when 
he goes to a school where religion is taught. There he will learn to 
reverence the name of God, but at home he may hear God's name used 
irreverently in petulance and anger. At school he will learn to get 
along with his fellow pupils, but at home he may be allowed to offend 
and wrangle with his brothers and sisters. At school he will be taught 
strict precepts of honesty and justice, while at home he may hear 
boasts of sharp business practices and clever evasions of truth. 
Disturbed by these contradictions and torn by conflicting loyalties to 
home and school, he will lose confidence in his parents or teachers or 
both.

Only two courses are open to your child. He will be either God-centered 
or self-centered. Every young child seeks to satisfy every selfish 
whim. Training yours to consider God and others before he acts is one 
of the most challenging tasks you face. Here is where you can draw on 
the life of Christ. If you teach your child to deny his selfish whims 
in imitation of the obedient and patient Savior, he will not only have 
a supernatural motive for his actions, but God will have a central 
place in his affections. Only then can he grow up to his full spiritual 
stature.


You can find joy in your children. While you should never forget that 
you are your children's foremost teacher--and the most important 
influence they will ever know--your family life will lose its true 
perspective if you overemphasize the sacrifices you must make to 
educate them. For your joy in your children should outweigh by far any 
disadvantages they may cause. In them you will find your own happiness.

Your children give dimension to your love as a couple. Conjugal love, 
which can be selfish and isolated, takes a great stride with the birth 
of a baby. Many young mothers have said, "John and I did not really 
know what our love could grow to be until we held successive children 
in our arms." The greatest aid to your own maturity as human beings is 
the rearing of your children. St. John Chrysostom remarked, "Can there 
be a more responsible task than to mold the human spirit or form the 
morals of young people? I consider that man greater than any painter or 
sculptor who neglects not the molding of the souls of young people."

In your children you will rediscover your own youth. Their growth 
process will rekindle your own sense of wonder and enthusiasm. Johnny 
asks, "Dad, why is the sky blue?" And Dad, who hadn't cared, takes a 
new and longer look.

What have you to show for having lived, if not your children? At forty 
or fifty years of age, an adult generally reaches the limits of income 
and social standing. Yet parents continue to grow with their sense of 
fulfillment in the achievements of their children. And as if these 
satisfactions were not enough, parents through their offspring have a 
grand opportunity to spread the faith. They are real missionaries in 
their own home. They can say at the end of their lives as Christ said 
of His Apostles: "Those whom Thou hast given Me, I guarded; and not one 
of them perished." (John 17 :12)

There is no doubt that genuine Catholic family life is among the best 
family life to be found in the United States. For Catholic married 
couples are one of the few large groups in the country who have 
consistently sacrificed themselves to have more children. And the large 
numbers of their children who, properly trained, have left Catholic 
homes to take up responsible roles in the armed services, corporate 
economic life, the labor movement, and the public offices of 
government, reflect credit on those parents and on the Church.

In the Catholic home there is that modern rarity--fidelity between 
husband and wife. There is great reverence for parents by the children, 
great protection of weaker members by the stronger, and a great 
awareness of the dignity and rights of every member of the family. The 
Catholic woman has attained a height of respect and authority which 
cannot be found anywhere else, and the chief factor in her improvement 
has been the Church's teaching on chastity, conjugal equality, the 
sacredness of motherhood, and the supernatural end of the family, in 
imitation of the Holy Family of Nazareth. But even as we uphold the 
Catholic woman as wife and mother, we also uphold the pre-eminent place 
of the husband and father in the home.

You must not forget that the vigor of your Catholicism rests on the 
stability and goodness of your family life. Of course, the Church knows 
better than anyone else that in proclaiming Catholic family ideals she 
is dealing with human weakness and the tendency to selfishness and sin. 
Like a good mother, she also forgives and embraces those who 
momentarily betray those ideals. But unlike others, she will never 
admit that those weaknesses diminish or vitiate God's place for fathers 
and mothers or call sin virtue or pretend that weakness is strength. 
The reward for all your efforts is the Call of Christ on Judgment Day: 
"Come, ye blessed of My Father."



CHAPTER 2: YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

IF YOU could carefully study families that are genuinely happy--those 
in which father and mother truly love each other and their children, 
and where children obey, respect and love their parents--you would find 
that they have many traits in common. These characteristics are 
distinct and recognizable, and sharply differentiate these families 
from those in which there is unending tension, bickering and 
bitterness.

No institution has had the opportunity to observe the characteristics 
of happy families as has the Church. Through the centuries, she has 
recognized the family as the ideal means of helping parents and 
children to lead holy and happy lives, and she has carefully noted 
which factors best encourage holiness and happiness. What she has long 
known has been borne out in recent years by the studies of social 
scientists. These researchers have questioned thousands of persons who, 
by their own testimony, are members of happy families; and they have 
questioned other thousands who admit that their family life is not 
happy. From such beginnings they have uncovered the characteristics of 
happy families which are lacking in the other kind. The findings of the 
Church, tested over the centuries, and of sociologists, using modern 
scientific methods, agree that there are five main characteristics of a 
happy family.

First, it places full, unquestioned trust in God. Father, mother and 
children accept the Almighty as their Creator without reservation. They 
show love and respect for Him and His laws in the everyday conduct of 
their lives. They pray together; they attend Mass and receive Communion 
together; they practice other devotions together; they make their home 
a little sanctuary, with pictures and statues to remind them of Our 
Lord or the Blessed Mother.

The father who believes and trusts in God is best equipped to perform 
his functions as head of the family. Aware of his responsibilities to 
the Lord for his children, he strives to instill moral virtues by his 
own example. The mother who holds the Blessed Virgin as her model 
develops the love and patience which nurture the spiritual and 
emotional growth of her children.

When father and mother give living evidence of their faith in God, they 
no longer need spend so much time trying to decide which course to 
pursue in bringing up their children. They usually know what to do, 
because they have a standard to guide them. They only ask: What does 
God want of us as parents? When they seek to understand His way and to 
follow it, they free themselves of the confusion which besets parents 
without standards upon which to rest.

Children in a home where God is worshipped also know where they stand. 
They are taught to respect the Creator and, in respecting Him, to 
respect all lawful authority. They learn in a precise way what conduct 
is acceptable and what is forbidden. In their study of religion and 
religious truths, they learn at an early age that punishment will 
inevitably follow wrongdoing; thus they learn the major principle which 
will guide their conduct throughout their lives.

Many authorities have observed that a major sign of danger in marriage 
arises when one or both of the partners stops attending religious 
services regularly. Records of the nation's courts clearly prove that 
the home which worships God does not produce the child who appears 
before a judge on charges of juvenile delinquency. Studies of unwed 
mothers prove that the girl who has learned the virtue of purity in a 
religious setting at home is not the one who gets into trouble in her 
adolescence.

Second, the happy family puts interest in its home in first place. 
Father and mother fully recognize that the most important work they can 
do is to train their children to be a credit in the eyes of God.

One sometimes encounters a father who spends long hours at business 
during the week and then spends his week ends with business associates. 
In pursuing success or wealth--and perhaps believing that he is a good 
father in doing so--he refuses his children's fundamental need to know 
him as a human being. On the other hand, one often sees men who hold 
positions which, by the worlds standards, are low in social prestige. 
Perhaps they sacrifice material progress by devoting their leisure time 
to their children--playing and talking with them, sympathizing with 
their problems and encouraging them in their aspirations. Regardless of 
what the world thinks, the first type of father is a failure and the 
second type is a success.

In a happy home, parents often hold firm against other allurements 
which tempt them to put the needs of their children in an inferior 
place. Such allurements include the desire for an overly active social 
life, the constant pursuit of pleasure in the form of commercial 
entertainment and the exclusive choice of hobbies (golf, cards, dancing 
clubs, etc.) from which children are excluded.

Obviously, men must work to provide for their families. It is also 
obvious that parents are entitled to entertainment away from their 
children--in fact, an evening alone can have a pronounced therapeutic 
effect. Nor is the desire to succeed in business or to enjoy one's self 
blameworthy. But when a father becomes overly ambitious and sacrifices 
his children for his career advancement, or when a mother engages in an 
unending round of social activities, the great bond of unity in the 
family is weakened. Mutual love and respect, which are born and held 
only in intimacy, are the ingredients that make for true family life, 
and they cannot thrive when the father or mother places other 
objectives ahead of them.

Third, in happy families, father and mother occupy a position of 
equality, but there is no misunderstanding that he is the head. The 
importance of the mother is an accepted fact. She is the heart of the 
family--the custodian of love and warmth, the first comforter and 
educator of the children. In according her a just status, however, we 
must not weaken the father's traditional position.

By nature and temperament, he should exercise headship. When he fails 
to do so, his children lack an appropriate male model to guide them in 
their conduct, and they are likely to reach maturity without properly 
understanding the roles they must play as men or women. But while he 
must be the leader, he should not be like a common type of fathers of 
the past--the tyrant whose word was law, and whose wife and children 
constantly trembled before him. Such a father does more harm than good; 
his children either become submissive before everyone, or become so 
rebellious against authority that they cannot lead normal lives as law-
abiding citizens. In happy homes, the father is the just dispenser of 
punishment, but he also wins the respect of his children by the 
reasonable rules he imposes and the merciful way he enforces them.

Fourth, the happy family is based upon mutual sacrifice. In such a 
home, Dad will forgo desserts at lunch to save for a family vacation 
which all members of the family may enjoy. Mother will wear a dress 
that is several seasons old so that her daughter may take piano 
lessons; and the children will save for weeks to buy her a special gift 
for Mother's Day. When Dad must do extra work at home for his employer 
and Mother can help him, she gladly does so. When guests are coming and 
the house needs a thorough cleaning, Dad rolls up his sleeves and does 
his share of the manly work. Johnny washes the windows as his regular 
chore, Billy sets the table for dinner, Mary washes the dishes while 
Mother rests, and after school Tommy sometimes watches the baby in her 
playpen while Mother shops. In this family, everyone makes sacrifices 
for the common good.

Fifth, the happy family runs on rules. The children know exactly what 
they can do without offending others, and what they cannot do. They 
know what their punishment will be if they break the rules. And they 
know that it will not vary from time to time or from parent to parent.

Establishing clear-cut family rules requires complete agreement between 
father and mother. Few things disturb a child more than when his father 
establishes one standard of conduct and his mother makes continuous 
exceptions to it. Once a father and mother agree, neither should change 
the rules without consulting the other, or the child will not know what 
is expected of him. And both father and mother must share in enforcing 
them.

Probably the happiest homes are those in which each family member 
imposes rules upon himself. One wife becomes unduly disturbed whenever 
references are made to the alleged inferiority of women in any area of 
activity. She becomes angry at jokes about women drivers, women who are 
late for appointments, women who can't balance a checkbook. Out of 
respect for her feelings, her husband never raises such subjects even 
in a joking way. Many husbands have similar quirks in their make-up 
which may be unjustified from an objective point of view but which 
their wives respect for the sake of harmony. Sometimes children also 
become sensitive about certain points. When family members are 
motivated by a spirit of Christian tolerance, they willingly impose the 
rule upon themselves not to raise such touchy subjects.

As this review of the characteristics of happy families suggests, 
achievement of a genuinely Christian environment in your home will not 
result from mere chance. Rather you must put into effect the principles 
that follow from recognition of the fact that the family should be a 
triangle with God at its apex, or else it is doomed to failure. For the 
very characteristics that make a home holy, happy, and a source of 
strength and solace for its members come from nowhere but Almighty God. 
The love which the mother displays for her infant, the just and 
consistent way in which the father exercises his authority--these are 
but human copies of the loving authority which God exercises over all 
His children. And the respect for God and each other that family 
members display in the truly happy and Christian home springs from the 
two greatest commandments--that we love God with all our minds and all 
our hearts, and that we love our neighbor as ourselves.


Advantages of the large family. Before marrying, many young couples 
decide how many children they will have--a decision which often reveals 
that they are more concerned with how few children they will have 
rather than how many. Thus they begin their marriage with intentions of 
limiting the number of off spring. In this respect they reflect the 
birth-control frame of mind so prevalent today--a frame of mind which 
regards children as a liability rather than a blessing.

Although the first purpose of marriage is the procreation of children, 
Catholic couples will not necessarily have offspring. There may be many 
reasons why they cannot have babies or why they are limited to one or 
two. Some wives have difficulty in carrying a fetus to full term and 
have many miscarriages. Sometimes the husband or wife may be sterile--
unable to do his or her part in conceiving a new life. There may be 
mental, eugenical, economic or social reasons which make it justifiable 
to practice the rhythm method. The fact that a Catholic couple has no 
children, therefore, is no reason for concluding that they are guilty 
of any moral lapse.

In most marriages, however, there probably are no physical hindrances 
to births or justifiable reasons to limit them beyond those limitations 
which nature herself and unchangeable circumstance impose. Hence the 
typical Catholic family will have many more children than are found in 
the average family of other beliefs.

The large family provides many distinct advantages for both parents and 
children. For instance, it brings the mother and father closer 
together, giving them a joint source of love, and they achieve a closer 
sense of unity in planning for their children's welfare. Their love for 
each child extends their love for each other, and in each child they 
can see qualities which they love in their mates.

Children help parents to develop the virtues of self-sacrifice and 
consideration for others. The childless husband and wife must 
consciously cultivate these qualities, for the very nature of their 
life tends to make them think first of their own interests. In 
contrast, a father and mother who might have innate tendencies toward 
selfishness learn that they must subjugate their own interests for the 
good of their children, and they develop a spirit of self-denial and a 
higher degree of sanctity than might normally be possible.

The fact that children help to increase harmony in marriage has been 
proved in many ways. The sociologist Harold A. Phelps, in his book 
"Contemporary Social Problems," reports that 57 per cent of the 
divorcees in one large group had no children and another 20 per cent 
had only one child. Other researchers have established that the 
percentage of divorces and broken homes decreases as the number of 
children in the family increases.

Large families also teach children to live harmoniously with others. 
They must adjust to the wishes of those older and younger than 
themselves, and of their own and the other sex. In learning to work, 
play and, above all, share with others, the child in a large family 
discovers that he must often sacrifice his own interests and desires 
for the common good. For this reason, the "spoiled child" who always 
insists on having his own way is rare in the large family, if he can be 
found there at all. For the child who will not co-operate with others 
has a lesson forcibly taught to him when others refuse to co-operate 
with him.

In the typical large family, one often sees a sense of protectiveness 
in one child for another that is the embodiment of the Christian 
spirit. Children learn to help each other--to hold each other's hands 
when crossing the street, to sympathize with each other in times of 
sadness or hurt, and to give each other the acceptance which we all 
need to develop as mature human beings. This willingness to help one 
another is often strikingly evident in schoolwork: the oldest child 
instructs his younger brother in algebra, while the latter helps a 
still younger one in history.

Another advantage of large families is that they teach each child to 
accept responsibility for his own actions. Unlike the mother with one 
or two children, the mother of a large family usually lacks the time 
and energy to concern herself with every little problem of her 
children. She must observe sensible precautions with her children, of 
course, but she is not guilty of supervising her child's life to such 
an extent that he has no chance to develop his own resources. Precisely 
because she cannot devote her full time to him, he must make decisions 
for himself. Moreover, he acquires a better understanding of the rules 
by which the family is run. He sees his brothers and sisters punished 
for various breaches of conduct and learns what he himself may and may 
not do. And as he watches the progress of older children, he learns 
what privileges he may expect as he too advances in age. This knowledge 
gives him a greater sense of security.

Another reward for members of the large family, to which those who are 
now adults can testify, is that it gives the children close relatives 
upon whom they can depend all their lives. Occasionally, of course, 
brothers and sisters cannot agree as adults and break off relations 
completely. More often, however, they retain a close bond of kinship 
with each other and the reunions and family get-togethers on occasions 
like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter form one of the great joys of 
their lives. In most cases, the child brought up in a large family 
never feels utterly alone, regardless of adversities which may strike 
in adulthood. If he is troubled or bereaved, in desperate need of 
financial help or sympathetic advice, he usually can depend upon 
brothers and sisters to help. Forlorn indeed is the man or woman who, 
in time of stress, has no close and loving relatives to tell his 
problems to.

A final, but by no means least important, advantage is that they 
virtually insure the parents against loneliness, which has often been 
called the curse of the aged. How often do the father and mother of a 
large family remain young at heart because of the love they give to, 
and draw from, their grandchildren? In fact, many say that old age is 
their happiest time of life because they can enjoy to the fullest the 
love of the children and grandchildren without the accompanying 
responsibility. On the other hand, how lonely and miserable are the 
typical old people who have no children or grandchildren to love them?

One should not overlook the fact that there are some disadvantages to 
both parent and child in the large family. However, an objective review 
of these disadvantages would surely establish that they are outweighed 
by the advantages. For example, the large family may require the 
parents to make great financial sacrifices. They may be unable to 
afford as comfortable a home, own as new an automobile, or dress as 
well as can the husband and wife with a small family. But they have 
sources of lasting joy in the love, warmth and affection of their 
children--a joy that money cannot buy. The children of a large family 
may also be required to make sacrifices. Their parents may be unable to 
pay their way in college. But this need not mean that they will be 
denied educational opportunities. Thanks to scholarships, loan 
programs, and opportunities for student employment, the bright boy and 
girl who truly desires a college education can find the financial 
resources to obtain one. And having to earn at least a part of their 
own way will make them better students. Researchers have established 
that students who drop out of college most frequently have had all 
their expenses paid for them and have never learned the true value of 
an education.


Considerations for parents of small families. If you have but one or 
two children, you should try to create for them opportunities such as 
exist in larger families to develop their characters. In particular, 
you should discourage selfish tendencies--a natural hazard in the small 
family. Since you can concentrate all your attention upon your child, 
you may tend to worry about him to a greater extent and to bow to his 
whims more often than do parents of a large family. There is a natural 
danger, therefore, that he will become accustomed to having his own way 
and will not recognize that others have desires which should be 
accommodated too.

In training an only child, it may help you to remember that self-denial 
is the virtue from which other virtues spring. You should therefore 
strongly resist the tendency to do everything for him and not permit 
him to want for anything. So that he may learn to get along with 
others, encourage him to cultivate friends. Invite them to your home 
where he will be the host and thus must exert himself to please them.

Finally, give him the freedom to develop in his own way. You must 
control the impulse to worry unduly about every ailment, to stand guard 
over him at play, to check up constantly on his teachers to make sure 
that they are doing their job right. Such actions would betray a 
tendency to interfere abnormally in your child's affairs. Unless you 
avoid them you may find yourself ultimately trying to dictate where he 
should work and whom he should marry, and you will make it difficult 
for him ever to make decisions for himself.


How to be a good father. Probably nobody denies that the typical father 
exercises less authority in his home today than at any time in history. 
Reasons for this decline probably are of no interest or help in the 
present discussion; but the effect of it cannot be overlooked. For 
evidence accumulated by psychiatrists, social workers and similar 
experts proves unmistakably that when children lack a strong father to 
guide them, they suffer serious damage in many important ways. Consider 
these facts:

There is a startling growth in homosexual tendencies among the young, 
and most authorities agree that the boy who develops feminine 
characteristics usually has had unsatisfactory relations with his 
father in one or several important respects. Increases in juvenile 
delinquency--a headlined trend in every part of the country--are also 
due to the weak position of the father; the lack of an affectionate and 
understanding relationship between father and son is a prevalent 
characteristic in the background of boys charged with criminal 
offenses. Many authorities also blame the shocking rates of divorce and 
marriage breakdowns to this cause. The fathers of those who cannot 
succeed in marriage often never gave their children a realistic example 
of how a man should live with his wife in this relationship.

The importance of the father as an example of manhood to his son and 
daughter probably cannot be overestimated. For example, one day your 
son may marry and have a family. To be a successful father, he should 
know how to train his children; how to treat his wife and their mother 
in their presence; what to discuss with them about his work; how to 
show them manual skills, such as repairing a chair or painting 
furniture; how to perform in countless other important areas. The best 
way to learn how to act as a father is to observe one in action.

What ideals will he display as husband and father? To a large extent, 
that answer will depend upon those he has learned from you, his father, 
in your own home. What part will he play in the religious education of 
his children? The answer will largely depend upon whether you have led 
the family to Mass each Sunday, whether you say grace before meals in 
your home, whether you take an active part in the spiritual life of 
your parish. How should he act toward his wife--aloof, affectionate, 
domineering, docile? Here too the answer will mainly depend upon your 
example.

The adage, "Like father, like son," is firmly based on fact. No matter 
how much he may resist your influence, your son will be like you in 
many different ways. If your influence is wholesome, the effect upon 
him will be wholesome. If you are a bad father, you will almost surely 
corrupt him in some significant way. Remember also that you represent 
God before your child because you are--or should be--the figure of 
authority in your home. He will be taught that he can always depend 
upon the mercy and goodness of the eternal Father, but it will be 
difficult for him to grasp the full importance of that teaching if he 
cannot rely upon the goodness of his earthly father.

It has been said that, in addition to giving wholesome example, a good 
father follows four fundamental rules in his dealing with his children. 
First, he shows himself to be truly and sincerely interested in their 
welfare. Secondly, he accepts each child for what he is, and encourages 
any special talent which the youngster possesses. Thirdly, he takes an 
active part in disciplining his children. And finally, he keeps lines 
of communication open with them at all times. Each of these rules is 
worth detailed consideration, because the typical American father often 
ignores one or more of them.

1. Show an interest in your child's welfare. You can do this by 
devoting time to him, every day if possible. Try to discuss with him 
his experiences, problems, successes and failures. By giving yourself 
to him in this intimate way, you give him the feeling that he can 
always depend upon you to understand and help him in his difficulties. 
In a large family, it is especially important that you find time for 
intimate moments with each child. Every youngster should know that his 
father is interested in him as an individual, and is sympathetic with 
him and devoted to his welfare.

Modern fathers may find it more difficult to make their children an 
intimate part of their lives than did men of a few generations ago. 
Today's fathers often work many miles away from home. They leave for 
their jobs early in the morning and do not return until late in the 
evening, perhaps after the children are in bed. Unlike the men of an 
earlier age who often worked close to their homes, today's fathers may 
seldom see their youngsters during the week. To offset this condition, 
they should try to devote as much of their week ends to them as 
possible. This does not mean that you should be a "pal" to your 
children or that you must act like a juvenile, when aging bones may not 
permit this. But at family gatherings, picnics, trips to the ball park 
or even visits to the school, you are sharing leisure moments with 
them.

2. Accept your child and encourage his talents. One man hoped for a 
son, and found it impossible to conceal his disappointment when a girl 
was born. He now spends much time trying to inculcate masculine virtues 
in her and berates her constantly because she is not proficient at 
sports. A successful lawyer prides himself upon his intellect and once 
hoped that his son would achieve great scholastic success. But the lad, 
now in high school, has shown no pronounced ability in academic work; 
however, he is skilled at working with his hands. He must face unending 
sneers from his father about his "stupidity. A third man married a 
beautiful woman and expected his daughters to be beauties too. One girl 
is extremely plain, however. Even at the age of ten she knows that she 
is a complete disappointment to her father.

All of these examples indicate ways in which fathers display a lack of 
acceptance of their children. It is a fact that the qualities a child 
inherits--his physical attributes, aptitudes, and many other 
characteristics--are the result of chance. He may be a genius or an 
idiot: you should not claim credit if the first possibility occurs any 
more than you should feel ashamed for the second. The moral is plain: 
your children are a gift from God, and you should always accept each of 
them in a spirit of gratitude. In fact, the saintly father will accept 
a defective child with greater gratitude, for God has offered him an 
opportunity to provide more love, affection and direction than the 
ordinary youngster might need.

Remember also that your child is an individual, with talents which you 
perhaps cannot appreciate. Let him develop them in the best way 
possible. In attempting to learn why many gifted children do not go to 
college, researchers have found that their parents often have actively 
discouraged them. In a typical case, a father became wealthy through 
real estate investments and could easily afford college for a son with 
a strong aptitude in science. But the father accused the boy of trying 
to "put on airs" whenever college was discussed. Thanks to him, the son 
is now a misfit.

3. Don't shirk unpleasant tasks of parenthood. "See your mother; don't 
bother me" is a remark commonly made by one type of father. He returns 
from work, eats his dinner and then settles down to an evening behind 
his newspaper or before the television screen. When his children seek 
his aid with their homework or when they become unruly and require a 
strong parental hand, he is "too busy" to pay attention. Such an 
attitude tells a child that his mother is the true figure of importance 
in the family, while Dad is only the boarder who pays the bills.

It is not fair for fathers to enjoy all the pleasures of parenthood--to 
play with the children, to boast about their growth--and to give 
mothers all the painful duties. A father should discipline as often as 
the mother. If he fails to do so, he gives the children the idea that 
he does not stand with the mother in her efforts to instill proper 
manners and acceptable forms of behavior. As a matter of fact, in major 
matters the good father is likely to be the court of last resort. This 
is as it should be for his authority is more impressive and its effect 
more lasting than that of the mother.

4. Keep lines of communication open with your children. Teenagers often 
say that they cannot talk to their fathers about questions which 
disturb them. This breakdown in communication usually stems from one of 
three factors, or a combination of them. The father may be so severe in 
his discipline that he appears as a dictator in the youngster's mind; 
in the past he has always been "too busy" to keep on close terms with 
his boy; or he has not given his youngster the respectful attention he 
should have.

Stalin-type fathers fortunately are on the way out in America, for most 
men have learned that it is easier to train a child with loving 
kindness than with brute force. But some stern unyielding fathers 
remain. They may beat their child into patterns of behavior that offend 
no one, but in the process they often create a bitter adult who is 
never able to confide fully in another human being.

The second and third possible explanations for a child's unwillingness 
or inability to confide in his father may have even worse effects than 
the first. In the first instance, unless the father is a calloused 
brute, his child may at least discern evidence that his father is 
interested in his welfare. But when a father does not even care enough 
to concern himself with the child's upbringing in any serious way, he 
evidences a complete absence of love or interest.

There are many things that human beings prefer to keep to themselves, 
and it is probably good that this is so. Your child should not feel 
that he must lay bare his innermost thoughts and desires. But he should 
know that in times of stress and strain he has a sympathetic and loving 
adviser to turn to. You will fulfill that role if you strive always to 
treat him with courtesy and sympathy, and with an understanding based 
upon your memory of the difficulties, problems, fears and aspirations 
of your own boyhood. Never ridicule him: it is the opposite of sympathy 
and probably locks more doors between father and son than any other 
action.


How to be a good mother. In view of the many social evils resulting 
from the decline in the father's influence, one of the most important 
functions the modern mother should perform is to help maintain or 
restore the father's position of authority in the family. In doing so, 
you will fulfill your own role as a wife and mother to a greater extent 
than is possible when you permit your husband to be the lesser figure. 
This was the secret of the success of olden fathers. Even though they 
worked twelve hours a day, their dominant role in the home was 
guaranteed and protected by the mother.

You can make your greatest contribution to your family as the heart of 
your home--not its head. From you, your children should learn to love 
others and to give of themselves unstintingly in the spirit of 
sacrifice. Never underestimate the importance of your role. For upon 
you depends the emotional growth of your children, and such growth will 
better prepare them to live happy and holy lives than any amount of 
intellectual training they may receive.

Most of us know persons who have received the finest educations which 
universities can bestow, who yet lead miserable lives because they have 
never achieved a capacity to love. On the other hand, we also know of 
men and women whose intellectual achievements are below normal but 
whose lives are filled with happiness because their mothers showed them 
how to love other human beings. It follows that in helping your child 
to satisfy his basic emotional needs to love and be loved, you give 
something as necessary as food for his full development. So do not be 
beguiled by aspirations for a worldly career or by the desire to prove 
yourself as intelligent as men or as capable in affairs of the world as 
they. The father must always remain a public figure. The mother is the 
domestic figure par excellence. In teaching your child the meaning of 
unselfish love you will achieve a greater good than almost any other 
accomplishment of which human beings are capable.

You are the most important person your child will ever know. Your 
relationship with him will transcend, in depth of feeling, any other 
relationship he probably will ever have--even the one with his marriage 
partner. As noted above, from you he will learn what true love really 
is. From the tenderness you show and the security you give, you will 
develop his attitudes toward other human beings which will always 
remain with him.

However, his dependence on you begins to wane soon after birth--and 
continues to wane for the rest of your life. In his first years, 
naturally, he will rely upon you almost entirely--not only for food, 
but also to help him perform his most elementary acts. But soon he 
learns to walk and to do other things for himself; when he goes to 
school he can dress himself; when he reaches adolescence and strives 
for the freedom that adults know, he will try to throw off his 
dependence so violently that you may fear that you have lost all hold 
upon him.

Your job is to help him reach this state of full and complete 
independence in a gradual fashion. And your success as a mother will 
depend to a great extent upon the amount of emancipation you permit him 
as he steps progressively toward adulthood. Therefore you should try to 
judge realistically when your child truly needs your help and when he 
does not.

If you can reach the happy medium wherein you do for your child only 
what he cannot do for himself, you will avoid dominating him or 
overindulging him. The dominant mother makes all decisions for Johnny 
and treats him as though he had no mind of his own; the overindulgent 
mother will never permit her Mary to be frustrated in any wish, or to 
be forbidden any pleasure her little heart desires. The overindulgent 
mother may do without the shoes she needs to buy a doll for her Annie; 
she may stop what she is doing to help Johnny find the comic book he 
has misplaced; she may eat the leftovers in the refrigerator while she 
gives the freshly prepared food to her children.

The overindulgent mother is a common character in literature. Probably 
every American woman has seen movies and television programs, and has 
read stories in magazines and newspapers, in which these defects were 
pointed out. Yet every new generation of mothers seems to practice the 
same extreme of behavior. Some excuse themselves by saying that they 
want to give their children every advantage in life. Such an intention 
is laudable, perhaps, but the method is impractical. If you want to do 
the best for your child, let him develop so that he can face life on 
his own feet. Overindulging him denies him his right to develop his own 
resources and thus defeats the purpose of your mission as a mother.

Someone once remarked in jest that as part of her education for 
motherhood, every woman should visit the psychiatric ward of an army 
hospital. If you could see the countless examples of mental disorders 
caused largely by the failure of mothers to sever the apron strings to 
their child, you could easily understand why--for the sake of your 
child's emotional self--you must make it a primary aim to help him to 
develop as an independent person.

Priests and psychiatrists often see problems from different angles, yet 
they display striking agreement in pinpointing other kinds of maternal 
conduct which do great harm to the child. Their advice might be 
summarized as follows:

Don't be an autocrat who always knows best. Your child may have his own 
way of doing things, which may seem to be inefficient or time-
consuming. Have patience and let him do things his way, thus giving him 
the opportunity to learn by trial and error.

Don't be a martyr. Naturally, you must make sacrifices. But do not go 
to such extremes that your child feels guilty when you deny yourself 
something which rightfully should be yours, in order to give him what 
rightfully should not be his. A typical martyr worked at night in a 
laundry to pay her son's way through college. Before his graduation, he 
asked her not to appear at the ceremony--he said she would be dressed 
so poorly that he would be embarrassed.

Don't think you have the perfect child. Some mothers, when their child 
receives low grades, appear at school to determine, not what is wrong 
with him, but what is wrong with the teachers. When such a mother 
learns that her son has been punished for disobedience, she descends 
upon the school officials and demands an apology. By her actions she 
undermines the child's respect for all authority--including her own. 
You will probably be on safe ground, until your child is canonized at 
St. Peter's, if you conclude that he has the same human faults and 
weaknesses that you see in your neighbors' children.

Don't use a sickbed as your throne. The "whining" mother feigns illness 
to attract sympathy and to force her children to do as she wills. Who 
would deny the last wish of a dying person? In this vein she often gets 
what she wants--for a while. The usual, final result, however, is that 
her children lose both sympathy and respect for her.

Don't be a "glamour girl." Motherhood is not a task for a woman who 
thinks that ordinary housework--preparing meals, making beds, washing 
clothes--is beneath her. Of course, mothers should strive to maintain a 
pleasing appearance, but they should also realize that they are most 
attractive when they are fulfilling the duties of their noble vocation. 
You would embarrass your family if you insisted on acting and dressing 
like a teen-ager; and, if you adopted a demeaning attitude toward 
household tasks, you would teach your children that motherhood and its 
responsibilities are unworthy of respect.



CHAPTER 3: YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

IT CANNOT be repeated too often that you are your child's most 
important teacher. As an adult, he will reflect your influence to a 
greater extent than you probably imagine--just as you reflect the 
personality of your own mother and father. Even if you refused to 
exercise your God-given responsibility to train him, you would leave 
your imprint upon his personality nevertheless. For instance, a father 
who deserts his family while his child is still an infant leaves an 
impression upon the youngster that will never be eradicated; he says, 
in effect, that parenthood is not worth the trouble and that a father's 
obligations are more than a man should carry. The storekeeper who calls 
it "good business" when he cheats his customers by selling inferior 
merchandise teaches his child that honesty is unimportant. The mother 
who tells smutty stories need not deliver a speech downgrading purity; 
her actions, more effectively than words, teach this principle to her 
child. And against such influences of the home, it is highly unlikely 
that the corrective teaching of church or school can prevail.

You have an awesome responsibility, therefore, but also a challenge--a 
challenge to which you will rise magnificently if you realize the 
benefits to humanity that can be achieved if you live by true Christian 
principles. As we have noted, your influence as parent will extend not 
only to your children but to your children's children and down to many 
other generations yet unborn. Your simple acts of devoted motherhood or 
fatherhood may assist untold numbers to heaven--or your bad example may 
be the force which may lead them to hell.


What your child needs. In order to become an adult who will honor God 
and serve his fellow man in the way God intended, your child needs the 
sense of security that can come only from your unquestioned love and 
kindness. When a baby is born, he enters a strange environment--one 
newer and more different to him than Mars might be to the first space 
traveler. Before birth, your child was sheltered, warmed and fed in an 
automatic process. Then his world abruptly changed: he became an 
individual thrust from his warm, protecting shelter and forced to 
encounter cold, hunger and suffering. Never again on earth will he 
enjoy the sense of peace and well-being that he experienced in the 
womb.

The newborn babe needs food and shelter, of course. But even more, he 
needs a substitute for the security he has lost. This need can be 
satisfied in a physical way at first--for instance, when he is held 
close to his mother's body. Later, as he develops a sense of physical 
freedom as an individual, it must be supplied psychologically through 
love.

In his book "Your Child's World," Dr. Robert Odenwald, the 
psychiatrist, states that your child's need for security will be the 
most important part of your relationship with him. His behavior in 
later life will reflect whether you have provided or denied it, and how 
much maturity he acquires as an adult will depend directly upon how 
much security you give him in his early years. "You can best foster a 
feeling of security in your infant or young child by giving him 
uniform, sympathetic care," Dr. Odenwald states. "Paying loving 
attention to his needs, like holding him and rocking him, creates a 
steadfast continuity which makes him feel secure. One of the first 
things you will discover about your child is his urgent demand for 
consistency. Take him from the crib to which he has become accustomed, 
change some characteristic of his feedings, misplace his favorite toy, 
get someone new to care for him for a short period, and he may wail for 
hours. Is this an early evidence of perverseness on his part? No. It is 
evidence of his desire for security and his deep unhappiness when it is 
not provided for him."

As your child develops, you can make him secure by constantly letting 
him know that you are interested in him as a person, and that you want 
him and love him. Few parents would openly admit that they do not love 
their child; yet many reject their offspring by their actions. Some 
couples find that a young child interferes with their pursuit of 
pleasure: they cannot go to many dancing parties or stay out until 
early morning when an infant demands their attention around the clock. 
Others may subconsciously resent the fact that they no longer can spend 
as much as they would like on liquor, clothes or automobiles; they must 
tighten their purse strings to support their baby. Other couples are 
immature and see the infant as a threat to their hold upon the 
affections of the partner.

When these resentments exist, the parents may not express them openly; 
it is not the "polite" thing to do. But they may develop attitudes 
which express their true feelings. One such attitude is perfectionism. 
Those who would not dare reject their child in an obvious way--such as 
by leaving him upon a doorstep--can set up standards of behavior with 
which any human being would find it impossible to comply. Typical 
perfectionist parents usually have only one or two children; they often 
are more concerned about what other people will think of them than 
about what is truly right, and they tend to be unable to give freely of 
themselves emotionally. They upbraid their child for disturbing the 
sterile neatness of the living room, for shouting or singing in the 
house, or for returning dirty after playing outdoors. These parents are 
really saying that what their child does naturally--and what any normal 
child would do--is not suitable behavior. By setting up artificial 
standards, they do not allow him to develop in a normal way and thus 
they undermine his confidence in himself as a worth-while individual--
the very basis of his security.

Other parents stifle their child through overprotectiveness. Such 
parents also are saying that their child cannot be trusted to handle by 
himself the normal situations of everyday living which others of his 
age tackle with their own resources. Visit a public park on a Sunday 
and you will see overprotectiveness at its most appalling. A young 
child wishes to run on the grass, but his mother holds him back because 
she fears he might fall and hurt himself. Eight-year-olds playing a 
game are constantly warned not to throw the ball too far, lest they run 
out of the parents' sight and thus risk getting lost. These are extreme 
examples--the kind which often bring the child involved into a 
psychiatrist's office years later, as an adult, when he lacks the 
initiative to perform even common tasks on his own. Fortunately, few 
parents are guilty of such extreme behavior, yet lesser varieties of 
overprotectiveness--the kind summed up in the word "Momism"--are more 
common than most persons suspect.

You are overprotective when you implore your young child to eat his 
dinner every night for fear that he will not get proper nourishment. If 
you withheld food between meals and let him hunger for a few days if 
necessary, he soon would eat what is offered at mealtime. You are 
overprotective if you constantly warn him of dangers such as falling 
which are a normal risk in children's games. Likewise, you are 
overprotective if you repeatedly beseech your teen-ager to wear his 
rubbers when it rains; after a few urgings on your part, it would be 
better for his full development as a self-reliant individual if he 
contracted a cold as a result of his failure to wear them and thus 
learned from his own experience. For by constantly reminding your child 
to do what is a reasonable responsibility of his age, you indicate that 
you lack confidence in him and thus undermine his security.

It is obvious that a necessary chore when done for a young child may be 
sheer overprotectiveness when done for an older one. When your two-
year-old plays in front of your house, common prudence dictates that 
you remain close by, because he lacks the experience to know that he 
must not run into the street and possibly into the path of an oncoming 
car. But to sit by for the same reason while your nine-year-old plays 
is sheer overprotectiveness. Thus, to function effectively as a parent, 
try to understand what may reasonably be expected of your child at 
various stages of his development. Many excellent books have been 
written by child psychologists which indicate what the normal youngster 
can do for himself at different ages.


Understanding your child. A second need of your child is to be 
understood in terms of his own native talents and capabilities. God 
makes each one of us different; our nervous systems may run from 
extremes of restlessness to extremes of placidity. One child may be 
born with a physique that demands constant physical exertion. Another 
may prefer to spend hours in one spot, if not in one position. One 
child may have a native curiosity which may some day make him an 
outstanding scientist; another may be bookish; a third given to play-
acting. As was noted earlier, you should first accept your child for 
what he is. Then you should try to understand his particular needs 
which result from the fact that he is who he is. This is of great 
importance if he is to have a wholesome environment in which he can 
develop his fullest potentials.

Modern experts make much of the necessity of understanding your 
youngster. They are correct in this attitude. If two-year-old Eddie 
constantly demands attention after the birth of a younger child, it is 
helpful to parents to realize that his conduct is probably caused by 
his fear that his parents are giving to the newcomer the love which he 
wants for himself. If your eight-year-old constantly picks on younger 
boys and is acquiring a reputation as a bully, it helps you if you 
realize that he probably feels frustrated in some important area of his 
life and is venting his frustration upon those who cannot fight back. 
If your thirteen-year-old daughter defies your wishes and applies rouge 
and lipstick when out of your sight, it may aid you if you understand 
that she is expressing her wish for greater freedom, and perhaps feels 
that you regard her too much as a little girl.

All too often, however, parents who understand why a child does a 
certain thing also feel that they must accept the action. This is a 
complete mistake--the kind of error that soft-hearted social workers 
make, especially in dealing with juvenile delinquents. You should 
understand why your child acts as he does so that you may be able to 
satisfy those emotional needs which he is seeking to satisfy by his 
improper conduct. If his actions reflect his sense of insecurity, find 
ways to give him a feeling of being loved and wanted. If his actions 
indicate his struggle for independence, provide outlets that enable him 
to express his own individuality without harming others. If his conduct 
indicates a belief that he is treated less fairly than your other 
children, devise ways to prove that he shares equally in your love.

But because you can explain why Johnny acts that way does not mean that 
his objectionable conduct itself should be tolerated. There is probably 
a reason why every sinner in history has performed his shameful act. 
But that does not make the act justifiable. The man who kills in a fit 
of passion may have been goaded into it; yet society rightfully demands 
that he pay a penalty. The bank robber may have been frustrated as a 
child; but if his lawyer advanced such an excuse before a judge, he 
would probably be laughed out of court. Therefore, when you seek to 
understand your child, do so not to excuse him but to gain knowledge 
that will help you direct him along the course of proper action.


Directing your child. Your final and fullest test as a parent lies in 
helping your child reach the potential of which he is capable. You must 
show him the way to go, and to do so you must know the way yourself.

Your child's goal is a happy, holy adulthood in which he serves God and 
man. He will make much progress toward this goal simply by following 
his natural urges to grow physically and mentally, and by observing you 
in your everyday relationship. But he should also be directed formally 
toward his goal by your direct teaching. Three principles are involved:

1. You alone have this authority to teach. It is your right given by 
God as an attribute of your parenthood. Moreover, no one can take it 
from you, so long as you fulfill your obligation to exercise it. 
Christian society has always recognized that the authority of the 
father and mother is unquestioned. For instance, in most states of the 
Union, a child is legally subject to his parents until he is eighteen.

2. Respect for authority is earned, not imposed. Children will always 
respond to authority when it is just and when they respect the parent 
who exercises it. They will ignore or disobey authority when it is 
unjust or when the parent has forfeited their respect. A father cannot 
expect his child to obey his rules if, for example, he consistently 
passes red lights and commits other traffic violations and thus shows 
that he himself disregards the laws of society. Likewise, your child 
will respect you only when you show by your actions that you respect 
him.

3. Your authority must be used. One "modern" father decided not to 
teach his child anything about God so that the child could choose his 
own religion himself when he grew up. This man could just as well have 
argued that he would not try to inculcate any virtues; that the child 
could choose between honesty and dishonesty, between truth and 
falsehood, or between loving his country and hating it. Precisely 
because you are more experienced, you must decide on all matters 
affecting your child's welfare. You would not wait for him to decide 
when to see a doctor to treat his illness; you would call the doctor as 
soon as you decided that his services were necessary. You would not 
allow your seven-year-old to choose a school; you would make the 
decision without even consulting him.

As your child develops, he should exercise an increasing amount of 
authority over his own actions. When he is eight, you will decide which 
Mass he should attend on Sundays; when he is eighteen, the decision 
probably will be his. When he is seven, you will exercise a strong 
control over his reading matter; at seventeen, he himself will exercise 
a choice.

Allow your child to make decisions for himself on unimportant matters 
first. In questions involving the important areas--his religious 
duties, choice of school, etc., give freedom slowly and carefully. For 
instance, your teen-ager might be free to decide whether to attend a 
sports event on a Sunday afternoon, but he has no freedom to decide 
whether to attend Mass on Sunday morning.


How to instill obedience. You can teach your child to obey if you 
proceed in the proper way. Most youngsters want to remain on good terms 
with their parents and will do what they are told to maintain that 
relationship. Their disobedience often is due either to their ignorance 
of what is expected of them or to their desire to test whether the 
parents mean what they say. Obviously, your child's misbehavior through 
ignorance of what you expect of him is not a deliberate attempt to 
circumvent your will and cannot be considered disobedience; and if he 
is promptly punished for stepping beyond the limits of conduct you have 
set, his experimental disobedience will cease abruptly.

Many childish actions that may seem to be disobedient are actually not 
that at all. A mother asked if her ten-year-old daughter would like to 
set the table. The girl said that she would not. The mother shook her 
head, remarking that the child was truly disobedient. The mother was 
mistaken: her daughter merely gave an honest reply to a question. When 
you want your child to obey you, tell him plainly that he must perform 
a specific action. Only then can you justifiably expect him to do as 
you say. If you ask him if he would like to do something or if you 
merely discuss a possible action without making your position plain, he 
may reasonably conclude that he may follow a course other than the one 
you advocate.

Children should not be slaves, to be ordered about at a snap of the 
finger. They must often be allowed freedom of choice, and should be 
permitted to raise reasonable and respectful objections if they feel 
that your instructions are not altogether correct. In doing so, they 
merely exercise a prerogative of individuals with minds of their own. 
But when an important issue arises and they must obey without 
questioning or quibbling, let them know that you expect strict 
obedience.

As children grow older, they can be appealed to more and more by reason 
than by stern orders. A soft approach--suggesting or requesting, rather 
than commanding--is usually more effective. If you create a home 
atmosphere of mutual confidence and loving trust, the need to issue 
strict commands should diminish almost to the vanishing point by the 
time your youngsters enter their late teens.


Forming good habits. Your need to direct your child's actions should 
also diminish in proportion to his age. It will do so if you establish 
good habits of living which enable him to fulfill his obligations as a 
matter of course. By instilling good habits, you can impress upon your 
child that he has obligations to God and family; that authority demands 
his respect; that he must be reverent at his religious duties, co-
operate in the home, and sacrifice his own interests where necessary 
for the welfare of others.

By developing good habits in many different areas of life, your child 
will strengthen his character. He will get many of these habits simply 
by watching you. From you he should learn to accept his responsibility 
toward Church, country and family. He should begin the habit of 
contributing to the support of your pastor at an early age, and be 
responsible for putting a small sum in the collection plate each 
Sunday. He should be taught to tip his hat in reverence when he meets a 
priest or sister. He should also bow his head when he hears the name of 
Jesus. Many similar habits can be developed.

In the home, he also can learn habits of responsibility at an early 
age. As soon as he is able, he should do some work around the house as 
his contribution toward family living. The boy or girl of seven may set 
the table for dinner or remove the dishes after it. A youngster of nine 
or ten can help vacuum the floors and keep his own room in order. The 
older girl can wash dishes and prepare meals occasionally. The older 
boy can maintain the lawn and wash the car. By performing all these 
tasks in a regular fashion and without being bribed to do so, your 
children learn the habit of contributing to the common welfare.

Habits can be inculcated so that they become part of the daily pattern 
of living. The youngster who is taught to say his morning and night 
prayers will soon say them automatically, his parents will not have to 
remind him every day. Similarly, the youngster who is required to do 
his homework every evening after dinner develops a regular pattern of 
performance. It will become an automatic process. When he arrives at 
high school, he will be able to take responsibility for his studies 
entirely.


The art of self-denial. One of the most important things you can do for 
your child's development is to teach him to practice self-denial 
willingly. If he is to become successful as a human being, he must 
learn to deny himself immediate pleasures to achieve a future good. We 
must all deny ourselves to achieve eternal happiness in heaven. So too 
on a worldly level. The husband and wife who fail to deny themselves at 
least some material pleasures during their early years of marriage will 
reach old age penniless and dependent upon others. The student who 
cannot deny his impulse for pleasure when homework assignments must be 
done, pays the price ultimately by failing in his studies and finding 
that he cannot achieve a suitable station in life.

Learning to say no is therefore the most important single lesson that 
your child must learn. During his lifetime, he must say no to 
temptations that besiege him on all sides; he must say no to 
discouragements, defeatism and despair; if he is to reach any stature 
in the spiritual or even worldly order, he must say no to urges to take 
things easy, relax, or give up the fight. For this reason, parents who 
try to do everything for their child ultimately do nothing for him; by 
preventing him from developing self-discipline and the ability to say 
no, they prevent him from acquiring the most important attribute of a 
complete person.

How can you teach your child to practice self-denial? Mainly by setting 
up rules for his conduct and behavior and adhering to them firmly. When 
you do this, you make him aware of penalties that he must pay unless he 
controls impulses of one kind or another. Must he be home for dinner 
every night at 6 P.M. or lose desserts for a week? He must then say no 
to playmates who urge him to play another game of ball that will last 
beyond the designated time. Must he maintain a certain scholastic 
average or spend extra hours at his books each day until the next 
marking period? He will then learn that it is easier to deny himself to 
achieve passing grades now than to make greater sacrifices later.

The concept of self-denial appeals to youngsters. It represents a 
challenge--an opportunity to prove their mettle as strong-willed boys 
and girls. When they learn how to win over their lower instincts, they 
prepare themselves in the best possible way for the greater challenges 
and battles they will face as adults.


Five principles of discipline. No laws can be effective unless 
penalties are imposed when they are violated. So too with rules 
governing your child's conduct: You will be unable to direct him 
properly unless he learns that undesirable conduct will cause more pain 
than it is worth.

The idea of disciplining a child is viewed with disfavor by some modern 
experts. In their progressive view, the child should be free to express 
himself, and "parents who hamper this self-expression hamper the 
development of his personality." Enough years have passed so that we 
can now examine the adult products of this progressive school of 
discipline, and we find that the general results are not good. Children 
who are permitted to do as they please without a control system to 
govern their actions tend to become insufferably selfish, thoughtless 
of the rights and needs of others, and incapable of exercising the 
self-discipline which adults need to live harmoniously together.

Fortunately, the let-them-do-as-they-please school of child training is 
rapidly becoming passe. Most authorities now recognize that a child not 
only needs but also wants checks over his actions. Even in adolescence, 
the so-called "age of rebellion against parents," youngsters have 
affirmed many times that they prefer to be guided by rules of conduct 
and expect to be punished for infractions. In fact, teen-agers often 
complain that their parents are not sufficiently precise in announcing 
what will and will not be allowed.

Since children vary so greatly in temperament, along with their 
parents, it is probably unwise to set down hard and fast rules of 
discipline. However, five general principles can be adapted to fit most 
circumstances.

1. Keep in mind what purpose your discipline is intended to serve. You 
should discipline your child mainly to instill in him proper methods of 
behavior and to develop his ability to control himself in the future.

This principle implies that you must subjugate your own personal 
feelings, likes and dislikes when exercising them might not serve a 
useful purpose. To illustrate: A father has often slept late on 
Saturday mornings while his young children raced about the house making 
noise. Usually he merely rolled over in bed and put a pillow over his 
head to keep out the sounds. One morning, however, he awakened with a 
headache while his children pounded their drums. His first impulse was 
to reach out from bed and spank them. But a second thought convinced 
him that his children were behaving properly in the light of their past 
experience, since they had no way of knowing that this was different 
from other Saturdays. Therefore, the father spoke to them reasonably, 
telling them that their noise disturbed him. If, after his explanation, 
they had continued to pound their drums, he could legitimately punish 
them to stress not only the importance of obedience but also that they 
must sacrifice their own interests for the good of others.

The child who knows that his punishment is dictated by his parents' 
love for him will become a partner in the punishment--at least to some 
extent--because he realizes that it is for his own good. That is why 
wise parents sometimes permit their youngsters to choose their own 
punishment when they have violated rules. The youngster who recognizes 
the need for punishment and who willingly accepts it takes an important 
step toward the goal of all his training--the disciplining of himself, 
a process which will continue until death.

2. Let the punishment fit the crime. In applying this principle, try to 
put yourself in the child's place. A four-year-old girl was playing in 
a side yard with several boys of her age. A neighbor observed her 
exposing her sex organs to them and reported the fact to her mother. 
The mother raced to the yard, grabbed the girl by the arm, dragged her 
into the house and beat her with a strap, raising welts upon her back. 
This mother should have realized that her daughter lacked the 
experience to know that her action was not proper. Moreover, the 
punishment was entirely out of keeping with the offense. It was based 
on the mother's own sense of shame and not that of the child. It was an 
exercise of hate--not of love.

What offenses call for physical punishment? In the view of most 
experts, very few. However, reasonable corporal punishment, sparingly 
used, can be more effective than some educators like to admit. If a 
child's actions might cause physical harm to himself or another, his 
punishment should be strict enough to impress upon him the dangers of 
his actions. For instance, a child of two does not understand why he 
should not play with matches or cross the street without an adult. If 
he reaches for matches or steps from the sidewalk, you might spank him 
because this is the only way he can learn a vital lesson. The very 
young child measures good and bad in terms of his own pleasure and 
pain, and since most of his experiences are still on a physical level, 
physical punishment has its place. But wherever possible, love and 
affection should hold the foremost position. When your child resists 
the temptation to touch matches or cross a street unaided, use praise 
to assure him that he is doing the right thing. Spank him if nothing 
else works.

Some psychologists make much of the possible harm done to a youngster 
by physical punishment. But the Bible's teaching that "He that spareth 
the rod hateth his son" (Proverbs, 13:24) indicates that physical 
punishment, as such, does not harm the child emotionally. When it is 
accompanied by indications of hatred, it is undeniably wrong. But the 
parent who applies the rod in a calm way and as evidence of his desire 
to help the youngster's development probably does not do lasting hurt. 
On the other hand, some of the most brutal punishments--the kind that 
leave wounds for years, if not for a lifetime--come from words. One 
little girl was never spanked by her father. But whenever she did 
things which he found objectionable, he shook his head and commented 
that she was certainly "a queer one." The girl is now a woman of fifty, 
and her father has been dead thirty years, but his attitude still 
rankles deeply. She believes that it reflected his unwillingness or 
inability to understand her.

It should not be necessary to punish girls physically after they reach 
the age of twelve. Many teachers believe, however, that teen-age boys 
can be held in line by--and respect--authority exercised in a physical 
way. Girls usually respond more readily to deprivations of privileges--
being denied permission to visit friends on week ends, to attend movies 
or watch television.

3. Punish only once for each offense. One advantage of corporal 
punishment which is often overlooked is that it usually "clears the 
air." Once it has been applied, parents and child generally feel free 
to forget it and go on to other matters. When their punishment is less 
decisive, parents may tend to keep harping on the offense--and the 
child never knows when it is going to be thrown up to him again.

To apply this principle, make sure that your child thoroughly 
understands what his punishment will be. For instance, if you decide to 
deny him desserts for a week, tell him so at the outset; do not keep 
him wondering from day to day when the punishment will end. And do not 
harp on the offense after the punishment ends. Let him know that when 
he pays for his conduct he starts with a clean slate.

4. Be consistent. Your child deserves to know exactly what kind of 
conduct is tolerated, and what will be punished. Unless he knows this, 
he will try to find out how far he can go. If you tell him that he must 
be home at 8:30, he will be uneasy if he arrives at 9:00 and is not 
called to task for being late. Next time, he will be tempted to remain 
out until 9:30, and he will continue pushing the hour ahead until you 
step down firmly. If you berate him for arriving home at 9:00 after he 
returned at 10:00 the night before without comment from you, you will 
leave him thoroughly confused as to where the limits actually lie.

To be effective, your rules must also be fair. One child should not be 
punished for actions which another commits with impunity. In one family 
with seven children, all know that they will lose their allowances for 
a week if they are not at home for dinner at a designated time. One 
evening one youngster came home late with the excuse that the bus was 
delayed. His mother said that she would not punish him. The father then 
insisted that the boy lose his allowance, because he knew that once any 
excuses were accepted, the parents would be besieged with them and the 
entire system of fairness for all would break down. As this example 
indicates, parents who do not apply rules consistently actually perform 
a disservice to the child.

5. Investigate before you punish. In order to discipline your child 
properly, you must necessarily know the facts in the case. Otherwise 
you do not know what purpose your punishment should serve. Parents may 
easily misinterpret a child's action. Sometimes he does things which 
are wrong because no one has told him not to do them and he does not 
know whether they are approved or not. Be especially careful before 
punishing a child involved in a quarrel or fight with another. It is 
often difficult to find out who is at fault, since both children 
usually contribute to a squabble to greater or lesser extents.



CHAPTER 4: YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

IN NO other aspect of your child's upbringing will your example exert 
such a powerful force as in his moral training. For your words to your 
child are meaningless unless your own actions confirm them. A mother 
teaches her son to say morning and night prayers, but she says neither. 
He is only seven years old, but already he questions why prayer is 
necessary for him but not for adults. One need not be a prophet to 
realize that he will stop praying as soon as he can. A father teaches 
that it is wrong to use the Lord's name in vain; but whenever things go 
wrong around the house, he spews forth profanity. His son likewise 
swears at every chance he gets. A father tells his children that they 
must respect authority, but he belittles his own employers, criticizes 
elected officials of the country in the most insulting ways, and makes 
sneering remarks about priests and his boys' teachers. And he cannot 
understand why his sons get into trouble for disobeying school 
regulations.

If you could examine records of families from generation to generation, 
you would see undisputed proof of the priceless power of example. In 
one family, a man now eighty learned from his father's example that men 
went to church only for baptisms, weddings, and funerals. The man tried 
to teach his own son to attend Mass as required by Church law, but 
neglected to do so himself. His son followed his example--not his 
teaching--and his grandson now also does likewise. More than a hundred 
years ago, a merchant made a fortune by cheating townspeople who 
shopped at his store. His grandson is a "respectable businessman," but 
he too believes that chicanery is justifiable if it makes money. On the 
other hand, men and women who are long dead but who lived holy lives 
have left a heritage that lives on in the sanctity of their children's 
children.

Therefore, if you would help your child to achieve his true purpose--
the living of his life in accordance with the will of God so that he 
may save his soul, and if you would see your good influence continue 
for untold future generations, provide an example that gives the holy 
guidance he needs.


Your child's spiritual training. A mother once asked her pastor when 
she should begin teaching her five-year-old about God. The pastor 
replied that she was already five years late. What he meant, of course, 
was that your child's religious training should begin almost as soon as 
he is born. As Sister Mary de Lourdes states so beautifully in her 
guide for mothers, "Baby Grows in Age and Grace," the child held in the 
arms of a confident and competent mother and who is surrounded by the 
happiness of a good Christian family has a natural start for the 
spiritual life.

At seven to ten months, a baby begins to listen to sounds intently. He 
does not know what words mean, but he gets an impression from the tone 
of your voice, your facial expressions, and your gestures. It is not 
too soon to begin teaching him a prayer. Such a prayer should be as 
simple as possible, and preferably repetitive--with the same sounds 
repeated over and over. Sister de Lourdes cites this one:


                Thank you, God, for Jimmy, 
                Thank you for Jimmy's bread, 
                Thank you for Jimmy's smile, 
                Bless Jimmy in his bed.


As soon as your child can speak in syllables, you can teach him simple 
prayers. For example, carry him to a painting or statue depicting the 
Baby Jesus in His Blessed Mother's arms, and point out to him that the 
Infant Savior also had a mother who loved Him. Before he reaches his 
first year, he may be able to enunciate the name of Jesus. He can be 
encouraged to say good night to the Savior of the painting or statue. 
When the family eats together, the baby in his high chair will observe 
that grace is said before and after meals. He will join in the prayers 
automatically as soon as he is able.

Pictures have a powerful appeal for the one-year-old and two-year-old. 
You can encourage his interest in religion by showing him paintings of 
great events in the life of Our Lord. You will find him an interested 
viewer and listener if you show him pictures of Baby Jesus, and the 
Holy Family, and of Biblical incidents. He will also be a rapt listener 
as you narrate the stories which the pictures illustrate. At Christmas 
time especially, you can impress upon him that this great feast 
commemorates the birth of the Infant Savior: your telling of the 
Christmas story can begin to implant a reverence for this great feast 
that will last throughout his life.

In his third year, your child will probably be ready to learn about the 
creation by God of the world and everything in it. You will have 
opportunities to teach him as a matter of course that God made the 
flowers, the trees, the dog whose back he pats, and every other thing 
that he sees about him. Express your own appreciation for God's many 
gifts--the beautiful flowers, the lovely sunset, the water you drink, 
the food you eat. In this way, he too will recognize that God is a 
loving Father to Whom we owe gratitude for all things.

By the time he is three, he should be sufficiently advanced mentally to 
begin practicing simple acts of self-denial. If he is given a piece of 
candy before dinner, he will probably understand if he is told that he 
must not eat it until after his meal. This is his first realization 
that satisfaction of present desires must often be deferred for our own 
good.

At the age of four, he should be ready to take a more active part in 
family prayers. In some families, father, mother and children pray 
together in the evening before the first child goes to bed. His 
attendance at night prayers will impress the importance of this 
devotion upon him and enable him to learn the words sooner than he 
perhaps would ordinarily. Four-year-olds usually do not have a long 
attention span, however, and the average child may become distracted 
after a few minutes. The night prayers in which he joins may be kept 
short at first and gradually lengthened as he grows older.

At this time, your child is old enough to understand certain moral 
principles: that he must obey his parents because God wishes him to do 
so; and that lying, stealing and disobedience are not in accordance 
with God's will. You can teach these principles by giving him the image 
of God as his Eternal Father. If he has a loving trust in his own 
father, he will not find it difficult to visualize God as the loving 
Father of all mankind. He is also ready to learn of his Guardian Angel; 
many childish fears can be removed if he knows that his Guardian Angel 
always watches over him, and he will feel secure in new experiences 
when he knows that he has a protector.

From ages four to six, you can intensify in many different ways the 
moral training you began earlier. Through family prayer and other 
devotions, when you read to him, and through little talks when you 
perform his daily routines with him, you can inculcate the great truths 
of our religion. In particular, do not overlook opportunities to 
instill high ideals through reading. Many excellent books recount Bible 
stories in attractive pictures and text and they stress vividly the 
importance of practicing virtue in our lives. For example, the story of 
Adam and Eve can be a means of teaching him why he must obey God and 
his earthly parents. The story of Abraham may teach him that we must be 
ready to sacrifice all we possess if God requires it. From the parable 
told by Jesus of the widow's mite, he can learn that we must always 
show our gratitude to God; from the parable of the talents, that we 
must always do our best for His glory.

Many devotions and religious observances can now be made an intimate 
part of your child's daily life. In Chapter 16, devoted to religious 
observances in the home, you will find many suggestions to help you 
make the love of God the greatest fact in your child s existence.

Our Lord taught that the love of God is the first and greatest 
commandment, but He also said that a second commandment was like it--
the commandment that we must love our neighbor as ourself. You probably 
can best teach this commandment by example. More powerful than your 
words will be your courteous attitude toward those who visit your home; 
toward peoples of other races and creeds; toward those less privileged 
in a spiritual or material sense than yourself. Christ's teaching that 
all men are brothers under the Fatherhood of God will have greater 
meaning for your child if he notices that you always treat others with 
respect.

Before your child is seven, you will probably notice the formation of 
his conscience. He may show by expressions of guilt or shame when he 
has done wrong. This development of conscience indicates that you now 
can appeal to him more and more on the grounds of reason, rather than 
on the weight of your authority. The seven-year-old normally is 
sufficiently developed to take responsibility before God for his 
actions. By the orderly and constructive training you have provided, he 
should be able to recite his morning and night prayers; he should know 
the important laws of God and Church--the necessity to attend Mass on 
Sundays and holy days of obligation and of abstaining from meat on 
Friday, for example; and he should be ready to begin preparations for 
his First Communion.

Obviously, your child's moral training at home does not stop when he 
enters parochial school. Rather, it continues throughout his lifetime. 
In the remaining chapters of this book you will find many suggestions 
to help you meet his continued needs for spiritual guidance. Specific 
problems you may encounter in his various stages are discussed below.


Early sex experimentation. A child cannot commit sin until he reaches 
the age of reason. It follows that no moral guilt is associated with 
his early sex experimentation. Some parents might mistakenly regard as 
masturbation a baby's holding of his sex organ, but it is as natural 
for him to display this interest as it is for him to examine his hands, 
feet or other parts of his body. He may experience pleasure when he 
touches his genitals, but this act has no greater moral significance 
than has sucking his fingers.

The normal child generally discontinues his sex experimentation when he 
finds other interests--and you can help him do so by giving him rattles 
to hold or toys to play with. However, if he continues to touch his 
genitals habitually after he begins to walk, he may be developing a 
pattern which will make masturbation more difficult to resist in later 
years. You should gently and casually remove his hands each time you 
see him doing so. It is best to discourage this conduct in a matter-of-
fact way, much as you might prevent him from picking his nose. Do not 
overemphasize its importance; otherwise you may accentuate his interest 
instead of changing it.

Sometimes two- and three-year-olds display a curiosity about the organs 
of the other sex. This interest also is natural and no evil intent is 
involved, but it is not proper and should not be permitted. Likewise, 
the little girl who lifts her dress in company is not guilty of any 
moral wrong, but she should be told not to do it. By the time boys and 
girls are about three years old, their training in modesty should 
begin. They should learn that certain parts of the body must not be 
exposed before anyone except their parents.

A young child usually can be easily trained to be modest if his mother 
will tell him in a calm, unemotional way what is expected of him. Much 
difficulty with children in this regard results from the inability or 
unwillingness of parents to discuss the process of elimination without 
a sense of shame, and without giving it an undue importance in the 
child's mind.

Sex experimentation usually ceases well before the child reaches the 
age of reason, and sex does not emerge as a serious problem in his 
development until adolescence. If your child continues to touch his 
genitals habitually after the age of six or seven, perhaps he seeks the 
pleasure which he derives from the action to compensate for some sense 
of insecurity. If your efforts to stop the practice fail, you should 
discuss his case with a doctor.


Lying and stealing. Minor transgressions can be expected of every pre-
school child; if nothing more, they indicate his desire to learn 
exactly what penalty will be imposed if he violates your rules. The 
three- or four-year-old probably cannot understand that all of us must 
obey God's laws. Later, of course, he must be taught that lying and 
stealing are sins because they violate that law.

It takes a wise parent to understand the difference between a young 
child's imagination and his lying. When children learn that speech has 
the power to affect others, they often make up stories simply to notice 
the effect upon adults. In such cases, you probably need not do any 
more than indicate your mild disbelief. Untruths affecting others are a 
different matter, however. If your child lies deliberately about a 
serious matter, you should point out to him that his action is sinful; 
that it harms those about whom he lies; and that it harms him by 
causing people to lose confidence in him.

The best way to discourage lying is to encourage truthfulness. The 
child who admits the truth and is willing to face the consequences of 
his actions displays a fine sense of maturity and deserves to be 
complimented for it. But do not carry your commendation for 
truthfulness to extremes, as though it were a novelty. Whenever one 
little boy did something wrong, he ran to his father and confessed. The 
father invariably praised him for his honesty and neglected to punish 
him for his actions "because he told the truth." The youngster, now 
sixteen, is the most truthful boy in town--and the greatest mischief-
maker. He firmly believes that simply telling the truth absolves him of 
all blame for his conduct.

Children also do a certain amount of stealing. Vinnie, three years old, 
sees a toy which Billy is playing with and takes it as soon as he can 
so that he too may enjoy it. He is simply doing what comes naturally; 
he wants the toy and sees no reason why he should not have it. 
Obviously, he commits no sin. He must be taught in a calm way, however, 
that he must not take things which do not belong to him.

You can strengthen your child's resistance against the impulse to steal 
by strengthening his own sense of possessiveness. If you treat his 
possessions with respect, making it plain to him that you would not use 
them without his permission, you make it easier for him to comprehend 
his obligations to others.

Probably all children pass through a "stealing" stage during which you 
can impress upon them the importance of not taking what belongs to 
others. This tendency to pilfer others' possessions usually decreases 
and ceases to be a source of difficulty by the time the child is seven. 
If he continues to steal after that, it may indicate that some of his 
strong and legitimate desires are not satisfied. For instance, the 
parents of a ten-year-old boy habitually compared him unfavorably with 
others of his age. He had a compelling urge to show that he was their 
superior, and he began to steal watches and other jewelry and to flaunt 
them before his classmates as presents he had received from his rich, 
admiring relatives. Other youngsters may steal to relieve their 
boredom: boys who raid a fruitstand may simply crave excitement. If 
your child steals after he has reached the age of reason and is morally 
responsible for his actions, do not minimize the fact that he has 
sinned; but also seek to determine whether any psychological reason may 
have been important in causing him to act as he does. A child should 
always be required to pay for objects he has stolen, even if he must 
work on Saturdays or forgo his allowance for months to do so.


What about "dirty words"? It may surprise some parents that the use of 
what are commonly referred to as "dirty words" generally does not 
involve any moral problem. It is a sin only when the name of the Lord 
is taken in vain.

Most words which are offensive in our society have respectable origins 
and have become objectionable only through usage. If your child returns 
home and uses gutter terms which usually consist of four letters, he 
probably is merely experimenting to learn what effect his use of them 
will have upon you. More often than not, he lacks even a vague idea of 
what they mean. When and if he uses such words, firmly point out that 
the expressions are not tolerated in polite society. As with his 
genital experiments, his experiments with "dirty words" will probably 
end more quickly if you do not attach undue importance to them.

Blasphemous use of the name of God the Father, or Jesus Christ, or of 
the saints must not be permitted, of course. If your child uses 
blasphemous expressions in your presence, he probably has heard adults 
use them and considers them suitable, or he is bringing them home as an 
experiment. You should tell him that our love of God must be so strong, 
and our gratitude for His goodness so great, that we must never use His 
name in any but the most respectful way. A child should be punished if 
he continues to take the Lord's name in vain after you have explained 
why he should not do so, for reverence for God must be the cornerstone 
of our religious belief and practice. Without it, true Christian lives 
will be difficult to achieve.

If, in spite of punishment such as the deprivation of privileges, your 
child persists in blaspheming God, look to his environment. It is 
almost certain that he is in contact with an adult who blasphemes as a 
matter of habit. If you cannot remove your child from this influence, 
ask the offending adult to stop his habit because he is exerting an 
extremely harmful influence upon your child.


Don't stress sin too much. In giving your child the moral training he 
needs, avoid the extreme of referring to all of his transgressions in 
terms of how they will affect his relations with God. It is true that 
parents must never encourage children to be lax about moral matters, 
for a sin is always hateful in the eyes of God. Nevertheless, some 
parents--fortunately a very tiny minority--use their child's religious 
sense as a weapon to force him to do things which should not normally 
be expected of him. A mother discovered that she could get her daughter 
to comply instantly with her commands if she accused her of "sinful 
disobedience" for failing to do so. Soon the mother had a means at her 
disposal to force the child to do excessive amounts of housework. As a 
result, the girl grew up lacking respect for authority and with a 
scornful attitude toward all the commandments.

When parents constantly thunder about sin, their children may develop 
an abnormal fear of God, viewing Him as a judge who will thrash them 
for the slightest offense. Such children may come to lose their trust 
in God's mercy--a trust they will need in later life to meet the 
crosses which will inevitably be theirs to bear.

In his book "Your Child's World," Dr. Odenwald describes a nine-year-
old patient who had become so terrified of the dark that he had extreme 
difficulty in sleeping. "This boy feared that because of his sins--
really not sins at all but rather the normal actions of a boy his age--
he would be severely punished by the Almighty," Dr. Odenwald writes. 
"Another boy reached the point where he confessed his sins to the 
priest on Saturday, but felt unworthy to receive Communion on Sunday 
because he might have offended God unwittingly by committing some mild 
offense. A five-year-old girl, who was attending a Sunday School, was 
so impressed by a sermon on hell and damnation that she could not get 
it out of her mind. Because of her one-sided introduction to the idea 
of punishment for sins, she displayed psychotic tendencies even at this 
early stage."


Attitudes on confession. Most Catholic parents fully respect their 
child's right to privacy in regard to confession. Of course, you should 
not question him about what he told the priest, or what the priest told 
him. To do so would be depriving him of the right to privacy in 
confessional matters which is his. His decision to receive or not 
receive the sacraments of Penance and the Holy Eucharist also must be 
his to make.

While you must stand guard over your child's spiritual welfare, never 
place him in a position where his failure to confess or receive 
Communion will make him conspicuous. The reason for this warning is 
that a child who is unworthy to receive Communion or fears to confess 
his sins may be tempted to partake of the Holy Eucharist sacrilegiously 
if his failure to receive will make him stand out in the crowd. Before 
the rule for the Eucharistic Fast was relaxed, a person who did not 
wish to receive Communion might create an excuse by saying that he had 
inadvertently swallowed water. Since beverages one hour before 
Communion are now permitted, and water is permitted at any time, such 
an excuse is no longer valid. The person who does not wish to receive 
may find it more difficult to hide the fact that he may not be in a 
state of grace. Be doubly cautious, therefore, that you do not use 
pressure upon your child so that he receives unworthily to hide the 
existence of another sin.

Parents should be alert for opportunities to suggest the reception of 
Penance and the Holy Eucharist, however. I